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killinmesoftly posted 4/28/2014 10:35 AM

I will be married 4 years in 10 days.My marriage has always felt perfect like I married my best friend until 4/8. My wife & I met up w/ her friend and her spouse for drinks and to watch a game we had a decent time and it was our first time meeting her friend's spouse. The next day the friend's spouse FB friend my wife and myself, I thought no biggie so I accepted but thats as far as the contact went with myself and the friend's spouse. Well the spouse messaged my wife telling her how great it was meeting her and how amazing she is, mind you they just met...

Ive never been a snooper but this particular day I had this nagging feeling so I read her FB message from her friend's spouse.Long story short the friend's spouse ask my wife for her # and they became fast "friends" texting thu the day over and over, one text I saw the spouse told my wife she is beautiful and how enjoyable it is to talk with her.

I asked my wife to discontinue any and all contact with her friend' s spouse bc it made me uncomfortable and I dont like ppl flirting with er and I felt she was beginning to emotionally cheat on me, she said it was just a friendship and nothing weird is going on. I dont believe it. She claims to have ended the friendship but now she carries her phone everywhere she goes, shower, cooking, bathroom, EVERYwhere.

Lately she has been staying at work late and leaving out to hang with her "friends" when Im not around and I feel she is still texting possibly seeing her friends spouse. What am I to Do?

I cant live or be married to a liar and a possible cheater

Credence posted 4/28/2014 10:46 AM

Sorry you're here. Your gut is telling you that something is not right and you're doing the right thing by trying to find out if your suspicions are warranted. Many people here wish they had trusted their gut sooner.

Have you checked your wife's phone bill to see whether there has been continued contact? Do you know your W's friend well enough to ask her whether her spouse and your W are out/working late at the same time? Are you able to call your W on a land-line when she's working late to confirm that she is in fact at work?

killinmesoftly posted 4/28/2014 10:58 AM

The billing cycle isn't available for another 3 days so Im in agony waiting. Its so hard bc I do trust my gut and its telling me she is not only texting the OP but seeing them as well. I did call her front desk and asked for her I was told she wasnt there so when I confronted her with that she said they didnt know if she was there or not bc she wasnt in her office. I asked her if she was cheating on me and she got very angry and said how could I ask her such a thing and no she isnt cheating. I guess I can only wait for the bill in 3 days to find out. But if she is stil in contact with the OP when then, my mind says leave but my heart says stay.. Should I end my 4 yr marriage bec she is texting and seeing the OP when I have no proof that they are more than friends even though I told her if makes me uncomfortable and I saw it as emotional cheating?

hummingbird8 posted 4/28/2014 11:03 AM

You should contact her friend and tell her your worries. Maybe together you two can catch them.

killinmesoftly posted 4/28/2014 11:06 AM

I thought about but I need to wait on the actual blk & whits proof bc I think the friend is actually okay with it I think the friend has an open marriage thing going on, its weird. Im thinking of putting a gps on the car.. thoughts?

LifeisCrazy posted 4/28/2014 11:22 AM

There is no need to wait. When she comes home tonight ask her to sit down at the kitchen table with you. When she does you let her know that you are going to ask her to do something - and that if she does anything other than exactly what you ask the result is going to be ugly.

Then tell her that you want to see her phone, right now, no questions asked. Don't give her the opportunity to play with it. Just put your hand out and say, "Hand it to me." If she does, ask her for her password and look.

If there is any refusal, ANY refusal at all - you have your answer. A person with nothing to hide, hides nothing.

What you want to do about it? Well, that's up to you. My recommendation would be for you to be strong and demand absolute accountability, no contact and 100% transparency. Then, together, call the other man's wife and let her know what is happening.

Be prepared to throw her out if she can't face the reality of what she's doing.

yearsofpain25 posted 4/28/2014 11:25 AM

So sorry you are here killinmesoftly. You could put the gps on her car. You could also put a VAR (voice activated reorder) in her car too to capture her side of any conversations that may be taking place. Obviously your gut is telling you what is going on and with good reason.

Why wait for the phone records in 3 days? In addition to what LifeisCrazy just suggested, what about contacting the other person's spouse? Flat our ask them if they have an open marriage type of relationship and explain that you don't. You may find out where they stand on their side of that equation. Thoughts on contacting other person's spouse? Getting this out in the open?

killinmesoftly posted 4/28/2014 11:34 AM

I want to contact her friend but here is the thing we all work for the same company in a hospital, I dont want to cause drama at work bc i feel thats what would happen. I dont care to break anyone else marriage up but I do want to know. I asked her for her phone on Sat bc I went to a class that I was suppose to be in for 8 hrs but I decided to come home early to try and spend time w/ her she wasnt home when I got in and when I called her she said she went to get coffee ( we had coffee) so I said oh ok so are you around the corner (starbucks) she said yes I said ok well see you soon. She text me back and said oh I m not around the corner I went to work to ring a coffee to XXX I said ok but I didnt believe a thing so I asked her for her phone to prove to me that she indeed had exchanges with xxx about coffee... She gave her her phone for about 60 secs then snatched it away. I then told her I was leaving she took the keys and blocked the door saying Im not leaving her and she dont want me to leave blah blah how much she loves me.. Im so confused It is really messing with my head

yearsofpain25 posted 4/28/2014 11:50 AM

So sorry my friend but she's full of sh!t and you know she is. I would confront her tonight. Unfortunately you won't find much, but there are programs out there that will let you get data recovery. Don't know any of the top of my head, but you can get them.

