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Feeling good about R

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sunvalley posted 4/28/2014 12:45 PM

I definitely have had a ROUGH weekend of dealing with MIL and numerous OW popping out of the woodworks that I thought had long since been addressed. One was our fault for opening the can of worms, I posted on general about her to comply with the rules on here. The other one was an amicable and remorseful conversation where I held to my boundaries but was compassionate. In no way did I expect to hear from her again, and I was firm about NC but the conversation actually alleviated some fears and concerns I had and while I accepted her apology and was kind to her I stood my ground about how I felt...yeah me!

What I want to say though, because it seems like all I ever do is complain lol, is that finally this weekend I felt like H and I are a TEAM in this 100%. He has been so remorseful and done everything right, and I know he doesn't want to ever go down this path again, but there have been times where things happen and we end up in a fight or they create more tension between us. This was the first time I felt like I was able to put the focus of my emotions and blame on him aside and say 'you know what, we are not going to let them do this to us'. I still told him I was angry at him for bringing these people into our world, I still told him how disappointed and hurt I was by MIL being so caught up in herself to not want to help her son and blame me instead. But for the first time it felt like everything that came our way we tackled together. And I realized that was mostly MY doing. He didn't change what he is doing, it was me. I needed to stop putting up the wall. I needed to stop letting my anger come out on him and truly allow him to help me. I never realized before how much of an obstacle I was to our healing. I have not said any of this to him yet, I may wait til MC because I don't want it used against me the next time I get mad at him for something HE did.

I realize that I have a right to my emotions and he needs to be supportive, we are definitely working hard on all of that. But this weekend it wasn't him hurting me further, it was them and I would have normally focused my anger on him because he allowed them access to his life. This was the first time I was able to see that all he wants is his M at any cost. He has always wanted the M and thought the world of me, I know these issues were his, not ours and none of the OW meant a thing to him. That helps, but it doesn't undo the pain he caused. He was proud of me this weekend for how I stood up to the one who phoned me, yet stayed true to myself by being compassionate towards her. When I lost it about the 2nd OW that contacted this weekend saying horrific things about me, after I cried and screamed a little I said to him ' they will not get to us, they will not have us turn on each other' and we brought it back from what could have been a massive fight to cuddling and even joking about the attempt to make me out as a bad person. And with MIL, he said very firmly 'I'm going to have to have a hard talk with her again soon'. It just really felt like we are here to support each other through this. I know there will be times where my feelings about that change, as I go through the rollercoaster, but right now I am feeling this closeness and teamwork in us again, even if I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything that's been thrown at us (and admittedly some of it we brought on ourselves) this weekend. I know he's been proving himself to me time and again, but the team aspect of it all really drove home this sense that we can make it if we keep trying.

Skan posted 4/28/2014 17:47 PM

I hope that you two keep on with the team-building! Good for you, for standing up for what your boundaries needed to be and also letting him in and being open. I'm glad for the two of you!

blakesteele posted 4/29/2014 12:35 PM

Good thoughts and choices sunvalley.

Comforting to hear about mr sunvalley stepping up too.

Keep posting. Keep reaching out.


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