I am a WH currently being given the utterly bewildering gift of attempted R with my BW. DDay was almost 4 months ago and we have had many positive and many very difficult days within that time. What I am beginning to notice is that the further we move away from DDay and settle into our hopefully temporary reality of simply living with the truth of my infidelity while we also try and deal with the terrifying notion of what it all means - we are starting to have a sort of groundhog day. Every morning, we wake up and BW has been having horrible dreams filled with anxiety. Sometimes about the affair, sometimes just about lying and betrayal. As the day sets out things improve and we generally communicate fairly well for the first half of the day while im at work, but as the day progresses her tensions seem to mount and her anxiety finds a way to take over and by the time im home she is in a terrible place again. We find a way to improve between coming home and going to bed but by the time we are in bed we have usually slipped back into terrible and the night rarely ends on a positive note.
My surprise is not that BW is feeling this way. I am aware that it relates to the trauma i have caused and i know to expect it. What surprises me is the way in which the days now seem to mostly follow this pattern. The cyclic nature of it. And the more it happens the harder it seems to be to get out of it, like the ritual is starting to take over. Does this make any sense to anyone?
So my question is, does anyone else go through this and what can I do to help us break through it, or is it something i need to allow to work itself out organically? Ultimately i will do whatever is necessary, i am just feeling a bit lost on this one.
[This message edited by devasted30 at 6:27 AM, April 28th (Monday)]
1) This may be a normal pattern for 4 months out. It sure sounds familiar to me. The 2d year was better.
2) You (both working together) may be able to change the cycle. It may help to ask your W if she recognizes it, if it disturbs her, and if she thinks you can change it. If she thinks it can be changed, work together to figure out what will work for you.
3) Bring it up in MC and see if your W will work to change the cycle.
It may be too early, but I certainly can see benefits to both of you in learning to control the cycle.
What helps me and unfortunately, I rarely get it is for WH to help keep my insecurities grounded.
At least the ones about me being disposable to him and unloved/uncherished. When he reassures me of his love for me and WHY he loves me and how he's committed to me, it helps a lot.
I am a WH currently being given the utterly bewildering gift of attempted R with my BW
Not so much a gift as an opportunity, the way I see it. There's a possibility she may not get over this, but she is willing to try.
Your job is to do whatever you can to make it work, and keep doing it as she works her mind through this mess.