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Feelings have numbed

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stunnedmullet posted 4/27/2014 19:20 PM

I am almost a month out from dd. I know we both want R. WH is doing everything he can to help me. At first I was just so shocked. Then I clung onto him like a life raft. But the last couple of days I just feel numb. I have lost enjoyment in everything I used to do and am really just going through the motions.

But I am scared because I feel like I have stepped away from WH. I know I love him but I am just not feeling much. Is this normal? This is scary because I want to love him. I want to work things out so why don't I feel anything?

I hope this makes sense

tl502 posted 4/27/2014 21:21 PM

I felt this way for so long. I think it is our minds way of protecting itself. Honestly, I still experience it when I feel stress around my husband. I forced myself to do the things that I had always enjoyed before for awhile. My husband stepped in and helped me alot to keep my garden going when I just couldn't make myself move. There are somethings that I have stepped away from, I just figure that they probably weren't that important to me anyway. Give yourself some time to heal, if it's important to you, you'll reinvest when you're ready.
As for stepping away from your husband, I think this may give you time to get more comfortable with your new reality. How he supports you at this very fragile time will make a great deal of difference on how your relationship heals. Letting him reach for you can be a great learning experience for both of you. It takes a long time, but it's worth it when it works.

Jrazz posted 4/27/2014 23:17 PM

It makes complete sense. Numbness is definitely a common stop on the rollercoaster.

In the beginning, Reconciliation for the BS really boils down to a willingness to try and work it out. You're not going to have feelings of love, or joy, or safety for quite some time. It sounds like your WH is doing a great job of stepping up. It's going to feel almost impossible to receive his efforts this early out, but hang in there if you can. Knowing that you love him and that he's working on righting this are the key ingredients right now.

Your feelings will take on a less tornado-like approach as the months progress.

What I'm saying is that it's completely normal for anger and numbness to be the predominant responses right now. Just hang in there and focus on getting yourself back piece by piece. The rest will follow.

atsenaotie posted 4/28/2014 08:51 AM

stunnedmullet,

I am almost a month out from dd. <snip> ...so why don't I feel anything?

The numbness is normal in my experience, looking back I do not remember much, let alone feelings, from the first 2 months after dday. The betrayal of an A is a lot to process, and it takes time work through it all. Your WH is not the person you thought thta he was, he betrayed you for 9+ months. It is going to take a lot of time with him doing things right before you can begin to feel comfortable being open and vulnerable with him again.

I found that IC during the early months helped me wiht processing what I was feeling, and with clarifying what I wanted and was willing to accept in my M relationship going forward.

For me, I did not really feel ready to accept her A and work R until after I reached a point of detachment and knowing I would be OK with or without her.

--Ats

btw, I love your name

stunnedmullet posted 4/28/2014 09:42 AM

Thanks everyone. I have an IC in a couple of days thankfully.

I found out today that he will be travelling at least once a month back to our home town for work and that is where she is based and where the A started. Where he took her to a work Christmas party and took her back to his hotel and fucked her for the first time whilst I was in our new house in a different state trying to make it a home 5 weeks out from moving in.

I feel terrified and devastated again, in a strange way in amongst all the fresh pain I am kind of relieved that at least I am feeling something!

What the hell did I do to deserve this pain! I must have been a frighten horrible person in a past life

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