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Can you R and 180 at the same time?

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Gumdropped posted 4/29/2014 09:04 AM

I am in R with my SO. This week it is coming up on 1 year anniversary of DDay and very mixed feelings. I have a spouse that is doing all the right things in his eyes to R but the more I read here the more I realize that he has never done anything to initiate real trust. By this I mean that at no time did he ever give me time lines or once ever offer anything if his 16 months of emotional infidelity other than what he was caught and confronted in. He always wants to "just move forward" and " I feel horrified at what I did" and " that wasn't the real me ". I say yes it was, you just don't want to take a really good look at yourself and realize that yes , that's who you were. I have threatened to go and find a woman that he told a friend he wanted to meet back in 2012 and he says to go ahead, that he didn't and that there wasn't ever anything more than what I confronted with. I want him to at least give me some unknown details so that I can finally know that he is trying to " come clean " and give me the basis of trust that I desperately need. So how do I do the 180 now to get my needs in this recovery?

karmahappens posted 4/29/2014 09:12 AM

Have you asked him for what you need?

I would write out a list of what you need to go forward, if he doesn't come through then I would decide on my next action.

I doubt you will get what you need implementing the 180 at this point, if he isn't clear about your needs it may be confusing, no?

Gumdropped posted 4/29/2014 09:17 AM

Hi Karmahappens. You always have great insight. I will start today to write out what I want and plan a time to present it calmly and clearly. I guess I won't know what to expect until I do. Then I can certainly make decisions based on that. I don't think it will be pretty but I am learning to be true to myself. If I'm not I will never be able to heal from the inside out. I still struggle on attemptng to contact that woman in the city that he says " he never met". Maybe that could be my last straw if he doesn't "come clean" ?

karmahappens posted 4/29/2014 09:29 AM

Oh gumdropped

You always have great insight

The only difference between me and you is I am a few years down the same road.

(((hugs)))

I cannot stress how important it is to be good to you, live your truth.

MomtoRoses posted 4/29/2014 09:40 AM

I feel for you. I'm in same boat. Some things are in place (he says the right things), but other than that, there's not much change. Only promises that he will never do it again. How do I take that to the bank??

slicerboy posted 4/29/2014 12:22 PM

i agree with the other posters, writed down your needs and present them for consideration. you also have to have what your next steps are in mind.

I tried R for 6 years, once I had enough, i set firm boundaries, marriage counseling or we must start divorcing. My wife agreed, and I was shocked when she said I'm ready for a divorce.

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