I'm miserable. I am filled with rage and complete despair over the affair still. I feel so suffocated by it. I obsess over it. Wh is doing everything he can...everything I never thought I could get from him he is giving me...model remorseful spouse. Doesn't change the fact that he destroyed me back in 2012.
I'm trying a different IC next week. Do you think if I find a counseller I like it will help me? Sometimes I feel like I am beyond help and a lost cause.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
If you are struggling, it may be worth trying out a new IC. But give it a few sessions before deciding whether to quit. It does take time to build a relationship with the IC.
Those that are beyond help THINK they don't need help.
IC helped me identify and work through PTSD-like symptoms, recognize the destructive nature of using porn and helped me break free from its hold on me, and have nudged our R repeatedly.
We have had 3 therapist to date.....80-90 sessions. One was a LCSW, one was a CSAT/Infidelity specialist, our current one is a certified christian therapist.
They are not miracle workers, just people like us....have their own brokenness that comes with them. So keep that in mind....and evaluate them as you work through your issues. As you grow and change you may find, like we did, that new input was needed.
SI and real life friends are key components too.
The LAST thing you want to do is try to internalize the trauma you went through....and both fWS and BS go through trauma. Debatable if a WS choosing adultery experiences trauma.....as adultery is avoiding pain, including traumatic level pain.
You can do this....keep reaching out.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:10 PM, April 28th (Monday)]
I'm miserable. I am filled with rage and complete despair over the affair still. I feel so suffocated by it. I obsess over it
Angel1177, been there too. Fortunately, the second therapist that I saw specializes in food addiction. She has been essential in helping me uncover the reasons that I turned to food as a coping mechanism. IC has been essential in my healing.
As in any close relationship, one must do the research to find a compatible partner.
All the best to you.
Both feet pointed forward; positive
IC is huge for me.
I found one that was absolutely amazing.
I went through various traumas as a child which I carried with me through adult-hood. The affair was my wake up call.
I was living with anger, dispair, self-hate. You name it, I felt it.
I didn't see how completely broken I was until I started going to my IC.
She opened up my world. She allowed me to see past the traumas, see my strength, find the good I had inside of me.
She change the lenses on the glasses I wear and has completely changed my life.
I am happy, with me and with my life. I am grateful. My husband is able to open up to me and I him, our lives are wonderful.
I don't have the words to do the healing I went through justice.
I wish every BS would get in and find a good IC. The difference between dealing with the pain and living in the pain is a life changer.
So go to IC and find one that makes you feel like you are sitting in your friend's living room. Open up and talk, dig through your pain. Heal and grow, it will be the best choice you will ever make in your life.
You may or may not have other issues, like me, or just the A trauma to heal from.
It doesn't matter, whatever the damage, whatever hurt you have, pulling it apart and dealing with it will help you.
You may or may not stay married, no future is certain.
What is certain for me, is my ability to face my life, see the truth in what I have and to live honestly with my short-coming and my strengths.
GO!! It will free your soul.
I started 6 months after H started his affair. I have been with her 2 years this May. I never mentioned I thought he was unfaithful. I wasn't ready. I had lots of other issues that we talked about. Family stress, being child of severe alcholics, abuse, etc.
I truly feel she made me strong enough to confront H, although I told her with him after dd.
It helps. Just verbaliZing helps
you're not beyond help. What I am finding from listening to people is that most IC fail to understand the trauma associated with the betrayal of an affair.
I would extend that to saying most IC's fail to understand.
I think a hard truth out IC's in general is there aren't very many really good ones and to make matters worst, there are not a lot of good one's for you specifically. It took a special guy for me to connect with and even then I made him earn it.
None of this is to say you can't find one. My two cent is keep trying them until you connect....don't look to them for answers, just direction and ideas. You are the only one in the entire world who has the answers for you. A good IC can point the way, you drive the car. Would you want it any other way?
I also knew I wanted a woman. Again, there are some things that I would not be comfortable talking about to a man.
I found someone just my age and she has been wonderful. It mainly gave me a place to talk and talk and talk...LOL. She just lets me and then asks a few questions. I am ALWAYS aprehensive when I head over to her office, but I ALWAYS feel so much better when I leave. It has been three years since I started going, and I still go occasionaly. Maybe twice a year.
My husband also went to her, both as an IC and a MC. She knows us both and that works well.
don't look to them for answers, just direction and ideas. You are the only one in the entire world who has the answers for you. A good IC can point the way, you drive the car. Would you want it any other way?
Well said...after pouring out my story to my second IC, she summarized what I had just told her "....and WH is still seeing OW...." "Can you live with him seeing her." She also asked me when I thought I would be done with therapy...what had to happen for me to be okay on my own." She never told me what to decide...just to think about trying some different things to cope ...to handle life. She was referred by a close friend. I was very lucky to find her.