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Newest Member: Thankful (46008)

User Topic: Fee Shower
Gottagetthrough
27325
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got an invitation to a Fee Shower. My Sister in Law had one of these over 10 years ago, and I was really taken aback. Her mom threw it, and before I knew that it was a money only shower, I told my MIL what I was buying for SIL.

MIL told me to take my gift back, that they only wanted money. (A few days later I received the invite with "Fee Shower" on it)

This Fee Shower I'm invited to now is MIL's goddaughter. I thought the term fee shower was just something MIL invented for her own daughter, but it looks like this other woman is having one, too.

Have you all heard of these. I am from a different region of the US than MIL, and I'm wondering if this is a regional thing. I am not close to the bride (location wise or emotional closeness) So my guess is that they invited every woman who is invited to the wedding to the shower. (its a big wedding, so probably 150 women are invited to the fee shower)

Where I live, bridal showers are your friends getting together, giving you a blender or lingerie, and laughing and eating. Curious if this is a regional thing.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 1:37 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Jan 2010
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at an age where all of my friends have been married for years so I haven't been to a bridal shower in a long time. I have never heard of a Fee Shower though. I have the same reaction as you - sort of an "um ...... Ok" reaction.

To me, the wedding is when you usually give a money gift so the couple can have a bit to start a nest egg or to pay for a honeymoon or buy furniture for their new place, etc. The shower is to give an actual gift that the bride can use in setting up her new home.

I know the lines get blurred if the couple has been living together for a while and they already have all of that stuff. But, to me, that's the fun of it. I like to pick out a gift that I think they will like and use. I like to see the other gifts too. It's not a whole lot of fun if the bride just has a bunch of envelopes full of cash.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2905 | Registered: Jan 2011
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard of them. Usually from people who already live together and are finally tying the knot. They dont need the traditional gifts because technically their home is already set up so they use the money for their honeymoon or to pay off wedding expenses. I've never been to one but I know they exist.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2810 | Registered: Oct 2012
happenedtome
♀ 6042
Member # 6042
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss the days where lingerie and blenders were the norm and appreciated. I find solicitations for cash and outrageously expensive gifts gauche. Back in the day, shower and wedding gifts were meant to help a young couple start their lives together. My H's niece, who had been living with her boyfriend for at least 5 years, had a big wedding and was registered at a store where her list had only one item under $100 and the highest item was an $800 soup pot. If you didn't want to pony up for one of those gifts, she also had a Honey fund so you could help pay for their very upscale tropical honeymoon. They took 2 honeymoons, a "mini moon" trip right after the wedding and then the biggie 2 months later. We got them a gift that was not on the list and received a sarcastic thank you card saying our gift was "generous and unnecessary." If someone wants to give cash, I think that's perfectly acceptable, but I think it is really tacky to put your hand out and say, "Cash, please."

Posts: 239 | Registered: Dec 2004
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my neck of the woods they are called greenback showers .

I think they are tacky.

IMO if the couple has been living together and they aren't in need why throw a party to get cash? It used to be to help the young couple get a head start.

I give a gift for the shower and cash for the wedding.

I was invited to a wedding last year, couple in their thirties. They went on vacations like i have never seen. Six months before the wedding they set up a web site asking for donations for their honeymoon. I thought it was really odd. They also had the traditional shower, so it wasn't in lieu of.....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Whalers11
♀ 27544
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never heard the term.

I don't get invited to showers or parties much that require gifts, but if someone were to say "cash only", my RSVP would be a not attending.

I think that's tacky.


Me: BGF - 33

I gave you more than I ever got back
You left me here to forget about that
All the things you thought you had have gone
Let that be a lesson to you
-Richie Kotzen, "Special"


Posts: 2325 | Registered: Feb 2010
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the sort of thing that feels faintly grubby & not right ... but then you think, why should I care? It's not me shaming myself by money-grubbing lol.

If I could afford to give $100 then I would, but if I couldn't? Then I wouldn't. It's pretty simple from that end. And if someone tries to shame you for not giving money that you can't afford? Then tell them, "well, I really needed to pay my electric bill this month" or something like that. You know, to put it in perspective.

[This message edited by cayc at 7:01 AM, April 29th, 2014 (Tuesday)]


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3198 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never heard of a Fee Shower. I've heard of a Jack and Jill. That's usually where the bride and groom go to a party with both sides (male and female) and instead of giving gifts they give money and I believe raffle tickets are sold and all the money from that goes to the bride and groom.

My sister tried giving me a Jack and Jill and I told her that a regular bridal shower is fine with me. That's what I had.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find this offensive, and disgusting. Is this really what our society has become? We are getting married so gimme money????

I wouldn't go, and I don't think I would even RSVP. If they ask tell them you never got the invitation.

My H and I were together almost 8 years by the time we finished school and got married, and a big part of me not having a giant wedding was the obligation that I would put on others to spend money on me. It just seemed so flipping tacky. My mom of course insisted I send out an announcement to all of their friends, and I did include a statement of no gifts necessary. We did get some money from some of them, but again, I didn't expect it.

I can even go along with registering at Home Depot or Lowes, and giving gift cards for those places, esp if they are just purchasing a home. But to just flat out ask for money. No. Ick. How disgustingly materialistic can you be.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8886 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
TrustNoOne
♀ 16591
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've finally arrived at "old"....because it saddens me that this is where we've landed.

