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What has IC done for you?

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Angel177 posted 4/28/2014 10:35 AM

I tried starting IC last year but I only went once and wasn't comfortable being honest with the counseller so I didn't go back.

I'm miserable. I am filled with rage and complete despair over the affair still. I feel so suffocated by it. I obsess over it. Wh is doing everything he can...everything I never thought I could get from him he is giving me...model remorseful spouse. Doesn't change the fact that he destroyed me back in 2012.

I'm trying a different IC next week. Do you think if I find a counseller I like it will help me? Sometimes I feel like I am beyond help and a lost cause.

rachelc posted 4/28/2014 10:45 AM

you're not beyond help. What I am finding from listening to people is that most IC fail to understand the trauma associated with the betrayal of an affair.
10 months after two Ddays I had an IC say to me, "I'm sorry, he did what he did, time to move beyond it." And then I went to a new IC, received EMDR therapy and that helped immensely.
Try to find one experienced in healing from this.

sunvalley posted 4/28/2014 11:56 AM

You need a good IC. I had a couple crappy ones and they did more damage than good quite honestly. I now have one I adore. She helped me with PTSD and focus on the OW, she helped me with calming techniques and recognizing that I don't deal with my emotions. The right one can help! I do find it's such a struggle to find a good one though. We just called to book MC again and the referral company sent us to the exact guy my WH told them we didn't like and didn't want to see again..no way no how will I waste my time again on someone who doesn't even allow us in 6 sessions to address the As! Good luck with this new one, but if it's not a good fit don't be discouraged to keep looking...maybe with the next one ask about their techniques and approaches before going to an appointment, they should be able to provide you that much over the phone.

meplusfour posted 4/28/2014 12:08 PM

I chose my IC based on her experience in helping individuals affected by infidelity. She has been a large part of my recovery by helping me move through my feeling of anger, hurt and humiliation. She has also provided different strategies for dealing with triggers, moments of rage, and in communicating with fWH. At times, she has been my sounding board when I am feeling frustrated and beyond help. I tend to be a private person and do not like to burden my friends with my problems and issues. My therapist is a safe place for me to express myself freely, without judgment and a place to ask for help.

If you are struggling, it may be worth trying out a new IC. But give it a few sessions before deciding whether to quit. It does take time to build a relationship with the IC.

blakesteele posted 4/28/2014 13:06 PM

The fact that you are on here posting that you are concerned you are beyond help says loud and clear....YOU ARE NOT BEYOND HELP.

Those that are beyond help THINK they don't need help.

IC helped me identify and work through PTSD-like symptoms, recognize the destructive nature of using porn and helped me break free from its hold on me, and have nudged our R repeatedly.

We have had 3 therapist to date.....80-90 sessions. One was a LCSW, one was a CSAT/Infidelity specialist, our current one is a certified christian therapist.

They are not miracle workers, just people like us....have their own brokenness that comes with them. So keep that in mind....and evaluate them as you work through your issues. As you grow and change you may find, like we did, that new input was needed.

SI and real life friends are key components too.

The LAST thing you want to do is try to internalize the trauma you went through....and both fWS and BS go through trauma. Debatable if a WS choosing adultery experiences trauma.....as adultery is avoiding pain, including traumatic level pain.

You can do this....keep reaching out.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:10 PM, April 28th (Monday)]

TheBestMe posted 4/28/2014 13:26 PM

I'm miserable. I am filled with rage and complete despair over the affair still. I feel so suffocated by it. I obsess over it

Angel1177, been there too. Fortunately, the second therapist that I saw specializes in food addiction. She has been essential in helping me uncover the reasons that I turned to food as a coping mechanism. IC has been essential in my healing.

As in any close relationship, one must do the research to find a compatible partner.

All the best to you.

karmahappens posted 4/28/2014 14:30 PM

Oh man.

IC is huge for me.

I found one that was absolutely amazing.

I went through various traumas as a child which I carried with me through adult-hood. The affair was my wake up call.

I was living with anger, dispair, self-hate. You name it, I felt it.

I didn't see how completely broken I was until I started going to my IC.

She opened up my world. She allowed me to see past the traumas, see my strength, find the good I had inside of me.

She change the lenses on the glasses I wear and has completely changed my life.

I am happy, with me and with my life. I am grateful. My husband is able to open up to me and I him, our lives are wonderful.

I don't have the words to do the healing I went through justice.

I wish every BS would get in and find a good IC. The difference between dealing with the pain and living in the pain is a life changer.

So go to IC and find one that makes you feel like you are sitting in your friend's living room. Open up and talk, dig through your pain. Heal and grow, it will be the best choice you will ever make in your life.

You may or may not have other issues, like me, or just the A trauma to heal from.

It doesn't matter, whatever the damage, whatever hurt you have, pulling it apart and dealing with it will help you.

You may or may not stay married, no future is certain.

What is certain for me, is my ability to face my life, see the truth in what I have and to live honestly with my short-coming and my strengths.

GO!! It will free your soul.

(((hugs)))

Hatemyhusband posted 4/28/2014 14:38 PM

Relationships develop with an IC. It's not easy to open up. I say try three times then you will know

I started 6 months after H started his affair. I have been with her 2 years this May. I never mentioned I thought he was unfaithful. I wasn't ready. I had lots of other issues that we talked about. Family stress, being child of severe alcholics, abuse, etc.
I truly feel she made me strong enough to confront H, although I told her with him after dd.

It helps. Just verbaliZing helps

wert posted 4/28/2014 15:13 PM

you're not beyond help. What I am finding from listening to people is that most IC fail to understand the trauma associated with the betrayal of an affair.

I would extend that to saying most IC's fail to understand.

I think a hard truth out IC's in general is there aren't very many really good ones and to make matters worst, there are not a lot of good one's for you specifically. It took a special guy for me to connect with and even then I made him earn it.

None of this is to say you can't find one. My two cent is keep trying them until you connect....don't look to them for answers, just direction and ideas. You are the only one in the entire world who has the answers for you. A good IC can point the way, you drive the car. Would you want it any other way?

take care...

kansas1968 posted 4/28/2014 15:20 PM

I spent quite a bit of time trying to decide on a counselor that would be right for me. I was 64 when I found out and I didn't want someone much younger than me. Not that I think that younger counselors can't be good, but I just knew I would not be comfortable talking about some things with a much younger person.

I also knew I wanted a woman. Again, there are some things that I would not be comfortable talking about to a man.

I found someone just my age and she has been wonderful. It mainly gave me a place to talk and talk and talk...LOL. She just lets me and then asks a few questions. I am ALWAYS aprehensive when I head over to her office, but I ALWAYS feel so much better when I leave. It has been three years since I started going, and I still go occasionaly. Maybe twice a year.

My husband also went to her, both as an IC and a MC. She knows us both and that works well.

crossroads2010 posted 4/28/2014 19:23 PM

don't look to them for answers, just direction and ideas. You are the only one in the entire world who has the answers for you. A good IC can point the way, you drive the car. Would you want it any other way?

Well said...after pouring out my story to my second IC, she summarized what I had just told her "....and WH is still seeing OW...." "Can you live with him seeing her." She also asked me when I thought I would be done with therapy...what had to happen for me to be okay on my own." She never told me what to decide...just to think about trying some different things to cope ...to handle life. She was referred by a close friend. I was very lucky to find her.

Angel177 posted 4/28/2014 20:27 PM

Thanks everyone. I really hope this is a positive step in my healing.

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