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two years since d-day

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ProbableIceCream posted 4/27/2014 19:16 PM

D-Day was 4/27/2012. It's now been two years. Lot of stuff's changed. Every time something big changes, it feels weird for a while and then over time I get used to it. Almost everything's been for the better.

I still get sad/lonely sometimes. Not as often. I'm much less numb. Some of this stuff probably predates the marriage, to be honest.

Changing my job is a huge step outside of my comfort zone. I am starting to realize that I can confront (irrational) fears and that it's scary and stressful as hell, but I come out of it a better person. I'm sure sometimes confronting fears doesn't turn out well, but for me it overwhelmingly has turned out well.

Not that I'm ready to date yet, but I have realized recently that I am insecure about myself and very scared of being judged/rejection. All irrational. If I ever confront it, it'll be scary as hell, just like everything else, but maybe it'll get easier.

So many things in my life I avoid out of either fear or discomfort. I'm used to spending time in survival mode, conserving my energy, prioritizing. Being chronically short on sleep. Being chronically poor (until about four years ago).

I don't know if it's in my true nature to be cautious or if that's just an adaptation to all the bad things that I've gone through and that some day I will be spontaneous. I don't really care how I end up as long as it's true to myself. I can deal with cautious/planned or spontaneous, whichever works better for me.

I don't like scared or lonely. Those things are soul crushing.

FaithFool posted 4/27/2014 19:32 PM

I hope you get to catch up on your sleep. Restoring my circadian rhythm really helped speed the healing along...

(((PIC)))

norabird posted 4/27/2014 19:35 PM

When I am scared of something, I know it is always a sign that it is a good thing for me.

As you confront more of the fears, you'll realize they are bigger in your imagination than in real life. That it's the change in and of itself that is scary. It's good for you too though.

Keep letting yourself unfold and pushing the limits when you're ready.

Eventually it will all keep getting better and your confidence will grow.

cayc posted 4/27/2014 19:50 PM

Changing my job is a huge step outside of my comfort zone. I am starting to realize that I can confront (irrational) fears and that it's scary and stressful as hell, but I come out of it a better person.

All of the decisions I've made in my life that scared the shit out of me wound up being good changes. Every single time. Making the decision was so scary, seemed so wrong, but always looking back those were the times I experienced the most personal growth, gained the greatest benefit from the choice I made, and so now whenever I'm faced with a scary choice, I know to take it no matter how afraid I am.

Funny, when I married xWH I wasn't scared at all, lol.

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