I can't phathom asking for money - for any event. Ever.

To me, charity and gift-giving comes from the heart - not at the prompting of an invitation.

I think I'm OK with being "old" because I'm not OK with Fee Showers, Greenback Showers, Cash Only, and so-on.


Posts: 1328 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
looking forward
♀ 25238
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm raising my hand to join TrustNoOne and others!
I think it's tacky.
Our son is getting married in September, and my niece and I are hosting a Bridal Shower for our side of the family in July. FDIL's mom is hosting a Jack & Jill in June for their side of the family.
I have never organized a shower and am positively giddy with excitement. It's going to be a traditional shower with games, too. I'm sending out the invitations in a couple of weeks with two things for the invitees to share and bring to the shower: a recipe card (share your favourite) and a double-sided heart card (advice for the couple).
I believe that giving the bride & groom money (we've done this ourselves for the last 3 family weddings) is appropriate as a wedding gift, but NOT this Fee Shower idea. Yuck!

....Now back in my day what we received as wedding gifts are now shower gifts. Times how they have changed in 42 years!

[This message edited by looking forward at 10:01 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2860 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
dameia
♀ 36072
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to a bridal shower this weekend. I bought some kitchen gadgets that were on their registry for a gift.

This is the first M for both of them, however they are in their mid-30's so they already have a lot of the basics that they need (they are not living together). Because of that, a lot of stuff on their registry is expensive...they are registered for china, crystal, etc.

The bride realizes this and she mentioned she would be happy with anything, even if someone bought just a single glass. They are also registered for their honeymoon. I actually like that idea! I think it's nice that I can buy them a parasailing trip, or a wine and cheese tray. Also, the honeymoon registry is broken up. Let's say you wanted to contribute to them going parasailing, but it costs $120. They have it broken up into $30 increments so many people can help buy them that experience.

I do agree that it's tacky to just ask for money though. I'm uncomfortable just giving money because I feel like I'm being judged for how much I give. It's the same way I feel when giving gift cards to my kids teachers.

Maybe it's a cultural/regional thing. At my wedding one of my neighbors, whom I had known since I was a child, asked when we were doing the money dance. I had no idea what that was. She told me it was when people gave money to dance with the bride. She said it was a Polish tradition. Whether or not that's true, I don't know.

If you're not close to the bride, send a lovely card and your regrets that you won't be able to make it to the shower.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1209 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's terribly tacky. I come from an area and culture where it's traditional to give money as a wedding gift but it's not required or requested. The bride often carries a special purse to collect the moneyI refused to.

Hell, some people have dances at the wedding where you pin money to the bride. I refused that tradition too.

Call me a rebel


Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?

Posts: 20544 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very tacky, I think.

When my SIL got married 20+ years ago, people asked her what they needed. "Money". I was embarrassed to be her bridesmaid.

She also handed out the wedding invitations at the bridal shower. Even more tacky.

OMG. Have an ounce of class, please.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7862 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's awful. I've never heard of it and find it almost offensive.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never heard of a fee shower or a Jack and Jill shower or any of these things. Then again, it's been at least 15 years since I attended a wedding shower of any kind, and that one was for my sister. We did a kitchen shower with, you know, kitchen gifts.

I've given money and/or gift cards as wedding gifts plenty of times, but I've never specifically been asked to. It may be the way things are now, but it seems tacky to me.

My lawn. Get off it.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26467 | Registered: Aug 2011
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not old, and this is still offensive. It's one thing to have a party and hope for money, but its a totally different area of the "how far can you cross the line" when you actually have a party specifically for money....just....no


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1831 | Registered: Sep 2012
Fireball72
♀ 20152
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend of mine got married a couple of years ago, and she and her husband requested money at their shower - but the difference was that it was to be donated to a charity of our choice in their names. We didn't HAVE to, but if we wanted to, they just wanted confirmation of the donation (usually a print-out of the receipt).

I thought that was an INCREDIBLY generous and kind-hearted thing to do. By asking for this, they made it not only just about them, but about causes that help people who are TRULY in need.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Dreamboat
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have never heard of a Fee Shower. I think I would have a prior obligation if I was invited to one.

I generally give money only to relatives for wedding gifts, otherwise I buy a gift from the registry. I have given money for my nieces shower that I could not attend because it was easier than trying to send a gift. I could have rsvp'ed that I could not attend and not send anything, but I really wanted to give something to my niece.

When my nephew got M my sister mentioned to everyone in the family that they really needed a new dishwasher and planned to use any home depot gift cards that they received for the purchase. But this was only to us siblings and we are close and she simply mentioned it. They were flooded with Home Depot cards and were able to purchase the dishwasher before all the guests arrived at their house

But to blatantly say that you EXPECT a monetary gift is beyond tacky. I wonder, does the bride to be then open all the "gifts" at the shower and announce the amount of the check?


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Mack9512
♀ 38619
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only one that originally read the title as "Pee Shower" and was totally shocked and disgusted?

I went to a money tree shower. We were supposed to put money in an envelope and then hang the envelope from a tree. I guess it is basically the same thing. I gave them an envelope with a picture of the Kitchen Aid blender I bought them. LOLOL

[This message edited by Mack9512 at 12:20 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 422 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
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