SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Athene posted 4/27/2014 13:21 PM

We were doing ok for a while and then have had a bumpy month. It is 2 yrs out since 1st dday so I know I've been on edge and WH's shame cycles are also more evident.

Last weekend, I tried to make an effort and arranged for our DDs to be at grandma's for the whole weekend to spend time with my WH. We had not done that in 3 years - and definitely not since the Ddays. So despite an emotionally draining month, I wanted to work at it.

I had a great weekend planned but left some open time for him to suggest what he'd like to do. After nearly a decade and a half of knowing each other, for the first time EVER, he suggested pottery class.

How nice.

This was OW#1's favorite hobby.

And a sore point because at one time after Dday, he couldn't name one single hobby of mine and ultimatly said I stick things on the walls - meaning that I put up a few photo frames of our kids on one of the walls. Wow! Really? Appparently, I have no interested or hobbies but he did know his OW's hobbies/interests and even took them to places related to them.

So imagine my disgust when he suggested pottery.
End of weekend before it even started.
Kept to myself and did some spring cleaning instead.

Still reeling from this.
My mind is playing games on me again, back on full alert, guard is up, trust is back down, safety down.
Makes me think he was thinking of OW.
Missing her? Wanting her?
With a billion other options, why would he suggest pottery when I have NEVER expressed an interest in it and he is definitely not into anything artsy whatsoever.

Just a fluke slip up? That's what he says.
Just an unthinking schmuck?
Or is there something deeper? subconscious?
No point in his words since I'm on danger alert and don't believe/trust him now anyway.
I do believe NC has been maintained in the physical world. But how about in his mind or heart?

Skan posted 4/27/2014 14:45 PM

OUCH! Yeah, I think that I would have called an end to that weekend before it started too. At some point, you two are going to have to sit down and talk about this what prompted the suggestion, what a slap in the face it was, all of the uglies. (((hugs)))

boontje posted 4/27/2014 14:55 PM

Dang, that must have been really difficult to hear, and worse even, it has brought you back to a dark place. I'm so sorry. At the very least you must tell him how it has impacted you. Check his reaction and go from there.

whattheh posted 4/27/2014 15:05 PM

Could it have been a passive aggressive move on his part to sabotauge the weekend?

steadychevy posted 4/27/2014 15:08 PM

After so long and a wonderful effort on your part to keep R continuing or get it back on track that must have hurt. I hurt reading it.

I wonder if there are underlying reasons for the rough past month. If it was just a fluke (???) it was a very hurtful and thoughtless thing to say. By saying it, IMO, your husband has revealed that he does not recognize those things that could be painful triggers. I wonder if his heart is really in it. I hope and pray that it is and that it was just a clumsy, thoughtless, jerk thing to say.

My FWW occassionally says things that immediately trigger me. It hurts terribly. I wish she would think about how some things might cause setbacks. IMO she does not do it on purpose but it hurts nonetheless. However, I have also done it to myself. Said something and then thought that I wish I could even cancel out the thought I had let alone the expression of it. Stabbed myself occassionally.

I hope this is just a totally insensitive thing caused by some confusion about who likes to do what and not a real setback. He definitely needs sensitivity training. Can I give him a 2X4 from here?

MomtoRoses posted 4/27/2014 16:19 PM

I would be upset too. But I have to say, my ws says stupid shit all the time and I think he REALLY isn't thinking. It's not passive aggressive, he just says the first thing that pops in his head.

If you think you can pick up the pieces, could you say something like, "You know, pottery isn't my thing. How about xyz" or something like that.

I don't think we will ever know what is in their minds/hearts. If they are making the effort to be with us (even w/ all the rejection) it's worth trying. Trust me, I get it. I'm only 2 months out past last dday so the feelings are RAW. I always wonder if my wh wanted to get out of the marriage and this was his "way out". He had opportunities to marry at least two of the women he slept w/ and he didn't do it. I'm going to give my wh a year and see what he does w/ it. It will always hurt, I'm sure.

Athene posted 4/27/2014 19:30 PM

Thank you all. I just hate returning to this dark place. Everytime, I hope I'll never be here again and yet, here I am again.

I too hope that it's just him being an idiot without thinking. It may be but it hurts and has ripped open so many insecurities about whether our working on R is real or does he want something else.
Is he thinking about his AP's and that's why the pottery came up.
I don't think he intentionally tried to sabotauge things.

He keeps saying he wants to be "hypervigilant" about triggers but he just totally sucks at it.

I don't think he's being passive aggressive.
And this month has been bumpy because I'm more on guard being 2 yr anniversary from 1st dday and he's been more moody/withdrawn due to shame cycles he is experiencing - also anniversary related I think.

"You know, pottery isn't my thing. How about xyz" or something like that.

I wish I had the calm and composure to just say what MomtoRoses suggested. But I felt slapped in the face, dagger in my heart and I shut down and ran to my bedroom to cry it out - after the oh so mature, "F U" I yelled at him.

Chevy- thanks for listening and the 2x4.
May want you to run him over with an actual Chevy instead though.