This was part of the reason I found his problem so hard to accept as fact. I would think to myself, "But if that were true, why did he marry me? I don't fit that profile at all."
I made the mistake of saying that to someone (male) yesterday who burst out laughing and said, "You're kidding, right? Surely even you don't think that?" And I realized it was meant as a compliment even before the actual compliment came next, but I wasn't fishing for a compliment when I spoke my thoughts aloud like that. I seriously meant it...since he vicitimizes young girls, why did he choose me as a life partner?
The only answer I can think of is that I have no relationship at all with my father and that my mother is mentally ill, so he saw me as vulnerable enough to manipulate. He, of course, when I asked him right after D-Day, said, "Because I was in love with you."
But I know now that he can never love anyone, because he does not love himself.
Anyone else have thoughts like these?
Hence he's just turned 40 and is on wife #4, who of course, was OW# umpteen. I predict a long and wonderful and faithful marriage for them both. Hah!
I'm convinced that he has to be married in order to have someone to cheat on. He needs the stability and outward appearance of being a "good guy" to cover up the nastiness that causes him to fuck every woman who will let him.
I do wonder why he married me. I wonder this all the time. I was a good person, he knew he was a cheater, and he knew it would destroy me. Why did I have to be the poor sucker to fill the role of the nice little wife?
I know there is supposed to be a reason for all of this, and that everything happens for a reason, but it just doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense.
I think his motives were along the lines of cayc's XWH. He really wants to be seen as a wonderful guy, and yet he loves the thrill of illicit seduction. One woman after another (or even concurrently). We're their cover. He also said it was easier to break it off with the other women when they wanted more. He's a married man, after all, he would tell them.
He found ways to justify it in his own mind. I think it's been a little harder for him now that he's divorced and word has spread about his behavior. I named names and now I think women are worried about their reputations if they are seen with him.
His current girlfriend has been called clingy, needy, and a ding dong for sticking with him after he has cast her off once with the lines, "I like a lot of women as much as I like you." At least now he's being honest! Progress?
I gave you more than I ever got back
You left me here to forget about that
All the things you thought you had have gone
Let that be a lesson to you
-Richie Kotzen, "Special"
And now she's working on her new guy. He has more money, and has a job that keeps him out-of-province for two-thirds of the time. The screwing around is MUCH easier now, I'm sure.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
Separated March 2014
Kintsukuroi: the art of repairing broken pottery with gold and silver laquer, and understanding that it is more beautiful for having been broken
Whalers, he didn't marry me either, but he's engaged to OW. I was a placeholder and a uterus. Hmmm.
[This message edited by Lola2kids at 1:21 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]
She has told me since the D that she was pretending to be someone she wasn't. I'm not sure how true that is. But I do know she became someone I didn't want to be with. But if she was pretending all that time to be someone else, why marry me to begin with? Crazy.
[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 1:28 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]
He did not love me.
"It was a marriage of convenience. He needed someone to raise his kids. I pressured him. I controlled him. I just wanted his money. I emotionally abused him. I am pathetic and laughable."
Those are all the reasons why he married me. Wish I had known that before I said I do.
You all get why I don't date, right?
He needs the stability and outward appearance of being a "good guy" to cover up the nastiness that causes him to fuck every woman who will let him.
Amen! I'm pretty sure STBXH got married because it was the expected path for him. Also, I was stupid enough to propose to HIM, so he didn't have to do any work.
If he ever marries again, I WILL get up and object that STBXH is incapable of fidelity, therefore incapable of entering into a valid marriage. At least, that's the reasoning I'm gonna use for my Annulment.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Well I guess he like the bottom of the barrel woman, I don't know and I don't give a fuck!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
CommandOwife is exactly like XWH's "type" before he met me. He prefers short, needy women with issues (based on what he told me about his past GFs). I am definitely not short, and I'm very independent. While I'm not perfect and certainly have some FOO issues to deal with, I would say that they don't rule my life. IIRC, both GFs had commitment issues, and I know that at least one of them struggled with depression/anxiety. I'm not saying that makes them bad people-- I'm just the opposite of that. I committed to our relationship, and I didn't jerk XWH around. I think one GF ran hot and cold with him, and the other was into him until another guy came along.
CommandOwife clearly has commitment issues since she cheated on her BH with my ex through Ashley Madison, and she rushed into marrying my ex, so she's clearly very needy. She's also really short.
I don't know... maybe I was a challenge to him? Maybe he thought I was what his parents would approve of? Maybe he enjoyed the attention he got for being with a woman out of his league?
I don't analyze it too much anymore. I'm just grateful that I got three great kids out of the deal.
I figure I was his uterus!
^^THIS. He used me to have children. He was also still in the midst of me being the target of his love addiction and pushed so hard for marriage. Even with me putting the bakes on we were M within 20m. He used guilt trips, "Don't you love me? All I want to do is be married to you!" whenever I asked him to slow the fuck down.
Once limrance wore off he stuck with me because he was gagging to have children and no other fool would agree to it.
When I did finally agree fatherhood wasn't what he expected.
His mother modelled love addict behaviour. She's all alone now and has been for over a decade.
With me he was who I wanted him to be - who he aspired to be for a time. I've said before he was the closest he'll ever be to the man he might have been when he was with me.
It's all downhill from here and he knows it.
I fell for it because I am a master at explaining away red flags, we married young, and I didn't believe in divorce, so was determined to make it work.
His MOW was a clone of his (very disturbed) mother.
Sometimes I think he used me to pay for his medical school, but he claims that just was a side benefit and unplanned. He could not have planned it better for himself financially if he'd tried.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
I was dependable, I had a job, I was smart, I was reliable, a good mother and wife and I didn't suspect a thing for most of our marriage. When I spotted a red flag I either ignored it or he could explain it and I was crazy.
Plus I was willing to have children with him and that way he got to control my life forever.
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.