"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MadeOfScars posted 4/27/2014 11:19 AM

Just kinda wanting some thoughts on this. My D is supposed to finalize tomorrow morning, like for real this time. Afterwards, I think I should tell her. Any communication we've had to have has been by email only, so this would be as well. This divorce is about as uncontested as one can be. I filed, I hired a lawyer, I actually participated. She couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge receipt of the petition which could have been done in less than 5 minutes online. Anything we sent her, she signed. I probably could have put something in there about her owing my half her paycheck each month and she would have signed it too. I don't know if it's guilt, her desire to get me out of her life as fast as possible, or both, but I guess I'm lucky that this isn't contentious.

Anyway, maybe some of that background info may be applicable to what I say when I tell her. I would tell her that I'll be in touch only once the house sells as her name is on a couple of the services here as well as the mortgage (though I got the house in the D). Beyond that, I have nothing left to ever discuss with her. Part of me wants to send something almost coldly short, like an email with a subject of "Divorce is final" with no text in the body. Another part of me wants to take a final petty parting shot at her that she may or may not even get, like "now it's "official," not that you waited for this anyway '" or "you got what you wanted from me for the last time." I know it won't do any good and may prompt a reply intended to hurt me.

So, for those who've been in a situation similar to mine who have finalized, how did you tell your ex it was done?

DepressedDaddy posted 4/27/2014 11:28 AM

I, as you know, am not quite in this situation yet. I will be soon. My STBX is part of the process, so I won't have to tell her that it is final. However, I have thought about giving one last email about our M and what she did, but I am on the same page as you. Is it really worth it.

Now my STBX and I will have lots of contact post D, because of our DD, but I am so looking forward to not have to have some of these D conversations anymore.

MOS, I think you should keep it short and non descriptive. I think that will be more powerful than anything else you could say. Let us know what you decide.

solus sto posted 4/27/2014 11:31 AM

She's a grownup and is party to this action. It is not your responsibility to inform her.

Contact her when you need to. Otherwise, don't.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:32 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]

cantaccept posted 4/27/2014 11:34 AM

I am not there yet, hopefully June 10th, but my first gut reaction is crickets.

Just send a copy of the decree through the U.S.Mail.

Just a show of indifference.

Don't listen to me right now though, having one of those days.

StillLivin posted 4/27/2014 11:35 AM

The court will send STBX the D finalization paperwork. I don't want to "tell" him anything. He isn't good enough to receive any communication from me. He was served 10 days ago. He can count to 61 for himself.
All breaking NC to tell her will do is poke the tiger. IMO you really don't need that drama. She might be so far gone she may not even care.
I won't tell him when the house sells either. I'm not his personal assistant anymore. He fired me as his wife, and, therefore, from any of my services.
Ftb.

sunsetslost posted 4/27/2014 11:36 AM

I'm on the other side of it. STBX is handling it. Also a very uncontested proceeding. I'm curious how she will tell me. I assume text or email. Or maybe just a mailed copy of the decree. I really don't have a preference and it sounds like yours doesn't either. My two cents is just mail her a copy. Don't spend time or energy on it if she's not interested. That's about as cold as it gets.

MadeOfScars posted 4/27/2014 11:43 AM

You're all saying what I figured you'd say, and that's where I've been leaning - no more words than necessary. I've written letters to her that I never actually sent her but rather shared here because I needed to get it out. Sharing with her only opens me up to pain, so why would this be different?

So, why do I even ask? I guess it's just my way of reconciling that the finalization of this divorce, what all it stands for, is something so unceremonious. This is the official dissolution of what was once a life shared by 2 people. At the same time, not much changes tomorrow. This is just the state of Texas catching up with the times. we stopped being "we" months ago.

I may not say anything at all...she should get something in the mail anyway. She'll figure it out. After all, at this point, I don't owe her a damn thing.

TrustedHer posted 4/27/2014 11:43 AM

Afterwards, I think I should tell her

Think again. If she doesn't get a copy of the decree, she can figure out how to get on on her own. It's not like she's exactly been too concerned about whether she's married or not up to this point, is it?

I would tell her that I'll be in touch only once the house sells as her name is on a couple of the services here as well as the mortgage (though I got the house in the D).

Get the decree, sell the house, inform her what she needs to do only when she needs to do it. What's the point before then, except poking the bear?

Beyond that, I have nothing left to ever discuss with her.

Then don't discuss anything with her.

I guess I'm lucky that this isn't contentious.

In my state, she would have 30 days to enter motions for correction, and another 30 days after the judge rules on that to file an appeal. You've done well, but don't poke the bear.

MadeOfScars posted 4/27/2014 11:48 AM

I agree on all points TH. I'm glad I asked you all - you once again have saved me some unneeded pain.

one2ndchance posted 4/27/2014 11:49 AM

She couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge receipt of the petition

I know it won't do any good and may prompt a reply intended to hurt me.

As you've indicated above, she won't care and it will do no good.

Waste zero effort to inform her.

IrishLass518 posted 4/27/2014 11:53 AM

xWH didn't believe that the judge would sign our decree. Kept saying that it will get tossed back. When I saw that it was final I sent him a text that said "Judge signed it. We are divorced". Simple and to the point. He never responded. I sat and cried and sobbed for most of that day. It was much more emotionally charged for me than him. There were a ton of things I could have said or texted but the facts were enough.

justjim posted 4/27/2014 12:39 PM

Google "Well, bye".
You will find the picture of Powers Boothe as Curly Bill Brocious from the movie "Tombstone".

Copy, paste, send.

No other words are necessary.

MadeOfScars posted 4/27/2014 12:44 PM

Tempting justjim, tempting...

IrishLass518 posted 4/27/2014 12:45 PM

^^^THIS^^^

You're killin' me JJ

ForeverBlue posted 4/27/2014 13:05 PM

Maintain your distance Scar. Crickets. Like others have said, don't open yourself up to any drama or new pain. She won't get it and you shouldn't care now. I will be coming up to this stage soon. I get it that she doesn't get it too. Some little emotional jab is tempting I know but you are on a higher ground now. Don't lean over to express anything to her. Silence rings so much louder.

nekorb posted 4/27/2014 13:09 PM

final petty parting shot

Dude, NO. Highroad. Always.

Crickets.

She will figure it out.

MadeOfScars posted 4/27/2014 13:54 PM

I knew as soon as I wrote "petty" here that I wouldn't actually do it. I think I will remain completely silent unless if, and only if, I have something I need her to do. I don't need her to know when it's final though because, well, her actions show finalization means nothing to her. If she wants to know where things stand, email goes both ways.

careerlady posted 4/27/2014 14:14 PM

Mine is proceeding by default with no participation from the Snake. If the judge signs it a copy of the decree gets mailed to him (even though we are still doing in house). So not planning to say anything. All she should get from you is paperwork you need her to sign etc

Vulcanized posted 4/27/2014 17:18 PM

Uh, she's a big girl. Either she'll be mailed a copy, or perhaps her L will inform her.

She's been fired. That's that.

Tripletrouble posted 4/27/2014 17:40 PM

It was weird when my D was final. I was never notified by the state, county, or my attorney. I knew because I stalked the clerk of court website. I called my ex to tell him when I saw it was signed by the judge, a few days after the fact. He was indifferent. Oh, ok. I would snail mail it if anything.