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Newest Member: BrnEyes777 (45750)

User Topic: things keep getting worse..dont know what to think
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not been on FB since shortly after Dday when I deleted my account. My BH still has his account, but I never look at it.

I looked at it today (used a friends phone and looked at his profile). There are barely any pics of me on his account except for old ones and there is no mention of me anywhere....his profile used to say we were married but when I deleted my account that changed. But looking at his profile now it gives no indication that he is married.

There were also several comments between him and another woman...she is 9 years younger and he worked with her at his old job. All the conversations bw them were very flirtatious; there were lots of smiley faces, a couple I love yous, and he commented about stopping by at her work one night to see her. In another comment she asked when she would see him again and he said he would text her so they could figure it out.

I was at work when I saw all this, but I immediately panicked and came home so I could talk to him before he left for work for the night.

He said the conversations meant nothing and they were just friends and were kidding around. He said everyone at their job (and in their field) talks like that to each other and it means nothing. He also said that when she first began working there there were rumors that he was sleeping with her....which he also says is common at his old job.

We talked for a bit before he went to work; me sobbing hysterically and him standing up and talking to me. I feel awful for accusing him of anything, especially cuz I am the one who had an A and ruined us in the first place. The panic I felt when I first read the messages was probably nothing compared to what he felt on the first Dday, and I still hate myself for causing him that much pain and sorrow.

He let me go through his phone when I got home, and I didnt find anything from her at all.

I am so scared to lose him, and still cannot believe how stupid I was to risk it all.

I am so mentally exhausted now from all the crying, and need to rest so I will be ok when I get DD from school.

Any thoughts or advice are welcome....I just basically had to vent.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Joanh
♀ 39146
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

really, everyone at work does this, when will I see you next , Ill make it work? Call her and find out,

Sorry but unacceptable behavior. Remember. You are worth it.

As I have been told. Yes you cheated, and no minimizing it, you are owning it. You are worthy.

He can feel like shit and he's eating a shit sandwich, but its his choice on how to proceed and what he does. He would not find it acceptable to talk to a male worker even before your affair , my guess. It goes both ways.

I would phone her and find out. Especially if it doesn't stop. I know its scarey and you really don't want to know. I've heard it I've thought , its easier not knowing. But is it not going to drive you crazy, does it not smell like things you did to cover up or make your affair work?


I could be totally wrong. But a simple boundary of flirting should not be acceptable to you either.

Sorry this triggers me hard.

I am sorry you are having to go through this:-(


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
cliffside
♀ 38803
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Alyssa,
I hope it's ok if I gently put this out there... I wrote a long winded response to your other post last night and didn't post it but here is the just of it...

You're BH behavior and attitude is eerily like my Wayward husband's. The groping, the making decisions on stuff like Cape Cod and not even telling you, etc. I fear he may be straying and using your A to blame shift and gaslight you. I pray I'm wrong. Going to pick my DD up and will post back later. Feel free to PM me as well.

Hugs to you...


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Mar 2013
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were also several comments between him and another woman...she is 9 years younger and he worked with her at his old job. All the conversations bw them were very flirtatious; there were lots of smiley faces, a couple I love yous, and he commented about stopping by at her work one night to see her. In another comment she asked when she would see him again and he said he would text her so they could figure it out.
REALLY????? And this means "NOTHING"??? I call BULLSHIT and I think you want to call it too but you feel that your A negates your position and therefore, you won't really push it. I get it but I don't agree. She wanted to see him AGAIN?? That means he'd seen her before and by the looks of the convo, he was planning on seeing her again.
He said the conversations meant nothing and they were just friends and were kidding around. He said everyone at their job (and in their field) talks like that to each other and it means nothing. He also said that when she first began working there there were rumors that he was sleeping with her
It doesn't matter that "everyone does it" - it's inappropriate and WRONG. Geez, does he work with a bunch of inappropriate people who have no boundaries, himself included? Your A has no bearing on his decision to continuously engage in a very inappropriate conversation with this woman. And when did it become common to tell your co-worker ILY, not just once but repeatedly????

I'm sorry hon, but your H has some of his own skeletons. Your A doesn't absolve him of any of his past transgressions. You deserve the truth just as he does. I think it's time you demanded it. (((Alyssamd24)

ETA:

I fear he may be straying and using your A to blame shift and gaslight you.

DITTO. I honestly believe he cheated well before you did and now that you've come clean, he has all the ammo he needs to get away with it. You owe it to yourself to NOT allow this. You are worthy of the truth.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 1:52 PM, April 28th (Monday)]


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6028 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
annb
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said everyone at their job (and in their field) talks like that to each other and it means nothing

^^^This may very well be, but your BS DOES NOT have to engage in this behavior, it is crossing boundaries, and he should know what good boundaries are after having gone through infidelity. Married men don't flirt, it is the beginning of sliding down the slippery slope.

At minimum, IMO this is an EA. I'd ask for access to everything.

I'd also have him send her a NC letter pronto. It sounds like they might have met up already based on what you are saying?

