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PhantomLimb posted 4/29/2014 08:22 AM

I tried very hard not to hold onto my specific DDay date because I thought that would be a bad precedent for me, but I know it was around now, based on what's going on with work (which is on a yearly cycle of activity). I know it was yesterday, today or it's tomorrow. I can remember having to go work the morning after DDay-- naturally, I hadn't had any sleep-- and putting on my rings and already knowing that that would be one of the last times I put them on. I was right.

Anyway, last night I had the weirdest dream about X. I ran into him unexpectedly, and he did what I expect him to do someday-- he came up to me like we were old buddies, like nothing happened. As he approached me, I immediately instructed him to stop walking and get away from me. I told him that I will never speak to him again, and to stop trying to break NC. He got this look on his face like he was afraid I'd be like this, and he began to tell me that I wasn't being fair and that I have no idea how hard this last year has been on him. (btw: this is totally the kind of thing he was saying during false R and when he has broken NC with me). That just set me off. I began raging at him, a complete tirade about how he has no fucking idea what suffering is, how he has shown no empathy, how pathetic he is, etc etc. He tried to hold me in the dream, and I just kept pushing him off, telling him he wasn't allowed to touch me, to get away from me, that he is disgusting, etc. There were other elements of it that I can't get into here because they are too specific for anonymity's sake-- but it basically rehearsed a series of things he procrastinated or tortured me with because of his OCD and lack of responsibility over the years... in the dream, these are things he still hasn't had the character to address.

I hardly ever dream about X anymore these days-- this one woke me up out of a dead sleep in the middle of the night. I was sweating and had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep after that. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in the sense that it was a lot to process. It was just very intense.

What's interesting about this dream is how different it is from the ones I had in the months after we S/D. I basically had these night terrors where X was sitting in a chair and I was trying to explain to him how much he was hurting me and our friends and families, begging him to open his eyes to the fact that OW was a manipulator, that he was giving up someone who truly loved him, that he was making a mistake. In those dreams, he never responded, never heard any of it. I could tell nothing was getting through to him, no matter how hard I tried. I also had dreams where I was holding on to him, Titanic-style, and he would slip out of my hands and disappear.

While it was disturbing in sort of a general sense, I am much happier with the dream I had last night. The thing I kept thinking as I was lying in bed, trying to get back to sleep, was that I think the feelings of disgust I had for X in the dream would be real if I ever saw him in person (I haven't seen him in over a year now-- DDay was while he was out of town and we were never in the same space again). It helps me see that, even if he did have some sort of crazy awakening at his loss, it wouldn't matter. I think I've conclusively reached the stage where there is nothing he could do to even gain my friendship back, never mind my love.

Has anyone else had shifts like this in how their unconscious is processing loss or just the D in general?

WeepingBuddhist posted 4/29/2014 09:16 AM

I only remember one dream I've had that was notable. I was at a party and being loud and almost howling with laughter when I looked up and saw X glaring at me from a doorway and I just KNEW he was pissed; he rolled his eyes and stormed off. He always got annoyed when I was "so loud" or "so drunk". It felt like I had been slapped and I rushed after him trying to catch up and I was weepy and then I woke up. I was so incredibly relieved that I am divorced and never have to deal with his pissy ass again!

Gemini71 posted 4/29/2014 14:59 PM

Yep. Dreams have really changed. At first I dreamed about the good times and reconciling with STBXH. Those really sucked. Then I had the angry 'get the f@#k away from me' dreams. Upsetting, but empowering. I took it as a sign that my subconscious a.k.a. heart was finally catching up with my mind. Now I don't really dream that much about STBXH. I have more important things on my mind.

Take it as another milestone on your healing journey. Congratulations!

SBB posted 4/29/2014 19:43 PM

I didn't dream about him at all for those first few months. Then they started. At first I had the catching him in the act dreams - still lying through his teeth with his pants around his ankles while I laughed and cried at the absurdity of it all.

Then the angry dreams. Him seeking me out and me walking away, telling him to get back. I woke from these dreams all stressed and overwhelmed because I couldn't get away from him.

I've had dreams where he's begging me to talk to me and I'm in a bubble that gets thicker and thicker until I can't see or hear him.

Then the bittersweet dreams - he and I sitting in the sunshine, his hands stroking my face and me moving away far too slow for my liking. I'd wake from these dreams weeping.

The most regular dream I have seemed to happen once a month. I hear someone in the corner curled up into a ball and crying his heart out. He is dirty, disheveled and broken. When I realise it is him I go and get a towel, a bottle of water and some food and lay it in front of him. He reaches out to touch me and I move out of reach. Then he turns into a snarling vicious dog on a chain.

The setting is different each time I dream it but the storyline is the same. I wake from these dreams angry - why don't I walk away immediately? Why do I help him?

I haven't had it for several months now - my dreams have been overrun with other, far more pleasant ones.

yearsofpain25 posted 4/30/2014 07:56 AM

Hi PL. I think these dreams are a way of your mind "getting the poison out". At least that's what my C tells me in relation to dreams and the "mind movies" that I have (PTSD related). Your subconscious is continuing to process. As time goes on and you pass more of "this time of year", hopefully your mind will become more peaceful with this stuff.

Wishing you peace PL.

yop

ThrownAwayTwice posted 4/30/2014 08:35 AM

The first week of S, I had this reoccurring nightmare. WS would approach me, tell me that it was the biggest mistake he had ever made. That HW was gone. That he loved me and wanted our M back. That's when I would wake up, terrified by my possible response. Afraid that dream me would have caved.
After about a week of that, it changed a bit. It would started the same, but I didn't wake up at the same place. I would turn and run as fast as I could... into the arms of another woman. She would tell me not to be afraid, that I had her now, and his loss was her gain. And I would wake up.
A few weeks later the dreams about him started again, this time HW would be there with him, and he would tell me how much happier he was without me. Thats when I started sleeping with my laptop, watching anime. The sleeping to a language that I do not speak seems to have stopped my dreams of him altogether.

PhantomLimb posted 4/30/2014 20:12 PM

It stinks how this stuff sneaks up on you in certain ways. YOP25, I like how you say that it's a way for my mind to continue healing and processing. I think that's definitely true.

Today I found out that a person I thought was my friend went out to work for my X and didn't tell me she was pursuing the job. So I woke up this morning and there were all of these photos of her around my old place of business, my X "liking" all of them and her basically bragging about her great new position. I unfriended her in two seconds flat. Didn't even try to discuss it with her. But as a result I've had a few tears this afternoon. Mostly I feel pretty good these days, but whether it's a dream or a little incident like this, it has an uncanny way of popping back up.

Here's to hoping most of my continued processing is in my sleep.

sadcountryboy posted 4/30/2014 20:23 PM

Yes I have had them but in a different way. I've had dreams of her being excited and driving to some crappy motel blasting some music. Then she gets in there and hugs him and they commence to doing their thing. I wake up and then have trouble sleeping the rest of the night. It sucks, but it's normal I think. It's mind movies in your subconsience. I keep hoping they will pass over time.

Caretaker1 posted 5/1/2014 07:37 AM

I had a dream last night. She was being kind and cuddly and close. My feelings in the dream were distrust, but also wanting that bond again willing to forgive.I woke up feeling odd, and that empty space.