As you all know, in-house S still happening. Ugh.
Anyway, I headed out to do some work in the yard and my mower wouldn't cooperate. WH wasn't home. I woke my son up to see if he could help. No luck. Got out the manual, DS looked up videos on you tube. We tried a few things. Decided we needed a part from the hardware store. I considered crying. I felt like crying. I refused to do it.
WH pulled in briefly to say he was going to store xyz, but did I need him to stay and help? Nope. You go on to the store.
He left.
I went to hardware store. Brought home new part. Installed part. No response from equipment. I'm like, wtf? Tears threatened again - how can a lawn mower make you feel completely alone? I decide to call my dad, because, you know, he can fix *everything*.
So, dad and I discuss the situation, get a game plan going on, decide we need some starter fluid, I'm checking for air intake.
WH rolls on up and parks, grabs starter fluid from cabinet and sprays it on intake as I relay instructions from dad. I pull the starter, mower bursts to life. I say, "Thanks dad!". Hang up. WH asks if I want help. Do I need him to do anything?
Nope.
Me and my purring mower walk away.
I only cried a little bit in the car on the way home from the hardware store.
I can handle my shit without you.
I am going to be ok.
I am so PROUD of you!!!
I have to admit that my mower did make me cry. X left me with a defective mower that would stall every 5 minutes. I tried and tried to fix it and had no clue how to. Finally my brother came to visit and said I needed new spark plug and to clean in air intake something-or-other. It was enough to get me thru the summer.
I also cried several times why trying to fix a toilet that ran 24/7. 5 or 6 trips to the hardware store and still the fucker was not right. I gave up and 6 months later called a plumber who just replaced the whole damn thing. Fail
But a week ago I was able to replace my leaky kitchen faucet!! It took a few trips to the hardware store and lots of research online, but I finally did it! I felt like I could conquer the world!!!!
Sometimes it is the little things that we did not think we could do and yet we do them anyway
Feels great, eh?
I can handle my shit without you. I am going to be ok.
Recovery in action!
I was left with the lawnmower that he hated,it was over 20 years old, and the edger that hated women operators! I sold the edger in a yard sale to a neighbor - it started right up for him! I ended up buying a newer mower and weed whacker thing that you change from edger to weed whacker to pole saw and other things. I love them!!!!
It is always empowering when I defeat his demon by doing things his voice said I couldn't. Even if his voice is inside my head- I like telling it to shut up and showing it up by proving it wrong! Even if it's only in my head!
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
Life's good.
