So I am coming to you all on SI.
Im stuck I have this revolving story going around and around in my head. WE are working on my salon we have gotten to the point where 95% of the first mud and taping of the drywall is completed. And I am sliding into meltdown mode.
The simple things like designing my nail desk, picking my colors, even picking a piece of lino, where to set the sink. Its all making me spin. e I can't make any decisions, I am afraid to. I have this big F running in my head.
No choice seems right. I don't know if this is a reflection on our relationship , or my past or our future. I am becoming immobilized. and its starting to get to my BH. He is being very good about it. And not getting angry, but how long will that go.
And that's another thing. After the morning at the gas station, when he ran into the AP EXWife, who could have been the OW and still would be willing, I didn't say anything, and its seemed to change him, he actually smiles and and is bouncy and I have actually made him truly laugh. Its so confusing, maybe I passed a test.?
I don't know I just know I am stuck. I starred at a desk yesterday that my BH dragged out for me to try and help, for 2 hours! and had nothing, no design no picture nothing!. Now I know you don't know this but, Interior decorating is a pssion of mine, its come simple, and I spent hours at it. I haven't touched it in two years. Its gone. The will the creativity, the drive, its gone, I feel like my mind is a blank. I have nothing.
I have to copy pictures, I can't just do it myself. Is that because I don't know me? Is this reflective?
Once again, it was brought to my attention that my"seeing the good in people" is a bad thing or that it makes me stand out to others and not in a good way, and yet when I try to be like others and be sarcastic,or be like my BH and make jokes etc. I feel wrong, the jokes hurt, teasing should be soft funny loving, not to prey on a weakness. And yet I'm told i'm flawed. Yes I see the other side and yes I hope that its lesser evil or bad, but really, Do I really want to see the world as shit!
By the way this isn't a new thought process of my BH.
MAybe there is just so many emotions I am dealing with that I just can't move forward. I am getting angry too. Angry from past marital issues that are still here, and no I haven't discussed them, I think I have to reason out why I can't discuss them. I cheated, and I have these hands that keep wanting to dragged me back down, and there are my eyes that can see daylight and they want to go there and yet, I can't . I can't let go of the strings.
I can't let go of who I've been and what I have done. Its going to drown me if I'm not careful.
I want to cut the ties, I want to snap those hands off me, they make me dirty, worthless, and I want them gone!
I know I have to shake these hands that hold me back.
I just don't know how anymore, All the self talk is just not working.
I guess what I am looking for from you, besides the normal things your IC told you, to be logical, that all people are human, and even when you understand the how and the why, Which I do , what things did you to do or are doing to remove those ropes and hands that drag you down , how did you get rid of them?
This stuff is so hard, and I can hear that you are struggling. Kudos for reaching out to SI for support, especially as circumstances have deprived you of your normal IC sesh.
You're really getting into the thick of the brain rewiring process now and I think it's not unusual to have some of what you have thought of as easy in the past to become a casualty of the mental chaos.
Something that helped me a lot was to try something I have never done at all and learn how to do that thing well. For me it was growing plants. I always killed them before, not intentionally, just through ignorance and neglect. Some time after D-day I found a book in a used bookstore about container gardening and I started trying to grow vegetables. It was the start of a beautiful relationship with plants that continues to this day. The point, though, is that I started working with something where it was okay to not be good at it. I already knew I was a plant killer so anything above that was an improvement and it was good enough. It's been a kind of positive feedback loop for me.
I am saying all this to convey to you that in trying to change your brain you are doing some really heavy lifting. It's okay if the creative part of your brain is just too tired from all the mental reconstruction going on to be functioning at full capacity. Give it a break. You are doing something really hard. If you need to use a picture right now as the basis for the interior design part of getting your business together, it's really okay. You will not always feel this way.
As far as how you get through this, "through" is the really key part of that phrase. You keep going, you reach out for support, you keep challenging your old wiring again and again. The repeated conscious choice to challenge it leads to new thoughts and more wholesome choices and a feeling of being more integrated instead of fractured.
That is the only way I can describe it and I don't think anyone could have described it to me in a way that I got it when I was where you are in the journey. Maybe it has to be experienced to be understood. But I have watched you evolve, Joanh, and I think that even though things feel hella awful to you right now, your struggle shows that you are moving in a good direction even if it's not obvious to you at the moment.
So keep going. I know it's hard. SI is here for thee.
Thoughts of loving kindness to you from this fellow EvolvingSoul.
[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 3:18 PM, April 28th (Monday)]
Digging our way through.
Just hearing from others understanding is very helpful. It helps keep perspective.
Just putting my thoughts out on text seemed to help, and your response was very helpful. I have been trying new things, I think I am putting to much pressure on myself, tobe perfect, old habit!
Not to fail, it was feeling like I was failing at everything yesterday and the day before, feeding some old thoughts.
SO today I am giving myself a break, My BH and I are just working on the seams of the drywall, the first coat is done . Now to wait for it to dry.
Yesterday he came home from an auction and had bought me a old wood cook stove. I had seen it on the listing and we had discuss a few months back that I thought it would be a cool thing to have in our outdoor cookhouse we are making. He surprised me, I didn't think I should ask him to bid on it, but was thinking it might be nice to have. And here he was thinking of me and bought it. And he was uncertain whether I would be happy with it.
So I would say that the night did end with some very positive feelings. I might be the one that's holding us back.
