...and with those words, its official. My ex can no longer affect me financially. What is mine is mine, and what is hers is hers. We have little, if any reason to ever speak again. I can now say "I'm free."
I say she can no longer affect me financially. I have to admit (as if you can't see it in my posts) that she is still occupying more head space than I should allow. Then again, its only been 3 months since it all fell apart, or at least when I knew what was going down. Up until then, she was as close to perfect as anyone I've ever know. She was my one true love, my life, and my world. Turning that off takes some time, but time helps. Reflection helps. Anger certainly helps. NC, the 180, and, of course, all you good people - it all helps, and I know I will get to that point of indifference with regards to her. She is my past now, not my present, and certainly not my future. She chose to start us down this path, but I chose to finish it.
In reflection, I came to a realization yesterday, or at least put a concept to it along with many words to describe "it." I have this "it," while she didn't. She is a parasite and a mimic with no inner self-direction. She always has been per hindsight and it's 20/20 vision. I suppose I can take it as a credit to me that what she mimicked back for so long was as close to true love as such a shell of a soul can do. I was truly, truly happy, and in turn, she reflected all that back. She, the parasite, fed on the happiness that I thought she gave me, but really, it was always me. I have the "it." Some call it a soul. Some call it inner strength. Some call it a morale compass. Some call it the presence of God in your heart and mind. Some simply call it an identity, a true sense of self, an equilibrium of the basic components that separate man from animals - love. We all, in one form or another, mimic those closest to us and/or those we strive to be like. We can wear certain clothes, hang out in certain circles, listen to certain music, etc. etc. When the chips are down and the masks are stripped away, what's left underneath is who you truly are. There is something scarred, yet equally beautiful underneath my surface. Beneath hers, well, it's nothingness. It's black, cold, and lifeless. It is the parasite that cannot exist on its own and cannot feel real love.
My "it" is what has gotten me through life and all it's thrown at me, from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. "It" will get me through this too. It has already taken me farther than I possibly could have dreamed for in 3 months. Of course, "it" knows I can't do this alone. IC, my true friends, and my family have helped in so many ways. Of course, the biggest piece of my recovery and rebirth is thanks to the very good people of SI. Seriously, when I say I love each and every one of you, I mean it. I am tearing up due to the strength and peace you put in my heart on a daily basis. It says so very much about the character of people who can be suffering immeasurable Hell, yet still reach out to others in that same Hell to lift them up. We all have "it." We are 43,000+ of the best, truest and purest souls on this planet. No, I do NOT think I'm exaggerating that in the slightest. This site in an inspiration, a godsend, and a thing of absolute beauty even with all the pain written in it's pages. Thank you all so very much.
So, I'm writing this from home over a late breakfast, after which I'll head into the office. Just the fact that I can go to work after this morning kind of shows where my head is at now. I did not do cartwheels out of the courtroom, nor did I break down and plead to anyone what would listen to please not let this happen. I'm just kinda "meh." I do feel, if anything, a bit of relief. Another milestone down, and a step closer to reconnecting with myself and learning to love me again. When I do look for the one, I will not be looking for a woman who can "complete me." I will not be looking to "save" anyone. I will not be looking for a "better half." I will, however, welcome someone who has "it," and who loves me simply for love's sake. She won't need me, nor I her. True love needs not.
Tonight, I'll toast my past and my future with a small family gathering. Tomorrow, I'll take the day off to let it all hit me if it's going to. Then, it's back to the grind. Today, April 28th, 2014, I am parasite free. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.