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Do you ever wonder why they married you in the first place?

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marlie2014 posted 4/29/2014 08:53 AM

I do. My STBX has, apparently, always had an unnatural interest in manipulating young girls. When I married him, I was nearly 25 and definitely did not look 14. Even when I was 14 I didn't look 14, but older.

This was part of the reason I found his problem so hard to accept as fact. I would think to myself, "But if that were true, why did he marry me? I don't fit that profile at all."

I made the mistake of saying that to someone (male) yesterday who burst out laughing and said, "You're kidding, right? Surely even you don't think that?" And I realized it was meant as a compliment even before the actual compliment came next, but I wasn't fishing for a compliment when I spoke my thoughts aloud like that. I seriously meant it...since he vicitimizes young girls, why did he choose me as a life partner?

The only answer I can think of is that I have no relationship at all with my father and that my mother is mentally ill, so he saw me as vulnerable enough to manipulate. He, of course, when I asked him right after D-Day, said, "Because I was in love with you."

But I know now that he can never love anyone, because he does not love himself.

Anyone else have thoughts like these?

cayc posted 4/29/2014 09:16 AM

My xWH is a philanderer. I'm convinced that he has to be married in order to have someone to cheat on. He needs the stability and outward appearance of being a "good guy" to cover up the nastiness that causes him to fuck every woman who will let him. Since he's such a great husband, then how can he be a bad guy just because he can't keep his penis in his pants? Right?

Hence he's just turned 40 and is on wife #4, who of course, was OW# umpteen. I predict a long and wonderful and faithful marriage for them both. Hah!

sparkysable posted 4/29/2014 09:19 AM

I'm convinced that he has to be married in order to have someone to cheat on. He needs the stability and outward appearance of being a "good guy" to cover up the nastiness that causes him to fuck every woman who will let him.
cayc surely you are talking about my XWH!

I do wonder why he married me. I wonder this all the time. I was a good person, he knew he was a cheater, and he knew it would destroy me. Why did I have to be the poor sucker to fill the role of the nice little wife?

I know there is supposed to be a reason for all of this, and that everything happens for a reason, but it just doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense.

Harriet posted 4/29/2014 09:26 AM

I asked my ex that same question when we were in MC. His answer...."It's what people do."

I think his motives were along the lines of cayc's XWH. He really wants to be seen as a wonderful guy, and yet he loves the thrill of illicit seduction. One woman after another (or even concurrently). We're their cover. He also said it was easier to break it off with the other women when they wanted more. He's a married man, after all, he would tell them.

He found ways to justify it in his own mind. I think it's been a little harder for him now that he's divorced and word has spread about his behavior. I named names and now I think women are worried about their reputations if they are seen with him.

His current girlfriend has been called clingy, needy, and a ding dong for sticking with him after he has cast her off once with the lines, "I like a lot of women as much as I like you." At least now he's being honest! Progress?

Whalers11 posted 4/29/2014 10:11 AM

He didn't marry me. Guess I should have known I was just a placeholder until he found something better.

NikkiD posted 4/29/2014 10:18 AM

Absolutely. I wonder the same thing. I am nothing like this girl he is with now. He told me she needs him more. I told him, you have known me since the 7th grade...when have I ever been as needy as you claim you like/want/need now? He admitted...never....of course then, I asked...why did you marry me then....he says it was a mistake...I believe him...

Pass posted 4/29/2014 10:30 AM

The Princess wanted it all: She wanted a husband and kids, a big house in the suburbs, and she wanted to screw everything that moves. And she had it all for a while.

And now she's working on her new guy. He has more money, and has a job that keeps him out-of-province for two-thirds of the time. The screwing around is MUCH easier now, I'm sure.

ThrownAwayTwice posted 4/29/2014 10:53 AM

I wonder this all the time. I have asked several times. Usually just got "I'm sorry" but at least once it was "I can't imagine a future without you." well time to expand the imagination.

Kajem posted 4/29/2014 11:11 AM

I figure I was his uterus!

Lola2kids posted 4/29/2014 13:20 PM

Ha, Kajem, ^^^I thought the same thing too.

Whalers, he didn't marry me either, but he's engaged to OW. I was a placeholder and a uterus. Hmmm.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 1:21 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]

Dadtryingtocope posted 4/29/2014 13:27 PM

Well I think in the begining I was what she thougth she wanted in life. Secure financially and emotionally. In reality I was her sperm donor.

