"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

KJac posted 4/28/2014 17:55 PM

I am trying very hard not to lose my shit. I'm stressed beyond belief. Working 2 jobs (full time day and 3-4 evenings a week) and raising 4 kids COMPLETELY by MYSELF. The POS manages to treat them to a meal about once every three weeks and gives DS17 a ride occasionally (which I recently found out often comes w/a rant to his own son about how its "bullshit" that he has to give him a ride HOME FROM SCHOOL because he should just get one from his brothers (one often works after school and the other goes to a weight-training program) and THAT IS THE EXTENT OF HIS PARENTING. In the meantime he is busy screwing some gal who just turned 21 (he turned 40 last week) who also happens to be the friend of our former babysitter (her parents are good family friends of ours and this girl was like a daughter to us - needless to say she is mortified). This POS who could NEVER EVER take a weekend off from work to go anywhere w/his family has now been out of town 3 entire weekends in the last 2 months and doesn't even let his kids know where he is (they told me he just texts them that he'll be out of town from x day to x day but they can still call him if they need anything... AND IF THEY DO HE WOULD DO WHAT???) This also leaves me to run kids around ALL WEEKEND in between my work shifts, doing laundry, paying bills, shoveling mess out of the house, etc., etc., etc...

I have also learned (or I should say, had it confirmed, as I knew he'd be doing the old "smear campaign" as he has told me TO MY FACE about lies he told about me in the past) that he has told people I was fooling around on him

Finally, he is harassing my SIL and she and my bros small children - he has cornered her at the gas station on 2 separate occasions now and even went so far as to tell my 4yr. old nephew he's his uncle!!! This POS never gave two shits about these kids before. He has stayed pretty clear of my brother and his wife always as he tried to sleep w/my brother's first wife. Yes, he tried to pin my former SIL against a wall after kicking OUR children outside to play when he went to pick them up after she'd watched them one summer day when I was working about 10 years ago. Needless to say my brother is LIVID but SIL does NOT want me to say ANYTHING to the POS as she figures this is exactly what he wants - to get a reaction from me as the NC is driving him nuts.

Finally, the POS has been calling, leaving voicemail, and texting me repeatedly for the last week or so. About anything and everything. Most of it NONSENSE that I have already answered in the past. I keep ignoring him - have only answered, very briefly 2x. But it is getting to me. Please talk me of the ledge peeps because I feel like I'm going to EXPLODE!!

Let me just also add my oldest son is graduating in May so I am also trying to get open house, announcements, and all that shit organized too. And did I mention I'm moving at the end of June?? Oh, and it's been raining here for 3 days and got home from work today to find water pouring through the fan in my bathroom!!

Ok. End rant. At least for now. Thanks to all who stuck w/me this far as I know this is long

Williesmom posted 4/28/2014 17:59 PM

((Kjac))

I'm sorry. When it rains, it pours. It will get better. Ignore his ass.

StillLivin posted 4/28/2014 18:19 PM

Oh KJac, I understand some of your pain, going through some chaos myself. No real advice, cuz you already know what to do, you just needed to rant about it somewhere....but lots and lots of (((HUGS))).

Gemini71 posted 4/28/2014 18:22 PM

Keep up the good work! Sounds like the crickets are driving him crazy.

Your Bro and SIL may want to take out an RO on him. Too bad you can't ban the POS from DS's graduation.

nowiknow23 posted 4/28/2014 18:26 PM

((((KJac)))) What if you actually DID lose it? What if you found somewhere safe and gave yourself an hour or 10 minutes or whatever, and gave yourself complete license to lose your ever loving mind? Rant, kick, scream, break things and otherwise vent the building pressure. Would that be possible?

I'm sending you tons of strength, because this shit will bring you to your knees. And I'm sending you mojo to get a freaking break already!

Also? FTG!!!!

Kajem posted 4/28/2014 18:38 PM

I second NIKs advice.

The BEST thing I ever did was take a friends advice to get a pinching buddy. Every time XH pissed me off I let loose on that thing.

Before that I was beating tree trunks with a nerf bat ( I didn't want to hurt the trees) I broke the bat and switched to pool noodles!

Seriously I've never been a violent person, I needed some way to release the rage. The pressure had me jumping at people for small things. It was causing my personality to change. The worst part of it - I was resembling the person he was telling everyone I was.

I couldn't let it go, I had to let it out in order to let it go.

Hugs

K

nowiknow23 posted 4/28/2014 18:48 PM

My favorite steam vent was at the recycling center. Especially at the glass bin. I would wind up and SMASH those salsa jars with everything I had. SOOO satisfying!

I would also rip my cardboard to shreds rather than just flattening it. I was all about saving space in the recycle bin.

When I couldn't get to the recycling center, I used to beat the crap out of the mattress. And I also would "fluff" the couch pillows rather vigorously on a regular basis.

caregiver9000 posted 4/28/2014 19:35 PM

(((hugs))) gently in case you are covered in glass shards....

Tripletrouble posted 4/28/2014 20:03 PM

Sounds overwhelming. Scream into a pillow at the very least, and carve out a few minutes to do something however small for yourself. You really have a lot on your plate.

courageous posted 4/28/2014 20:49 PM

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you have a huge amount on your plate. ((Kjac)).

FTC! Don't give him the satisfaction that he is getting to you. He is such an ass!

I hear physical exertion works wonders. I would get a broom and sweep the driveway over and over again until I was worn out. Pushing bags are great too.

Is there anyone who can help you out? With anything?

KJac posted 4/28/2014 21:24 PM

Thank you all for your replies and support!!

