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RomanticInnocenc posted 4/28/2014 22:35 PM

I'm afraid of offending some people with this post so I just want to preface it with this- everyone's journey is different and how one copes with their pain is simply how one copes. This post isn't about judgement, it is simply about a need to know if it has to be this way.

Ok... So since I found SI, which has been a blessing, I have also found an extreme amount of pain. The things that people do to each other whilst holding onto the idea of loving their spouses is incomprehensible to me. My one thing in life, my one over riding goal has always been to find love, cherish it and live for it. Yes I may be a hopeless romantic but that is me. My WH stomped all over that which in turn led me here, to a bunch of very wise, experienced and at times desperately afraid people, with good reason, who have so far helped me get through some very tough days.

I guess the reason for this post though is, does this experience really have to define our lives like I keep finding it does on here. It breaks my heart to read people still feeling as I do 1, 2, 3 or even more years down the track. I know this question may come from ignorance and as above this is not a judgement on people who are still feeling shell shocked years later. But does it have to be that way? If our WS are doing everything thing they can, isn't it just about choices for us BS. Is it that we are just too scared to make choices after dday, to stand by them in the face of maybe being wrong and humiliated again? As far as I see it currently, and this is the reason for this post to perhaps get some perspective from people with far more experience then I, we as BS have a bunch of choices to make once our WS have shown that they are capable of change.

*do i want to stay in this marriage/relationship?
*do I accept that if he cheats again that I share some of the responsibility for the pain I would then be in?
*do I want to live a life with no vulnerability so that I will therefore be protected, or do I want to experience love and the horrible dips and amazing Heights it has to offer?
*am I going to live my life in fear of things completely out of my control or work towards creating a life that I desire and deserve?

I'm sure there are many more choices but these are the ones rolling around in my head right now. I believe these choices apply to people who stay and who leave. Don't get me wrong I'm only on the path to beginning to make these choices and cement them as I feel safer, I am just so afraid of still feeling like this in years to come, I can't imagine living this way for the next however many years. I'm hoping someone can say, it doesn't have to be that way when it seems like the exception to the rule here.

rachelc posted 4/29/2014 05:34 AM

still feeling shell shocked years later. But does it have to be that way? If our WS are doing everything thing they can,

I've been here 4 years and I rarely see this. It's the WS NOT doing everything they can that leaves their BS a little stuck.

*do I accept that if he cheats again that I share some of the responsibility for the pain I would then be in?

don't understand this.. how is it different than if he cheats the first time?

confused615 posted 4/29/2014 05:57 AM

Many have WS who are not doing everything they can..or they start out like they are..and they do...then they *don't.* So some of those members who are still in pain years after dday, are not shell shocked..just still in pain. It's not bad enough to leave, but hard to stay.

My dday was almost 3 years ago. I was in shock for 6 months. Then WH wanted to rugsweep..I hit the rage stage...and held tight...then another dday of sorts occurred at 2.5 years out from dday..more lies...TT...I was going to leave..he woke up..polygraph, IC, no more rugsweeping...

So, as you see, R is one step forward, and sometimes many steps back. It isn't one straight forward path to healing.

Also..if I stay..and he cheats again...I have no responsibility in that choice..just like the first time..it's all on him.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:58 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]

LdyD posted 4/29/2014 10:14 AM

I understand what you're saying. Your D-days are pretty close to mine. I sometimes feel discouraged when I see sad posts from those 1, 2, 3+ years post d-day still struggling. But like a few have said, it does seem that those posts are about WS's that aren't putting in their 100% towards R. I try to remember that every person and every relationship is different. Although I would love for the pain to be gone yesterday! I realize that if I don't allow myself to take the time to properly heal that our M will fall back into the unhealthy M pre A (still trying to figure out how to do this).

Before anyone thinks that I'm blaming myself for the A, I'm not! The A was my WH's choice and he's working on fixing what was broken inside himself that allowed the A to be an option in his mind.

I have underlying FOO issues that I need to fix as well to help build a true R and healthy M. It takes 100% from both partners.

RipsInMyChest posted 4/29/2014 10:47 AM

I had an "epiphany" a couple of weeks after DDay...that I would free myself of the pain because I would refuse to view my H through the lens of one night. Haha! 6 months of shock, 3 months of rage, then 9 months of roller coaster emotions. It is slowly leveling out.

Many come here in the beginning and feel the way you do. I did...lots of judging about people who are "dwelling in sadness". I don't judge any more. You feel what you feel for as long as you need to feel it. I realize that I need to "wallow" to process and get rid of these feelings. To deny them and rugssweep in an effort to let go, move on, and be healthy is completely the wrong answer. You can't heal what you don't feel.

Be patient and kind with yourself and others. This process is not linear nor is it pretty. And it is certainly not like you think it will be in the beginning.

RipsInMyChest posted 4/29/2014 11:04 AM

I do want to point out that people come here to get support when they are hurting...So the picture of R is skewed to the negative.

My H and I have many beautiful days where we connect in ways we never did before, have deeper intimacy and understanding of one another. He is still my best friend and we love to spend time together. But every once in a while we have a really rough day....sadness, rage, and grief over what we have lost and how we have changed.

The good far outweighs the bad now...and getting better all the time.

RomanticInnocenc posted 4/29/2014 17:58 PM

Thanks for the replies everyone. I obviously haven't made myself as clear as I would have liked so I'll just fix some things-

Rachelc - I did mean this post to be about couples in which the WS WAS doing everything. I completely agree that if they are not the BS are likely to find themselves stuck! About the cheating, what I meant was, not do I accept responsibility for his choice to do it again, no one should. But do I accept that if he does it again, that I need to accept some of the responsibility for the PAIN I'll be in. I think we do, just my honest opinion. If I choose to stay and he does it again, then I made the choice to stay knowing what I know about him. I'm not a victim, I made a decision. Please don't confuse this with acceptance or saying I can't be angry, upset, sad and all the emotions from the original betrayal, just that I share some of the responsibility for my pain! I hope that makes sense.

Confused- I've mentioned some things above to rachelc that I would have wrote to you too. Just wanted to agree with you that R is not linear and thank you for the reminder. I also kind of meant shell shocked as a synonym for pain, that was me being unclear. I was trying to think of a word that encompassed a lot of different emotions. Didn't quite hit the nail on the head!

LdyD - Sounds as though we are in similar places. I hope our WS really get the gravity of their actions and we can move through R with men who are willing to give us their all!

RIMC- thanks for your post. I was trying hard to not appear to be judging anyone. Everyone's journey is so different and people deal with pain in many different ways over many different time lines. I certainly do not want to adopt the ideology that after a certain amount of time people should just get over it. I know I'm not going to be able to do that. Even if my wacky idea about making choices was possible, I know that I would still have bad says, times, affair season especially would be hard. I guess maybe what I'm fumbling around with the idea of, is if we can make those choices though, stand firm with them, that they can also be a comfort during the difficult times! Not to say one can't change their mind either!
I also agree with you RIMC that people do come here for help so often the R stories are skewed for the negative!

Anyway, a very long post. I guess what I'm trying to find is a way to make this journey as short as possible whilst not rug sweeping. Wishful thinking perhaps?