In the mean time to help get your head straight we do have a tool around here called the 180. You can read about it here:

It can be found under BS FAQ here:

And more info under the target thread here:

I would also recommend reading these:

Unfortunately they will not help you short term in a confrontation, but the 180 will help you immediately afterwards. It's designed to help you detach so that you can get your head straight.

As far as workplace politics go, you have your right to not go there. There is a saying around here though that affairs flourish in the dark. If it were me, I would start to expose it with the OP's spouse regardless of workplace politics. If she doesn't come clean, I don't see how she can leave you any option. In fact, if she doesn't come clea I would call the OP's spouse right in front of her to show that you are not bluffing. And don't bluff. You are not f'n around and playing games. She is. The sooner she sees that you are not f'n around, the sooner she's going to have to knock this shit off and come clean. And it she doesn't, 180 for yourself. Not for her. Just my $.02. You have to play hardball or she is going to think you are weak and will continue to try to control the situation and manipulate you.

Tren0R201 posted 4/28/2014 11:53 AM

You're probably at a critical juncture here. You possible have caught this in the early stages but you have to be strong and draw a line in the sand.

I absolutely agree with the other poster, stop treating this like it's some little incident you can tip toe around. You sit her down and tell her the games stop now. Zero tolerance for any lying, blame shifting or trying to minimize what is going on!

You explain to her very seriously this is a one time deal, your line in the sand and severity the answer to the next demand will determine the future of your marriage. She hands over her phone immediately. No questions asked, no excuses or it's over, and I again stress you must be absolutely serious when telling her this, snap her out the fog.

If she has nothing to hide then she gives it up, but of course she probably will, and will buy time so she can delete the messages.

You'll have your evidence when you get the bill. If your line in the sand has been crossed, you leave and you file. Because tip toeing around the issue is only enabling her behavior. The less respect she has for your pleas, the more emboldened she'll be to pursue her affair further

killinmesoftly posted 4/28/2014 12:06 PM

Thank you all for your advice You have all given me lots to think about. I will ask for the phone apparently there is a program that lets you recover deleted text messages and pics from an android so I will ask for the phone and run that program. I feel like i should leave and file if the phone bill shows that she has been texting/calling the OP is this wrong? Am I acting prematurely? Should I try and work it out if thats the case, I love her and want to be with her forever but I cant be with someone who doesn't respect our vows enough not to cheat even if its emotional cheating. So my question is if there is evidence that she is still in contact with the OP do I leave the house and get an apartment or do I move in our basement in hopes of her coming to her senses?

yearsofpain25 posted 4/28/2014 12:19 PM

If you have your evidence, and I believe you already do as far as an EA is concerned, of an EA/PA, you will be in no place to make any decisions right afterwards. Do not expect her to come to her senses. Exepct her to fight you tooth and nail on all of it. My recommendation is that you need to get into a better head space before making any decisions on living arrangements. Don't get ahead of yourself. If you feel the need to sleep in the basement or somewhere other than where you are living now, then be ready to do that for tonight. But take it one day at a time and for now concentrate your energy on tonight. If you do leave after your confrontation, you will show her that you mean business if that's your intention. Read up on the 180 and prepare yourself for detachment so that you can get well. You are hurting now and expect more. Take 1 thing at a time. Think about that for now and possibly getting yourself well afterwards.

You're safe here so keep posting regardless of tonight's outcome. Stay strong brother. Sending strength and courage your way.

happyman64 posted 4/28/2014 16:07 PM


Do not open multiple threads. It gets hard for people to converse with you.

Calm down.

Put a var in her car and I bet in a day or two you will know what is going on.

And if your friends are in an open marriage then good for them. If that turns out to be true just enforce that boundary with your wife that an open marriage is not for you.

But do not get ahead of yourself.

Get tot he bottom of what is going on with your wife and in your own marriage.

Get the phone bill.
Get the var in place.
And track her if you feel you need to.

But do not ever admit to this.

Knowledge is power. Knowledge is control.

So get the knowledge and take control of yourself.


[This message edited by happyman64 at 4:07 PM, April 28th (Monday)]

hummingbird8 posted 4/28/2014 16:28 PM

Are you willing to lose your marriage to possibly save it?

