I tried very hard not to hold onto my specific DDay date because I thought that would be a bad precedent for me, but I know it was around now, based on what's going on with work (which is on a yearly cycle of activity). I know it was yesterday, today or it's tomorrow. I can remember having to go work the morning after DDay-- naturally, I hadn't had any sleep-- and putting on my rings and already knowing that that would be one of the last times I put them on. I was right.
Anyway, last night I had the weirdest dream about X. I ran into him unexpectedly, and he did what I expect him to do someday-- he came up to me like we were old buddies, like nothing happened. As he approached me, I immediately instructed him to stop walking and get away from me. I told him that I will never speak to him again, and to stop trying to break NC. He got this look on his face like he was afraid I'd be like this, and he began to tell me that I wasn't being fair and that I have no idea how hard this last year has been on him. (btw: this is totally the kind of thing he was saying during false R and when he has broken NC with me). That just set me off. I began raging at him, a complete tirade about how he has no fucking idea what suffering is, how he has shown no empathy, how pathetic he is, etc etc. He tried to hold me in the dream, and I just kept pushing him off, telling him he wasn't allowed to touch me, to get away from me, that he is disgusting, etc. There were other elements of it that I can't get into here because they are too specific for anonymity's sake-- but it basically rehearsed a series of things he procrastinated or tortured me with because of his OCD and lack of responsibility over the years... in the dream, these are things he still hasn't had the character to address.
I hardly ever dream about X anymore these days-- this one woke me up out of a dead sleep in the middle of the night. I was sweating and had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep after that. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in the sense that it was a lot to process. It was just very intense.
What's interesting about this dream is how different it is from the ones I had in the months after we S/D. I basically had these night terrors where X was sitting in a chair and I was trying to explain to him how much he was hurting me and our friends and families, begging him to open his eyes to the fact that OW was a manipulator, that he was giving up someone who truly loved him, that he was making a mistake. In those dreams, he never responded, never heard any of it. I could tell nothing was getting through to him, no matter how hard I tried. I also had dreams where I was holding on to him, Titanic-style, and he would slip out of my hands and disappear.
While it was disturbing in sort of a general sense, I am much happier with the dream I had last night. The thing I kept thinking as I was lying in bed, trying to get back to sleep, was that I think the feelings of disgust I had for X in the dream would be real if I ever saw him in person (I haven't seen him in over a year now-- DDay was while he was out of town and we were never in the same space again). It helps me see that, even if he did have some sort of crazy awakening at his loss, it wouldn't matter. I think I've conclusively reached the stage where there is nothing he could do to even gain my friendship back, never mind my love.
Has anyone else had shifts like this in how their unconscious is processing loss or just the D in general?