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rachelc posted 4/28/2014 06:17 AM

lately, although I always love cuddling with him, I don't want sex. Our sex life has been great for four years - yes, even during the affairs.

I just don't want to share that part of me with him, it seems so very private. And its reminding me of the way I felt before my affair, that there is some power struggle going on and its the one thing I can keep from him. Which of course, means I probably feel powerless in this relationship and want him to know something.

Its the old push/pull thing with no resolution. Just a giving in by somebody. I'm not quite sure why we're like this. Yes, something very small happened, he was honest and I struggled with his choice. And it led me to think about what I posted yesterday on some thread - he's giving what he can and I have to accept that.

I don't mean to do this but I just freaking close up. I'm not sure subconscious actions reveal true feelings. We'll discuss in MC. But this has never happened before since the As.

sisoon posted 4/28/2014 08:17 AM

Is this related to being raped? If so, this sounds positive. Is this another aspect of taking control of yourself, for you, not against your H? This, too, sounds positive. Besides, it's OK to say 'just cuddling right now'.

If this is, in fact, a positive development, you'll probably pretty quickly remember the pleasure of sex and shift to, 'I can say 'No', but I don't want to.'

'Yes' is just so much more powerful when you know you can say 'No', too. A real 'yes' allows a person to be a willing, even eager and committed, partner instead of someone doing something against his will. JMO, of course.

rachelc posted 4/28/2014 08:29 AM

no, it's more of a "i don't want to give him this because he won't give me that." and it's the old coping mechanism rearing it's ugly head.

I did talk to him about the trigger and when I dig it involves me being stuck in my lack of acceptance. And that acceptance is that it actually happened but also, that he is limited in what he'll do to make it more palatable for me.

Althea posted 4/28/2014 08:37 AM

Wow. I saw the title to this thread and immediately felt I had to read it. Its interesting to me that you connected to my thread and your feelings that you have to accept what he can give. As I was struggling with those thoughts, and the stress associated with staying in a relationship where I live in anxiety that I'm going to be hurt again; I had one night in particular where I thought he might try to initiate sex and I recoiled at the thought. I actually brought our 7 month old baby in to bed with me, held her, and prayed he would try to touch me. It was such a horrible feeling, and I really couldn't understand it at the time.

After working through my feelings more, I realized a couple of things. The first is that a few days prior to that, while I was still struggling with those feelings, I did have sex with him when I didn't really want to but felt like I "should" because it had been two weeks. This led to the second realization, this was an example of me meeting a need of his, while not expecting him to meet a need of mine.

This is a FOO issue for me. Take care of others, and don't expect them to meet yours because they can't. This is the attitude Ive had to take with many of my family members. WH has had to do the same.

Here's the thing, my marriage, like yours, is a relationship of choice. We are choosing to be with someone who is not currently meeting our needs (and maybe never did). It is also a choice to accept that this person cannot meet your needs.

It isn't surprising that you don't want to be intimate with someone you can't trust to meet your needs. The two go hand in hand, and both are needed for a healthy relationship.

I woke up today deciding that I choose differently. I'm holding him accountable from here on out. No more passes because he is more limited emotionally. If he truly cannot step up, I think I owe it to myself to leave. Otherwise, I am sentencing myself (and him) to a marriage filled with pain.