SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Michman posted 4/28/2014 11:50 AM

I'm so pissed I'm here. I'm so pissed I'm stuck in limbo dying the death of 1000 cuts. My life has no flavor (other than DD). I'm pissed I can't afford to hire a decent lawyer. I'm pissed it's taking me forever to save for the retainer. I'm pissed I had to use part of that money to pay taxes. I'm pissed I want to D but I don't want to lose time with my DD. I'm pissed that I'm still going to IC and no longer actually "feeling" better when I leave. I'm pissed I'm still living with a person I no longer love. I'm pissed I wasted 6 months hoping for the R and got nothing but continual disrespect, lying, and deception from WS. I'm pissed that my WS has gone to the ultimate manipulation technique of taking a bunch of pills and getting admitted to psychiatric hospital for a week for a new diagnosis of BPD2, and now that she is on new meds, she's "getting help" and that she "chooses me and DD" yee fucking hah. I'm pissed that I am all "going for the D" in my JFO thread but just can't seem to be able too. (see previous reasons I'm pissed)

Through the 180 and detaching, I've become what I do not want to be. Cool, unaffectionate, showing no interest or emotion. Very neutral and even keeled. All my happiness is reserved for myself and my DD. All my anger is reserved for WS and myself.

Anyone have any experience with DIY D in Michigan?

I am asking for the "when did you lose all doubt that filing for D was the best decision?" Or perhaps there really never is at least a shred of doubt in most cases.

give me 2X4s, 4X4s, 2X6s, louisville sluggers whatever you can hit me with, I need out of limbo. 6 months is too long and it is really starting to get to me. So beat the crap out of me.

7yrsflushed posted 4/28/2014 12:23 PM

I never lost all doubt that divorce was the best decision. I never actually wanted to divorce. for me it was the ONLY way out of the disaster that was currently my life WAS to file for divorce. At the time the reality of my shitty situation was much worse than any fear I had of life post D. The only option I had to gain any control of my life again was to file for D. I also had an unremoresful WW that wouldn't file herself.

You get out of limbo when you are ready. If you are ready then get a plan in place and work it.

gypsybird87 posted 4/28/2014 18:54 PM

((michman))

Sorry you find yourself here. It does suck, and you have every right to be pissed off. Life as you know it has been highjacked and totaled by someone you thought you could trust. Damn right you are pissed.

I'm not very good at 2x4s, but here goes. You said this:

I'm pissed I'm still living with a person I no longer love. I'm pissed I wasted 6 months hoping for the R and got nothing but continual disrespect, lying, and deception from WS.

Ask yourself how much more time you are willing to waste. How many more days, weeks, months are you willing to spend tangled up with someone you, in your own words, no longer love?

None of her effort (or lack thereof) towards R, or Oscar-worthy attempts at faking R matter at all, if you are done. If this has killed your love for her then that's it and that's your answer. Don't feel bad about it either. For many an affair is a deal breaker. My XWH didn't want R but I wouldn't have attempted it anyway. His infidelity was a deal breaker for me. In that moment, the man I loved died and a cruel and heartless stranger stood in front of me. Someone I didn't trust, love or even like. It was over.

And so my friend, if its over, then don't give her any more days. No more weeks and months of life that belong to YOU. It sounds harsh when people say "cut your losses and move on" but sometimes that's what you have to do. You didn't kill the marriage, SHE did. But it's up to you how long you want to drag the dead carcass behind you. She's clearly too weak to cut free, you'll have to be the strong one and do it.

DO NOT feel guilty about being the one to file for divorce. She is the one that drove the bus to this ugly point. There is nothing wrong with you saying that you want to get off. I mean really, what other choice are you left with here?

I know it's hard with your DD... we had no kids so I can't help you there. Hopefully some of the wonderful dads here can advise you, and reassure you that it will be okay, and that the time you'll have with your DD after divorcing will be better time, more quality time... because it will be just for the two of you and not muddled up with all this other misery and drama. She deserves that quality time together, and so do you.

I'm not in Michigan either, but we did file a DIY co-petitioner divorce, and it was pretty easy. Sorry I can't be more help on that either.

((michman))

I hope this was some help to you. Sending strength. You'll get through this.

nowiknow23 posted 4/28/2014 21:13 PM

Vent it all out, Michman. You were dealt a bad hand on all this, and you have every right to be pissed.

I did a DIY divorce, although not in MI. The only costs were filing fees, mandatory class fees, and a recording fee when it was finalized. Grand total - under $400. In my state, you have to wait at least 90 days after filing before you can finalize. Our D was final on the 91st day.

Of course, I had a STBX who felt guilty, and I was able to use that to keep him cooperative throughout the process. If he hadn't been cooperative, a DIY wouldn't have been possible.

((((Michman))))

cantaccept posted 4/29/2014 04:51 AM

Michman,

I am doing a diy divorce but not in Michigan either. It is a bit hard, confusing, having to have direct contact is really awful, keeps the pain going, new hurts are pretty consistent.

So far, it has been okay. I have only had 1 court date for temporary orders.

If we can come to an agreement before our next date, June 10th, 90 days after I filed, it will be final. I do not see that happening. He lied on his financials and doesn't think it is fair that he should have to pay for a house he does not live in.

Yup, he thinks life is fair???

He makes 3 times what I do, our house is under water, no equity and the mortgage and title are in my name.

Not sure how this will play out but the next step, if we do not have an agreement is mediation and then a process called, Grand Masters.

The whole thing so far has cost $400. I cannot afford a lawyer. I would take a cheap, bad lawyer over doing this myself but even that is not an option.

I will let you know how it plays out.

When did I know that I had to file, that there was no other choice?

Dday #2 and time. I did not want this, I still had feelings for him (not rational!) When the thought of him touching me made me want to vomit. Time and distance, gaining clarity of what my life has been with him and realizing that I would rather be alone than be married to a man that gives crumbs occassionally but is mostly abusive. When I realized that I have spent the last 12 years trying to avoid triggering his rage. When I realized that I had lost myself.

This is hard, it hurts, it is so very unfair and cruel.

I guess you just have to come to the point where you love and value yourself enough to realize that you really do deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and truth.