I am trying to work at letting go.
Not sure this makes sense, but its how the day is.
Thanks for checking in,
Once again, it was brought to my attention that my "seeing the good in people" is a bad thing or that it makes me stand out to others and not in a good way
To be clear, BH is saying this? Not that I'm doubting you, not even a little, but have you checked in with yourself and/or BH, to verify that he really is intending to criticize your character?
This may be me projecting, because during my A's (and for months after) I interpreted a lot of things BH said through a negative filter. We've learned in MC, and from some good old-fashioned arguments that have resulted (basically) from me no longer being conflict-avoidant, that we weren't communicating effectively. And a lot of that was on me, especially the "keeping my complaints and feelings to myself" act.
what things did you to do or are doing to remove those ropes and hands that drag you down, how did you get rid of them?
IDK if this is what you mean by the above, but something I've discussed in IC is how the allure of "the high" I got from my affairs has been slow to dissipate. My shrink basically says, "Well yeah, when you're feeling bad, you know a quick, cheap way of temporarily feeling better." Seems obvious when she puts it that way.
What's the solution? To me it boils down to acceptance and/or authenticity. I'm me, and I'm different from BH, and I'm different from the 20 Wrongs he married, but I accept myself today, and I'm gonna be authentic. Now if BH makes a joke or comment that I perceive as an insult, I've started learning to (a) give him the benefit of doubt, and (b) ask him for clarification. Because (c) put a negative spin on it and feel hurt by it...is no longer an option.
Sorry you're having a sucky go of it, and glad to hear your more uplifting update.
The woodstove thing is exciting. I am curious about and a little envious of the outdoor cookhouse you are developing. We rent and can't really put major developments on our property and have little flat space to do so (mountain people) even if we could. BUT I am somewhat interested in the low-tech cooking thing. My grandmother told stories about cooking on such a stove and I've often thought it would be neat to master those techniques. I know she made some freaking amazing food no matter what she was cooking on.
Anyway, good to hear you are hanging in there and making some progress, sister.
Strength and peace to you from this ever EvolvingSoul.
1. Start with one decision. Just pick one. Make it. You don't necessarily have to carry it out, but sit on it. Try out the choice you've made for a day or two. (I also think starting the seems on drywall is a great start!)
2. As far as color scheme is concerned, paint is less than a millimeter thick. If you choose the "wrong" scheme, you can always change it. Also, you've lived with yourself for a long time. What colors tend to draw you? I'm drawn to intensely saturated colors. I like neutrals, but I'm drawn to bright colors. Do you want the look of your salon to stand out, or the work you do within your salon to stand out?
3. Good luck. One choice at a time.
I am trying to put them away so theyare just a part of me, not me. That the guilt, the shame and the hate and the belief I don't deserve good or better than how I had perceived myself before. I want those ropes and hands released from me. My affairs were a reflection on how I saw/see myself. As unworthy , that's all I deserved. I proved to myself that is what Iam worth.
I had no respect for myself. And I am finding I want respect, that I do mean something that I am somebody and I am not stupid, or faulty, I am me.
Not sure if that makes sense, Its been a struggle to find my voice. And I am finally finding things I like about myself.
ITs a hug conflict for me the good and the bad, I want to be good and not a failure.
You are worthy. You are enough. I struggle with shame issues from childhood too, and I know how awful that internal, negative voice can be. My IC calls me out on it all the time. Part of my work is learning to recondition my thoughts from things like "I'm a failure today bc I should be doing x, y, and z" to "I would like to accomplish x, y, and z today, but if I don't, that is okay. It doesn't mean I'm a failure or change my value as a person." Learning to treat yourself with the compassion you extend to others is freaking hard. Keep trying because again--you are worthy.
I'm sorry you missed IC this week. Have you, by chance, read Brene Brown? Her books are all about recognizing and healing from shame, and learning to know that yes, you are enough. They sound like they might be worth looking into for you.
Had IC today, much needed.
The hands that tie me back are not such a bad thing, they just in control which is the bad thing.
We worked on this, as we dug into it, I came to realize or understand its actually trying to protect me. Not to get hurt and to keep me from screwing up. Crazy I know but with holding me back, its a reminder its about trust and reminding me I am not worthy so as long as I stay in this place, I can stay protected detached, already feeling unworthy so nothing can hurt me worse. or make me feel more unworthy.
Now the bad thing is that that little girl who is tryingto stay protected needs to trust in me. The adult who has learnt and knows that to go down this unhealthy pass will kill me the next time, there will be no redemption, no acceptance. And so I will protect her, she is worthy, she is loveable and she can trust. The worst has already happened. I have a voice, I worthy of feeling, of being loved.
I have the right to question, I have the right to be me.
I can use those hands to keep me in check , I can use them for the good, cause they are a warning, or my intuition something is off.
I will partner with them, not fight them anymore.
My C said try walking with them not to run with them or fight it. To have it run parrelle.
Its like hands clasping my heart, They don't need to hold so tight. I know they are there.
I am not sure this anymore sense. But it does to me, I get whats holding me back, fear, trust and shame. And its okay.
I will walk forward, like everyone saysone step at a time. Give back to my BH a strong woman, a strong me, a woman he deserves, a woman he can be proud of. I am proud of me today.
Thank you for listening. I am sorry if I offend anyone or trigger anyone reading my posts. I know this may sound selfish, but I believe this is step in being safer for my family and for me.