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At this point in time I am all over the place with feelings, I want him so badly to say "I love you" but that doesnt happen. I always told him that I loved him and the children, it was a daily thing we said to each other until that fateful day she facebooked me and told me about the two of them. From that time onward after the confrontation he has never said it to me. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted us to work it out, but he had to have no contact with her. A few weeks later I told him I loved him, he mumbled something back but I clearly could not understand what he said, when I said it again on another occasion he did the same thing. That was so hurtful to me that I have had to stop myself from saying it to him. I say it to the children everyday but not to him anymore. After many sleepless nights and a 9 kilo loss of weight, I was feeling nauseated with the whole situation, I couldnt sleep because i felt insecure and anxious. He was obviously feeling quite cocky one day when we were on our way to meet up with his sister who lives a few hours away by car, he said to me cant sleep hey? I could not stop the tears stinging my eyes and I said nope, and he said why not, as the tears rolled down my cheeks I told him how i felt and that he never tells me that he loves me, he just replied well I do otherwise I wouldnt be here. That was somewhat comforting but not entirely. I went to my doctor and told him briefly what was happening and that I felt unwell he wanted to know did I want to see a counsellor at that point in time I said no not yet. I have been watching my blood results for a while and my platelette count is dropping I am now under a haematologist who says there is something wrong with me could be a number of things going on at the same time. Worst case scenario is that I have Leukemia, which is what I think I have. He has come to see the specialist with me which I appreciated, however his reaction to me possibly having Leukemia has been a bit shocking to me. In the car on the way home he joked and said just make sure the insurance is all paid up, I will need it to pay off the house! He is always the comedian he thinks he is so funny. He also said that he thought it would have to be one of us because we both have family histories with cancer. Then less than 20 minutes later when we arrived home he was singing away out loud like he does when he is in a good mood, hows that for showing concern about someone you supposedly love. I have a very close knit family they many times picked up on things, my moods I guess that I am not a good actress and couldnt cover up how I was feeling a lot of the time. They were very concerned when I lost a lot of weight but I told them it was deliberate and that I was on a diet, they questioned my motives as I was not overweight. I didnt tell my family members about what happened as they would make my life hell by continually saying where is he now?, what is he doing?, how do you know that he doesnt have any more contact with her? etc. If it does turn out to be the dreaded Leukemia I know that he will look after the children well, he is a very good father actually probably one of the best fathers I know so I dont have concerns for their welfare in that way. They know of course that things were going on they are not silly and they could see and feel the tension at times but we made sure that we didnt bring them into any of the dramas that we had. I have not told them that I am not well at this stage I dont want to worry them. When I am alone with my thoughts I think about how the girls will manage without me, I know that my mother and sister will be there for them. He will probably then slowly get her involved with the family and he has always said that if something happened to me he would never be alone he is too use to having me around. Obviously I am still bitter and thinking that if this is the worst case scenario she wins! That makes me so mad. I am trying not to think negatively but it is very hard.

Omg so sorry, didnt mean to write an essay.

Amanda,

I am so sorry you are going through everything that you are going through. I strongly urge you to talk to your family. Your H is not trying in any way, shape or form to help you or support you. His reaction to you possibly having Leukemia is CRUEL. He knows it. He is not joking and your gut knows it.

Neither of you are in reconcilation, just sweeping what happened under the rug. You need support. If he will not give it, line up a support system. I also strongly encourage you to see a counselor for individual counseling (IC). My IC helped me to make key decisions for myself. Your husband is only interested in himself. Not in you, your happiness or your children right now. If he still has you locked out of his accounts, do not assume he and OW are not still together.

Read on the 180 for YOUR healing. I also strongly encourage you to see a lawyer. Find out your rights...to include worse case scenario if you do have leukemia. You have got to protect yourself and your children.

My heart goes out for you. I can not imagine the pain you are feeling. His comment about still being with you to equal loving you is crap too...he knows what he is saying. He is avoiding the situation and is trying to keep you quiet.

Keep posting! Support being sent to you!

amanda Ur H is cruel and u r being abused. I am sorry for u . U deserve none of this. How is he a good father and a shitty H? He seems to only care about himself.

You need to be here. We got your back and will offer as much support as needed; however, we will give it to u straight when you are making decisions that are destructive to u. Putting up with his abuse is not healthy.

I am so sorry about your doctor visit. I pray for the miracle you need to heal and find joy.

Amanda, I think you need to get your distance from this mean WS. He will keep making whatever is going on with your blood count worse. Being around him is a huge drag on your immune system and health as he continues to sound so cruel.

You are in the fight for your health now in a serious way. You are #1 now. Noone else.

As tests get done for you, can you find a meditation group? Someone to do Reiki for you? Reiki is a therapeutic touch mind-body healing technique.

The cobweb of infidelity pulls at us for some time. Although I managed to not lose weight the first year out, I have had a slew of health things that developed later as a result of A aftermath and other difficult issues, and know they're related to stress that has been hard for me to get under control.

Sending lots of prayers your way.

Wow, so sorry you are not feeling well. I will pray for you. Your WH needs to grow up. I don't understand the minds of some of these people that do what they do, cheat, lie, it just amazes me. I wish you strength and healing and also that you can be with a fine Godly man that will support you in all areas of your life. Wow I hope this one grows up quick. Wow.

(((Amanda)))

I cannot imagine going through the pain of all of this and then being unwell on top of it (although I am sure the stress doesn't help).

I hope that your test results come out well.

(((Amanda)))

So sorry to see that your here. I need to say your husband is an arse. I'm sorry to say it, Being a "good husband" and "good father" go hand in hand. He is, by example showing your kids how you should be treated. That is not positive.

Sorry about your health news.. Some advice given to me near he start of this journey. Focus only on what you can control. Eat when you can, sleep, drink plenty of water. Do not neglect your health.. Especially in this time. I know this is hard.. Try not to go "worse case scenario" with regard to your health....take each day as it comes.

Read the 180at the top of the forum... Work out exactly what you want. If you want to R.. Work on the terms of it and let WH know. If you want to S or D Think logistically how that will work. Work out what you want... And Don't be afraid to demand it. Being alone is better than being with a self centred moron, who cannot tell his wife he loves her when she needs to hear it.

I am sorry to hear about your health news! I went thru something very very similar during the aftermath of my 2nd Dday..Cancer scares for 2 different body systems...

I got very little support and my WH complained that I was inappropriately freaked out about my health scares and he was irritated that I wasn't focusing on him or our problems..

My reaction was that I thought he was being selfish/self centered and I lost any respect I had for him, which wasn't much by that time..

You are doing all you can one step at a time..You have to focus on you and your health.. Try to get your health out of the crapper, before you focus on marriage..

It may turn out that getting away from your WH for good will save your health and life...

Your WH is supposed to make life easier for you and show that he cares and that he is concerned for you and your wellbeing...

Just because the results of your tests aren't in yet doesn't mean that your WH gets to minimize or deny the presence of your very real and serious health scare..