She has told me since the D that she was pretending to be someone she wasn't. I'm not sure how true that is. But I do know she became someone I didn't want to be with. But if she was pretending all that time to be someone else, why marry me to begin with? Crazy.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 1:28 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]

solus sto posted 4/29/2014 14:10 PM

I don't wonder because I asked. He married me because I loved him and he didn't know if anyone else would. He made it his mission to find out how many anyone elses would.

He did not love me.

IrishLass518 posted 4/29/2014 14:37 PM

I don't wonder, he sent me a letter and told me.

"It was a marriage of convenience. He needed someone to raise his kids. I pressured him. I controlled him. I just wanted his money. I emotionally abused him. I am pathetic and laughable."

Those are all the reasons why he married me. Wish I had known that before I said I do.

You all get why I don't date, right?

Gemini71 posted 4/29/2014 15:26 PM

He needs the stability and outward appearance of being a "good guy" to cover up the nastiness that causes him to fuck every woman who will let him.

Amen! I'm pretty sure STBXH got married because it was the expected path for him. Also, I was stupid enough to propose to HIM, so he didn't have to do any work.

If he ever marries again, I WILL get up and object that STBXH is incapable of fidelity, therefore incapable of entering into a valid marriage. At least, that's the reasoning I'm gonna use for my Annulment.

Faithful w/Love posted 4/29/2014 16:29 PM

I was the perfect wife. I was the beautiful, smart, educated, great mom, housekeeper, cook, Any man would be proud to have you for a wife.... I still hear that.....

Well I guess he like the bottom of the barrel woman, I don't know and I don't give a fuck!

tryingagain74 posted 4/29/2014 16:49 PM

Yes, I certainly do wonder.

CommandOwife is exactly like XWH's "type" before he met me. He prefers short, needy women with issues (based on what he told me about his past GFs). I am definitely not short, and I'm very independent. While I'm not perfect and certainly have some FOO issues to deal with, I would say that they don't rule my life. IIRC, both GFs had commitment issues, and I know that at least one of them struggled with depression/anxiety. I'm not saying that makes them bad people-- I'm just the opposite of that. I committed to our relationship, and I didn't jerk XWH around. I think one GF ran hot and cold with him, and the other was into him until another guy came along.

CommandOwife clearly has commitment issues since she cheated on her BH with my ex through Ashley Madison, and she rushed into marrying my ex, so she's clearly very needy. She's also really short.

I don't know... maybe I was a challenge to him? Maybe he thought I was what his parents would approve of? Maybe he enjoyed the attention he got for being with a woman out of his league?

I don't analyze it too much anymore. I'm just grateful that I got three great kids out of the deal.

SBB posted 4/29/2014 19:02 PM

I figure I was his uterus!

^^THIS. He used me to have children. He was also still in the midst of me being the target of his love addiction and pushed so hard for marriage. Even with me putting the bakes on we were M within 20m. He used guilt trips, "Don't you love me? All I want to do is be married to you!" whenever I asked him to slow the fuck down.

Once limrance wore off he stuck with me because he was gagging to have children and no other fool would agree to it.

When I did finally agree fatherhood wasn't what he expected.

His mother modelled love addict behaviour. She's all alone now and has been for over a decade.

With me he was who I wanted him to be - who he aspired to be for a time. I've said before he was the closest he'll ever be to the man he might have been when he was with me.

It's all downhill from here and he knows it.

kg201 posted 4/29/2014 19:12 PM

We had a child before we married, so I figure it was because of that. But in MC before dday she kept accusing me of not wanting to be in the marriage...now I see those moments as her projecting her own desires on me.

phmh posted 4/29/2014 19:41 PM

He married me to try to be normal, to escape his FOO issues. He could pretend for a while.

I fell for it because I am a master at explaining away red flags, we married young, and I didn't believe in divorce, so was determined to make it work.

His MOW was a clone of his (very disturbed) mother.

Sometimes I think he used me to pay for his medical school, but he claims that just was a side benefit and unplanned. He could not have planned it better for himself financially if he'd tried.

Bluebird26 posted 4/30/2014 04:59 AM

Because I was the stability to his madness.

I was dependable, I had a job, I was smart, I was reliable, a good mother and wife and I didn't suspect a thing for most of our marriage. When I spotted a red flag I either ignored it or he could explain it and I was crazy.

Plus I was willing to have children with him and that way he got to control my life forever.

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