OK SI- I've been hiding from you all day...
But the more I think about it, the more I realize who better than to empathize and advise than all of you wonderful people. I hesitated to post this because I know you were all so proud of me for my dealings with SMIF this week. I think I need some help with my bitch boots and I need to come clean about some things.
SMIF came this morning to get the kids and we chatted for a while about him having second thoughts about D. I tried so hard to keep Dawson's image in my mind- but found myself going down the path again with him.
Although this time there seems to be some changes that I'm having a hard time putting out of my head. For starters, he said that he has realized that the only adult who has really stuck by him in a true loving way was me. That he has been so stupid for throwing that love away. He acknowledged for the first time that after the A "ended" the first time, he should have been totally transparent with me- letting me see his phone etc. whenever I wanted. That is really the first time he's ever said it- even though it should be SO OBVIOUS! He always said he felt attacked and, today, said he had no right to feel that way given what I was feeling.
He said he had been going through old photos of us and realizing the good times we had together...he said one of the saddest things was looking at recent photos of us and thinking about how broken I must have been at those times after A and how he caused that and how sorry he was. He said he wishes we could do things absolutely differently. That he was so happy to be in IC because he was really examining parts of himself that he had never wanted to look in to.
He said he was looking into other jobs (which totally surprised me - at one point I had given him an ultimatum job or me because he worked with OW and he, basically, said he would never give up his job.)
He said he missed me. I said "I think you just miss having someone" and he said "I could have someone here if I really wanted her." alluding to OW. I asked if he had been talking to her- he said no.
He told me he loved me.
And I told him I couldn't trust him and doubted I ever could. I said "how can I trust you are not here to soften me up to agree to custody stuff and that you're not going to go home, call up OW and have a good chuckle about me?" He just looked sad at me and said he understood why I couldn't trust him and that was not his intention. He said "I doubt you will ever change your mind about us - I can see you are detached from me but I thought it was only fair for you to hear these new thoughts I'm having about acknowledging how awful I was to you...I am truly deeply sorry."
Help me out SI people! I know what you're going to say. He has a year...over a year to prove himself (which I told him.) I let this happen by engaging in the conversation - NC = no new hurts.
A month ago he was "liking" OW photo on fb and not remorseful. A month ago he was telling me he was going to "nail me to the wall" in court (which he now says was said in complete anger and he is sorry.) I know I can't trust this man.
And I don't know how I feel about it. I don't feel sad. Or happy. Or sickened. Or hopeful. Or angry anymore. I feel...numb. But it's been on my mind since he walked about the door 7 hours ago.
My heart didn't flutter. I don't have hope. I don't want to get back together with him. I can't see it ever working. But I feel less of the resolve that I did on Thursday. Am I falling for classic hoovering? Am I an idiot?
And I just need to post one more thing out in the open here that I have been hesitant to say, but I gotta come clean somewhere and hopefully the behaviour will change.
I have been eating like a garbage can for almost 3 weeks now. I don't know what happened or what changed. I was taking such good care of myself at the beginning. Fruits, veggies, lean meats, water, water, water, exercise 5+ times a week. I lost about 10 lbs. For the last 3 weeks- no exercise. Tv. Booze booze booze, McDonalds, Chips, Pizza- just polished off Chinese Food and a Dr. Pepper.
I think I've put 10 lbs on and then some.
SO- FOR ME the mind/body connection is huge. When I feel in control of the diet and exercise component of my life, I feel in control of everything. Starting tomorrow, I am back to healthy ways. And since I said it here, I have to do it, right?
Ok. I am yours for the 2x4-ing.
Gimme them! Gently please. Feeling a wee bit bruised...
[This message edited by Klove at 2:27 PM, April 27th (Sunday)]