I'd dig further and try to get to the truth. Red flags here, esp. when he says that it was a "rumor" that he was sleeping with her. His/her behavior must have been obvious to other co-workers.

(((Alyssamd24))))

[This message edited by annb at 1:50 PM, April 28th (Monday)]


Posts: 7632 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything that MJ just said. You are going to have to determine your boundaries and stick to them. You do have the right to have your H respect the fact that he is still M. If he doesn't want to do that, then he needs to let you know.

Believe me, I know exactly how hard this is. Big hugs.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone in my old job flirted and acted inappropriately as well. Lots of drinking and drunken after work parties. If I had the mindset i have now when I was there its likely I would be looked at as the spoilsport because I would not have been involved. Your BH is exhibiting wayward behaviors. I know what this is like Alyssa. I k ow what it is to find the convos and think I dont deserve to confront. I had my dday here on SI. If I could find that thread I'd send it to you so you could see how confused and hurt I was. I was posting as I was discovering and it hurt so bad.

Your A does not negate your position as his wife. If he wants to reconcile there needs to be some level of respect on both sides regarding infidelity. I truly hope he is not doing anything but gently I dont think thats the case. It sounds like he is either building up to something or is already involved. His reaction is unapologetic because he is using your A as justification. Remember there is NO reason good enough for an A, none.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2802 | Registered: Oct 2012
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the responses. I should mention that the part when she asked when will I see you again meant she wanted to know when he would stop by his old work again.

I don't know what to think. He told me that if he wanted to be with anyone else he wouldn't be trying with me. That even though I fucked him over he still loves me.

He has never given me a reason not to believe him. So I want to believe him now.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me that if he wanted to be with anyone else he wouldn't be trying with me. That even though I fucked him over he still loves me.

I am not saying that your H is cheating. I will say that HL said almost the same thing as that right there when I was busing him in his last EA. I had the proof in my hands and he was lying to me outright.

Be careful. Know your boundaries and don't think that you have to put up with him behaving like this because of what you did.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with TG. He kissed me goodbye and too me he loved me while he spoke to this other woman. Red flags are red flags. If it means notbing going NC should be a cinch right?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2802 | Registered: Oct 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a couple I love yous, and he commented about stopping by at her work one night to see her. In another comment she asked when she would see him again and he said he would text her so they could figure it out.

((Alyssa))

I almost started hyperventilating when I read that, and TBH couldn't make it through the rest of the post because I was so and (Emotions are a bitch sometimes.)

I'm not saying he's lying, or cheating, or anything. But I totally get how you panicked, and you have every right to be concerned about this.

Nothing justifies infidelity. Not even you cheating first.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep thinking about this. What the fuck is he telling another woman I love you!?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2802 | Registered: Oct 2012
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What the fuck is he telling another woman I love you!?
That's the part I cannot move beyond. The ILY's to another woman who is not his wife. Then to dismiss it by calling it a joke. Saying ILY to another woman is not a joke. That's the part that has my spidey senses going bananas.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6028 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
somethingremorse
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot know what is going on in the mind of any particular person. But I think the "everyone around me behaves like this" explanation is crap. If my 11 or 12 year olds told me that, I wouldn't accept it from them. Doubly for an adult.

Even in the most "out there" jobs I can think of (I'm thinking of outside sales people I know who spend LOTS of time, um, entertaining -- no offense) you can make some boundaries. At worst, they might be a little more subtle, but they can still exist. I find most people communicate to you in with the language that you use towards them. If it really is innocent, and if your BS "tones down" his talk a bit, I bet the other side will subliminally do the same.

It is just easier to go along with the way that everyone else talks and acts. But those "I'll stand out and never get ahead" statements are almost always overblown.

And if it isn't nothing, other commentators have covered that.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Wayflost
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just for arguments sake... I deleted all my texts between me and APs. That is a HUGE red flag to me that now there is nothing on his phone. It may be that it was an emotional affair, it may be that it's right on the edge of it.

The behavior, affair or not, reeks of unhealthy boundaries. Maybe he should delete FB as well. You have the right to demand complete transparency. Look through his FB messages. I'd be willing to bet they chatted up a storm there.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 496 | Registered: Dec 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What the fuck is he telling another woman I love you!?


These were all conversations I saw on either his page or her page. ..she posted a thing on his page that said "I love you" and then tagged his name. On another conversation he said "I love you pickle".

The thing that gets me is these are all comments other people can see....the friend whose fb I used isnt even his friend and I was able to see it.....he and I have mutual friends who must see it also.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
cliffside
♀ 38803
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am SO angry for you. I have a spokeo acct and Facebook. PM me if you need any investigative tips/help. Gather as much info as possible before you confront. Also, I'm in MA too.

Whatever he is doing, it's totally inappropriate. We're here to help, just know that. As a BW I've been watching you put in the effort. This is NOT OK.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know in your gut that this isn't right.

Do not let him gaslight his way around this.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has never given me a reason not to believe him.

I may be mistaken but weren't there some serious RA behaviors and suspicions when you first came here?


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
wifehad5
♂ 15162
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this the same person he was spending time with while you were separated?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37627 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
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