REALLY struggling. Been this way since H and I took a trip last week. The trip was near identical to one that we took last Nov, when he was in the A and I was clueless. It was a work trip for me and H tagged along. I have asked him since then why he came on that trip, since he obviously was so in lurrvve with his AP at the time, and he said, "I wanted to see if there was anything left between us." This response makes me want to rip his face off--um, you were TESTING me?! And obviously I couldn't measure up to the sexpot in your fantasy bubble because the A escalated even more when we got back...
So, this trip last week was also for work to the same city, same length of time, same flight, similar activities--basically identical. We thought we might be able to make better memories this time, but I think it was just a bad idea. The few days leading up to the trip were triggery and I was growing increasingly upset. By the time we landed in the airport, I was shaking with rage. Things got a little heated and I told him that I thought it was a mistake that he came and that I didn't know how or whether I could get past things, ever. I managed to pull it together and we ended up having an ok time, but I'm still stuck and last night I slept on the couch because I can't stand to look at him. I told him that all I see is a liar, a cheat, a selfish bastard.
Before this, things were going along ok, some bumps and triggers as to be expected, but he seemed to be trying. Now he's avoiding me. Instead of trying to talk to me, he's silent, I can feel his anger, which just pisses me off more. What right does he have to be angry? Just reinforces my view of him as selfish. I know the "right" thing to do is to break the silence myself. BUT I am so infuriated by everything and now I have to be the one to try to smooth things over when I'm not even sure I want to? He rejected me by having an A. I don't feel like I should be chasing after him now. We've had this discussion before and he knows how I feel about that particular issue. I feel like he's pretty good about things when I am not triggering and angry, but when the work gets really hard, he hides.
Feeling so negative today that I'm fantasizing about throwing him out. That hasn't happened in a long time.