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I must stop feeling guilty!!

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deena posted 4/27/2014 23:48 PM

For feeling like I am now ruining his life!!

I have asked for a separation.
I have told the kids and why.
I am openly looking for someplace to move to and taking the kids to look at some of the houses
I am trying to be civil. I am also the one that has taken the spare single bed.
I did ask him to stop the touching when he tried to Hoover, so I made him feel bad.

Yet he acts all sad and I feel like the bad one! So frustrating.
So then I look up sites and read to help me feel better about breaking up the family and leaving him on his own. I feel the need to reassure my self that I am justified in being "the mean one now"

Here are some quotes I must read over and over

The first one is about the fact that I never really pursued the identity of the OW....I didn't blame her. I always blamed WH. But then there were a couple of girls I suspected he was with at least emotionally but probably physically as well. And I wondered how they could have done that to me. One slightly knew me.
And the next quote is because I have always felt partly responsible for him leaving and cheating the first time.(BTW I didn't find out he cheated during that time until 4 years ago) It was while I was going thru counselling for my past Childhood sexual abuse that I had kept secret.....only to have the fears resurface when the abuser moved closer to my city. Maybe I wasn't there for him as I should have been. Maybe I was more needy. And he also said I rarely initiated sex anymore

I know that when a spouse cheats a personís first reaction is to blame the other man/other woman. There is that need to know as much as possible about the person your spouse became involved with and to understand what makes that person tick.

In the end though, you will come to the determination that it isnít so much about the other person and more about the person you are married to. If you need understanding then, seek understanding.

Donít allow your need to understand the other person keep you from dealing with the real problem at handÖthe person you married and chose to cheat on you.


Whatever the reason it is the cheaters to own. If a man is not getting his needs met in the marriage it is his place to solve that problem without bringing a third person into the situation.
If a man has an issue with boundaries or low self-esteem, it is not his wifeís place to suffer the consequences. If youíve been a victim of infidelity more than likely your husband has blamed you in some way.

I donít believe in being a victim and I donít believe in taking responsibility for someone elseís actions. If your husband has cheated and tries to tell you it was because there were problems in the marriage remind him that you were living in the same troubled marriage and chose not to cheat. A choice he could have made himself. A choice he is responsible for,

not you

[This message edited by deena at 11:51 PM, April 27th (Sunday)]

Lackingcourage posted 4/28/2014 00:05 AM

What are these quotes from? I am sorely tempted to send the second one to my WH, not that it would matter to him. In his eyes, he is the exception to all the rules, so it wouldn't apply. But they are also good for me to read, because I feel terribly guilty sometimes about my issues that contributed to problems in the relationship which leads to me blaming myself for his affairs. Thanks for sharing them.

[This message edited by Lackingcourage at 12:08 AM, April 28th (Monday)]

deena posted 4/28/2014 00:25 AM

Go to "" divorce support is where I started. Then I looked st the related articles listed there.

The second quote was from this site > Thinking About Divorce > Infidelity
Infidelity: Knowing Why Doesnít Keep Him From Cheating Again

dmari posted 4/28/2014 01:32 AM

It is good that you KNOW you shouldn't feel guilty and I love the quotes you shared. Thank you for letting us know where you found them as I will be checking it out after I submit this post. I know that I need to remind myself of the second quote ALOT!

Gemini71 posted 4/28/2014 12:36 PM

You are not ruining his life. He did that all on his own.

He is acting sad because he is a petulant emotional infant and you are not letting him have his cake and eat it too.

You are not breaking up the family. You are changing the living arrangements to reflect the reality of what your WS has done to the family. HE left the family emotionally a long time ago. Ideally, he would physically leave the home as well, but since he isn't, you are establishing a new home for the remaining family (you and the kids). The family was broken by his infidelity, you are just taking care of what is left in the best way possible.

Maybe I wasn't there for him as I should have been. Maybe I was more needy. And he also said I rarely initiated sex anymore

Do NOT accept any blame for his cheating. So you were needy. It was his job as your husband to be a support to you. By that reasoning, you should have been able to cheat on him because he failed you in your time of need. (insert sarcasm)

And don't get me started on the issue of who initiates sex. My STBXH didn't initiate sex anymore because I "turned him down in the past." Sorry I didn't feel like having sex when sick or exhausted. I felt rejected, even though he wouldn't turn me down when I initiated sex. But I did not use it as an excuse to cheat. WS's will twist anything into an excuse. Your WS didn't like that you rarely initiated. My WS didn't like that I did initiate. You can't win for losing with these people.

Personally, I feel offended that your WS would use your childhood trauma as an excuse against you. My WS used my depression as an excuse against me. It is all just them trying to cover their asses. You need to lose the guilt and gain some anger. As women, we are culturally conditioned to not get angry, so it turns inward as guilt. This is something to work on in IC, or to just tell yourself over and over.


[This message edited by Gemini71 at 12:41 PM, April 28th (Monday)]

deena posted 4/28/2014 19:30 PM

Thanks Gem

I need more of you!!

I try not to feel guilt and there are times when I DO get angry.

I turned that anger and quit smoking, told WH I wanted out, told the kids everything.........I guess I am just all spent.

Then he turns "oh poor me" and I feel guilt.
Counselling I have had lots of and have been told to stop being walked on. To stand up for myself and I have improved. I just slide back at times.

I will also keep your reply to read when I need it

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