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Need advice please - WS

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theseseatsRtaken posted 4/28/2014 06:14 AM


I am a WH currently being given the utterly bewildering gift of attempted R with my BW. DDay was almost 4 months ago and we have had many positive and many very difficult days within that time. What I am beginning to notice is that the further we move away from DDay and settle into our hopefully temporary reality of simply living with the truth of my infidelity while we also try and deal with the terrifying notion of what it all means - we are starting to have a sort of groundhog day. Every morning, we wake up and BW has been having horrible dreams filled with anxiety. Sometimes about the affair, sometimes just about lying and betrayal. As the day sets out things improve and we generally communicate fairly well for the first half of the day while im at work, but as the day progresses her tensions seem to mount and her anxiety finds a way to take over and by the time im home she is in a terrible place again. We find a way to improve between coming home and going to bed but by the time we are in bed we have usually slipped back into terrible and the night rarely ends on a positive note.

My surprise is not that BW is feeling this way. I am aware that it relates to the trauma i have caused and i know to expect it. What surprises me is the way in which the days now seem to mostly follow this pattern. The cyclic nature of it. And the more it happens the harder it seems to be to get out of it, like the ritual is starting to take over. Does this make any sense to anyone?

So my question is, does anyone else go through this and what can I do to help us break through it, or is it something i need to allow to work itself out organically? Ultimately i will do whatever is necessary, i am just feeling a bit lost on this one.

devasted30 posted 4/28/2014 06:24 AM

BW here. I wish I could tell you what you could do to help your BW but it has been 18 months for me and I still am going through it too. I do not have the nightmares, but every morning I wake up and for a few seconds-sometimes minutes-I don't remember what has happened. Then it all comes flooding back and my heart breaks over and over again. If my WS is around during the day, I work at pushing it aside and trying to carry on through the day (sometimes it works, other times, not so much) but if he is at work, well then the mind goes to places so dark That I cannot even begin to describe the pain.
The only thing, I' can tell you is what I've been told. Time will help. But, after 18 months, I have to say, I am not hopeful. I am sorry this is not good news but that is the way it is with me. I hope your BW is in IC. It does help.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 6:27 AM, April 28th (Monday)]

kate0421 posted 4/28/2014 07:07 AM

Yes I can fully understand what your BW is going through. I hate those moments waking up and like devastated30 said, there is this moment or glimpse of happiness or normalcy and then boom, its like living in a nightmare. Sometimes the shock still gets to me, and I can't believe this is happening to me. When my WS is home I usually have better days. But he also spends his time showing me affection and trying to make my days better.
When your BW is sad or crying in these times what are you doing?
The things that helped me the most
my WS would/will hold me. he will grab me tight and tell me how sorry he is. That he couldn't believe what he has done to us, that he would take it all back right now if he could, that he never wanted to hurt me. My WS is not one to speak his emotions. So usually he would just show his actions by holding me or doing little things for me like bringing me home my favorite chocolate or flowers. It was his words and hearing the pain in his voice that made me feel like I wasn't so alone.
There were also times no matter what he said I was hysterical, but he would just hold me or sit next to me anyways.
He will text me randomly throughout the day while he is at work, "just thinking of you" " I love you" one way messages. This has saved me so many times from going back into a horrible place. Durring the day I'm a SAHM so there is LOTS of time to think, too much time.
I'm sorry I'm not much help. But when you and your BW wife are together and she is feeling ok, ask her, don't be afraid to ask her for what you can do when she gets to those places. Sometimes nothing makes it better and you really do have to just go with it. But if there is something you can or have done in the past to help, the best thing is to talk about it. So you know.
Oh and from My personal experience, I now know not to talk about the A while I'm in this emotional state. It makes the pain and emotions 10x. When I use to get like this I would start asking questions and that is just a no no for me. But what helped me was knowing when my WS came home that we could sit down and I can ask him whatever I want.

sisoon posted 4/28/2014 07:56 AM

I can think of a number of possibilities...

1) This may be a normal pattern for 4 months out. It sure sounds familiar to me. The 2d year was better.

2) You (both working together) may be able to change the cycle. It may help to ask your W if she recognizes it, if it disturbs her, and if she thinks you can change it. If she thinks it can be changed, work together to figure out what will work for you.

3) Bring it up in MC and see if your W will work to change the cycle.

It may be too early, but I certainly can see benefits to both of you in learning to control the cycle.

NoGoodUsername posted 4/28/2014 08:23 AM

Stay present for her at these times. When she has bad dreams, directly address the content, the feelings behind them and own that your actions are what caused the problem. This isn't empty advice, we had to work together on a bad dream this morning and will have to talk more tonight. That is the very day after a significant positive turning point in our path of reconciliation. Be there and validate her hurts as valid while acknowledging that you caused it.
Listen to her and use the information to giveyou guidance on what to work on.

tl502 posted 4/28/2014 10:41 AM

I have found that it helps me alot, when my H and I are away from each other, for him to contact me (text or emails work if phone calls aren't possible) throughout the day. It helps me when I cycle into a bad place. It also helps me to know that he's invested in our marriage 24/7.
This might help your wife to not get in such a bad place by the end of her day.
It's harder for a WS to compartmentalize their life when you are connecting with your spouse throughout the day as well. She may feel more connected with you if you try this as well.

Athene posted 4/28/2014 10:57 AM

This happened/happens to me as well.
Each am, I actually feel hopeful.
I'm even looking forward to a nice evening, being affectionate, having fun, being able to talk.
Then as the day goes on, I get more and more "closed" and anxious and exhausted.
Some days I can see the triggers that pushed me out of the morning's good zone. Other days, I can't.
By the time, I pull into the garage in the evening, I'm a ball of hurt, insecurity, exhaustion.
One thing I know for me is that work is very taxing for me. I see many people all day who are constantly asking me for my help in the medical profession. I have to compartmentalize my needs/emotions away and be there for others over and over. It makes me exhausted. By the end of the day, after repressing/compartmentalizing/acting all day, I often have nothing to give - emotionally or physically.

What helps me and unfortunately, I rarely get it is for WH to help keep my insecurities grounded.
At least the ones about me being disposable to him and unloved/uncherished. When he reassures me of his love for me and WHY he loves me and how he's committed to me, it helps a lot.

twisted posted 4/28/2014 11:21 AM

I am a WH currently being given the utterly bewildering gift of attempted R with my BW

Not so much a gift as an opportunity, the way I see it. There's a possibility she may not get over this, but she is willing to try.
Your job is to do whatever you can to make it work, and keep doing it as she works her mind through this mess.

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