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So, I know I did not make him cheat. I know that probably even if I had been the perfect wife, he likely would have cheated because he needs thrill and excitement in his life and let's face it, that does not usually describe any marriage. But still-- I really regret some of my behaviors in the marriage. I regret my responses to many of his (benign) actions. I regret my harsh words. I regret some of the parenting choices I made in terms of enforcing my will over his, although to be fair, I never regret making him use the car seats (a sometimes point of contention between us). I regret being unkind and unpleasant. When I thought we were working on R, I was trying really hard to improve these aspects of myself and was really hoping for a "do-over", something which he himself said he wanted (all the whilst still with OW). Do others struggle with these feelings as well? I also think that probably not too deep down, because of these feelings, I actually do still blame myself for his affairs, even though I know in the intellectual sense that it's not true.

I have a mixture of regret and shame. I'm ashamed that I let him back me up against the wall and tell me I wasn't good enough because I wasn't perfect, and that I believed him. And I regret I spent so much time trying to be perfect and do everything just as he wanted thinking that if I got it right, then he'd stop fucking other women.

But I also know that I'm a decent person. That I was loyal, faithful and true. And that all of that matters more than the fact that I would cry when someone was mean to me, snap at xWH when he was a selfish dick to me, or whatever supposed horrific transgression I committed.

Be kind to yourself LC. You were good enough then, and now having lost what? 180#'s of deadweight, you're even better

We are all human. At least you have regret and are working on you. He still should not have cheated as you know. It is devastating and a character flaw. Yes mistakes happen , but he could also admit his contribution to the chaos in the marriage.

You are not alone.

While you may not have been the wife you think you should have been, he shouldn't have been the weak, sneaky, dishonest cheater that he is.

If you aren't happy with your spouse, then for goodness sake either open your mouth and express what you are unhappy about or throw in the towel and file for divorce.

The bottom line is you don't start another relationship until you've ended the one you are in.