Williesmom: Ha am I correct to assume the pun was intended?? Cause it was definitely pouring rain in my bathroom - however, on a positive note it got me out of an obligation to go to a board meeting tonight so I could also catch up on some laundry!! (You made me grin - thanks) - I will continue to ignore his ass because I have learned the truth for me has always held true NC = No New Hurts + BONUS: it is clearly driving him nuts

StillLivin: Thanks for hearing and understanding my need to rant/vent and for the hugs - back atcha ((((hugs)))) for whatever chaos you are also experiencing...

Gemini: I worry about my bro as he has struggled w/his temper/anger and is in such a good place right now I DO NOT WANT him to do something stupid but so far he's also gone NC w/my STBXPOS - SIL on the other hand is a SPITFIRE and can absolutely hold her own - if Cpt. Dumbass continues I have the utmost confidence she'll "handle" him appropriately - did I mention what a smart/crafty/clever gal my SIL is?? If he keeps it up her reaction is bound to be quite entertaining... Oh how I wish I could ban him from graduation but this NPD ass is surely not going to be kept from a moment to "shine" as father-of-the-year at a public event. However, I am hosting my own separate open-house after graduation which is also pissing him off. Since informing him he is free to make his own plans with/for DS and his family (none of them speak to me in spite of being part of their family for the last 20 years but really lord only knows what they've been told and really the POS is a product of his environment so for most of his fam it's really no big loss to me as they are quite f*cked up anyway) - anyhoo... he is very angry and pissy and I have received NUMEROUS texts asking me to just invite his family, he'll pay for half, he won't come, etc., etc., etc. Then the guilt texts... i.e. how can you do this to DS, this is supposed to be about him, not us, blah, blah, blah I've talked w/DS about this, he's fine. POS just wants me to do all the work, look like the bitch, and he can tell everyone how he paid for party and then mean old bitchy me wouldn't even let him come well sorry, I'm done playing that game. I'll have my party, you have your own (and no, I won't be your personal assistant/event planner/scapegoat/whatever - you FIRED ME - remember??) It's called DIVORCE. Welcome to reality douchebag. - Sorry, guess more venting was needed there

NIK and Kajem: I nearly cried reading your responses... I REALLY REALLY need to find an outlet for my stress/anger/hurt/rage. Thank you for your suggestions - I will be finding something to DESTROY before I explode. (I've got a few ideas in mind and will definitely keep you posted on the funnins' )

Caregiver and Tripletrouble: Thank you too for your support and hugs - no glass shards yet but coming soon to a theater near you... (ok, not near you but you get my drift )

And finally, made some tuna melts for a quick supper tonight and then spent an hour visiting/"bullshitting" with my amazing kiddos in the kitchen while I cooked (ha) and we ate. And I thought to myself this message to the POS "This is what you miss out on you selfish fucking loser. You chose/choose a variety of worthless whores to try and fill your giant hole in your soul over these beautiful amazing young people we created. How sad for you. Cause they are truly wonderful and I am truly blessed and you are unbelievably stupid. And truly pathetic."

KJac posted 4/28/2014 22:07 PM

@ Courageous: I do have people IRL who are very supportive and have offered help. The problem is I have trouble accepting it most of the time as my STBX did a fantastic job of isolating me. Or probably a better way to put it he convinced me to isolate myself? When he and I were first together and our children were young I had a fabulous support system of family and close friends. After Dday #1 he convinced me that I leaned on these people too much and I should be more independent. Even typing that now I can see the complete and utter ridiculousness of it. These are people who welcomed him with open arms. Good people who supported us/me and my choices regardless of how much they knew my choices were probably not in my best interests - i.e. they could see what an abusive piece of shit he was and he knew it so he made sure to distance me from them - but knew I was actually a very independent/strong person so he had to somehow make it my "decision" my "choice". Oh he is such a MASTER manipulator. And can be oh so charming it's scary. Can you tell I've had lots of IC over the years? Yup, I was always trying to fix ME. Cause ya know that's where the problem was. So, anyway, I'm working on letting people help me. My mom is great but remarried a couple of years ago (to a fabulous man I must add) and he has 3 kids + grandkids that all live out of state so they travel frequently and I don't want to interfere. However, I really need her sometimes so I need to learn to tell her because she really is helpful and just fantastic when I ask. She's also the one who has gotten my 3am hysterical phone calls when I'm coming apart and can't sleep. I also have a pretty extended group of girls I've been friends w/since grade school and they are ALWAYS wanting/offering to help and I am trying to start accepting it. Because I really need it. But it's hard because POS convinced me if I needed help (they were all there for me when my kids were little - we were all so close)then I was somehow weak. Or "turning away from him". Nevermind how he did NOTHING to help w/kids or house and was never home and having MULTIPLE AFFAIRS. I just cannot believe how long and how much of his crazy ass abusive behavior I put up with. *sigh*

coldshot posted 4/29/2014 05:51 AM

"This is what you miss out on you selfish fucking loser. You chose/choose a variety of worthless whores to try and fill your giant hole in your soul over these beautiful amazing young people we created. How sad for you. Cause they are truly wonderful and I am truly blessed and you are unbelievably stupid. And truly pathetic."

Kjac,
Thank God your kids have you! You are a great mom, I admire you. Your quote is perfect and succinct.

jackie89 posted 4/29/2014 08:18 AM

Kjac I think you are amazing, I really admire your strength and still have a great sense of humor and appreciation for all that you have in spite of all your struggles of doing it all on your own.

I totally understand where you are coming from in regards to asking for help from friends IRL, it's hard, we've just been doing it all for sooooo long all by ourselves. But learn to ask for help, maybe just once a week.

(((Kjac))))