If so tell her to give you her phone and your other list of requirements. If she refuses file for divorce. She doesn't get time to think about it. Knock her off the fence hard. She's either in the marriage or she's not.

She is cheating. Currently. She won't stop unless you make her. She also may not stop ever. But she will never respect you as long as you let her get away with this.

hummingbird8 posted 4/28/2014 16:28 PM

Sorry double post.

[This message edited by hummingbird8 at 4:29 PM, April 28th (Monday)]

wanttogoforward posted 4/28/2014 17:43 PM

Let me tell you what I did.... as a little background my H had an EA... I made a lot of mistakes so here is my advice:

Get a VAR asap- Walmart or anywhere sells them! Hell get more than one- put them in the house where she frequents when you know she will be home.... one in her car.... they will pick up sound if she talks on her cell phone... bedrooms, bathrooms, living room, etc... around $30 each.

Get those cell phone bills- if you have a carrier like Sprint you can register online and some will tell you who they text. I know Sprint only logs the calls and the number of texts... does also log the number of picture messages sent... if you are the carrier or even know the info you can set up monitoring online.

Get a keylogger for the computer or a GPS tracker for on her car- you will know her moves that way.

Dig in that car/ house/purse/ everywhere for anything incriminating- it may still only be an EA- but we all know here that an EA is only a PA waiting to happen :(

Get her cc statement- look to see what she is spending money on... have her habits changed? new lingerie? New perfume? New obsession over something unusual that has never been something she cared about before?

Be careful when you confront- we have ALL made mistakes with this- some confront too soon... some too late and it's already a PA.... some have had the A go underground and get worse. Go into HIGH discovery mode unless you are truly concerned a PA is imminent!

Contact his wife if you can- some spouses will believe you and investigate with you while others will yell at you and deny. You just never know until you contact them.... do it as confidentially as you can... catch her on her way to her car after work- NOT BEFORE! Too traumatizing.... begin by asking if things seem strange in her house- change of habits with her H? etc. I can safely say the spouse of the woman my H had is EA with was good- we talked and compared some notes. That phone call was seriously devastating though because my life was never the same afterwards. I recommend an in person meeting if you can- and take all evidence you have gathered. SHE may have access to phone bills, etc that you may not.

When you do finally confront do not reveal sources- just repeat what you know over and over. Demand that phone, facebook, all passwords, etc..... I was such a wreck I didn't right away and it almost killed me.

Good luck! if you can afford a PI- DO IT!!! Hell, borrow a friends car and follow her.... or get a friend to follow her without you and report back. If there's a will there's a way.

yearsofpain25 posted 4/29/2014 11:41 AM

How are you doing killinmesoftly? How was last night?

wewillmakeit posted 4/29/2014 14:25 PM

If you have kids that live with the two of you in the home, do not move out. It can come back to bite you custody proceedings.

killinmesoftly posted 5/3/2014 13:55 PM

So I got the proof that i need to know that my W has been texting/calling the friend that I asked her not to talk to bec I was uncomfortable with the friendship. My W phone bill reflects that she talks to this person from the time she leaves our house till the time she falls asleep. She text this person from 630 am -11ish PM non stop. Im confused how either of them gets any work completed. I asked my W why she has been lying to me and why she felt the need to cont this friendship.

MY W response was she enjoys talking to this person and she sees nothing wrong with it. My heart is broken bec she has been hiding and lying to me and texting this person even though I told her I felt like she was emotionally cheating with this person.

She said they have a meaningful friendship and she refuses to give it away. She has only known this person 3 weeks. HELP
I dont know how I will ever trust her again and I dont think I can feel like Im second in my w's life to this new friend. Im thinking about moving out asap.

I must admit I didnt handle the situation well, I lashed out when I saw the bill and threw my ring at her and tried to take hers which she refused to I then punched a lamp and our wedding picture. I feel bad for lashing out but I felt so betrayed and hurt..
I need advise bc I love my W but I am unwilling to stay if she cont her friendship with this person. Am I wrong?

confused615 posted 5/3/2014 14:07 PM

She is clearly having at least an EA with her friend's husband. You deserve to know the truth...and so does his wife.

If you want to knock your WW out of her fog, the very best thing you can do is call the BW and tell her. Offer her a copy of the phone records. Chances are, Om will throw your WW under the bus..and that will end her little fantasy world.

His wife deserves to know. If it is uncomfortable for your WW at work because her coworker found out she was having an affair with her husband..boofuckinghoo.

You wouldn't be causing the trouble in someone else's marriage. OM and WW already did that. You would be giving the BW the gift of the truth.

Do not warn your WW that you're going to call his BW..just do it. Then you can tell your WW. If you tell her beforehand, she will warn OM and by the time you talk to his BW she will think you are crazy and jealous.

The best way to end an affair is to expose it.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:10 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]

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