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First trip in R

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Breezy150 posted 4/29/2014 12:20 PM

We went to Vegas for the world dart championships, I have never gone with him for this event and OW has never gone to it either. I was worried because I knew that there would be a lot of triggers in Vegas (people who knew about the A and we renewed our vows last September there right in the middle of the A).

I told him there were four things I wanted to do while there because I wouldn't really want to spend the entire time watching him play darts. We did one of my things, which was just a lunch at a certain restaurant. All of the other things he was too drunk after playing or didn't want to do them without his "boys". I understand that his "boys" and him have done this trip alone for years, and the last two years my son has gone along. This year he texted my son that we were going to go out and then he got a limo and we left 13 minutes later without me even knowing that our son wanted to go.

When we went to leave he took us to the Hoover dam and that was probably the best time we had on this trip. On the drive home he joked about wanting to eat at Joe's Crab Shack because he loves the food. I hate most seafood and so does my son, my daughter in law has such a weak stomach she doesn't eat much of anything. I laughed it off because I thought it was a joke. 50 miles past the town that joes is in he brings it up again, I said we already past it we will have to do it next time.

We get home, exhausted and in pain I have bad knees and car rides hurt, he proceeds to tell me that if I want R I need to compromise more and I was selfish for not eating at joes . I think he was selfish the entire trip and I could have stayed home and had as much fun.

Maybe we just have grown too far apart, he wants to be a 21 year old frat boy with his "boys" and I want to grow up enjoy real memory making activities and slow down and smell the roses. By the way, he spent way more time knowing where his "boys" were the entire trip than knowing where I or my son and DIL were. The "boys" all knew about the A and say that they spent the whole time telling him what a mistake it was but none of them told me, just a few hints.

I am having a bad day, it seems like as soon as I committed to R he quit trying and that selfish monster came back. The only difference is this time he shared money with me and that is very new for him.

karmahappens posted 4/29/2014 12:24 PM

I am sorry Breezy. His behavior sounds horrible and I can only imagine the sadness it brought.

You deserve better.


Breezy150 posted 4/29/2014 12:31 PM

Maybe I am just numb now, not really sad at all. Disappointed yes, but my son and I spent a lot of quality time together and that was the highlight. I guess I should have put that.

Breezy150 posted 4/29/2014 12:31 PM

Maybe I am just numb now, not really sad at all. Disappointed yes, but my son and I spent a lot of quality time together and that was the highlight. I guess I should have put that.

Gman1 posted 4/29/2014 12:43 PM

This sounds awful that a man who just recently had an A would treat his BW so poorly. He sounds like other men that I know who are simply clueless and I am sorry to hear this. I would suggest you having a heart to heart talk with him. Do it in a way that forces him to realize how important this is to you. It sounds to me that he has continued on with his normal life and doesn't care much about your pain as a result of his A. He should have done your four things and then some. Anyways, you need to let him know just how upset you were that he didn't do the simple things you asked. Don't assume he realizes anything. Tell him plainly and directly and make sure he knows how much it hurt your feelings.

Unfortunately, this sounds like the way my father treated my mother but with one big difference. My father didn't have an A. Your WH sounds very selfish and self-absorbed. The only way to break through is to be very direct and stern with him IMO. Good luck!

sisoon posted 4/29/2014 13:19 PM

Is your H in IC? Are you in MC?

I'm going to comment on a less important aspect of what you write. My excuse is that not asking for what a person wants really bugs me.

It sounds to me like more communication pre-trip could have made it a lot more fun, and certainly your H could communicate better with himself and with you.

First, I get that he misses his boys, but he decided to go with you and son. It would have been much better for all of you if he just accepted that decision and followed up with a decision not to resent you because of his choices. There's nothing much you could have done about this. It's his work.

Second, if he wanted to go to Joe's, he needed to set it up, not just passively say he loved the food. He needs to learn to ask for what he wants. If you reported accurately (and I assume you did), his beef is with himself, and he needs to own that. I mean... he could have said, 'I'd love to eat at Joe's. Will you eat there with me if there's something you can eat on the menu?'

As I say, these are smaller points. The larger issue is your H's apparent unwillingness to get into the adult world.

Another large point is your response to him. How active were you in deciding how to spend your vacation time? What do you need to do to confront your H's passivity and immaturity?

tushnurse posted 4/29/2014 13:21 PM

Breezy my dear, I have followed your posts, and I have to say your H doesn't get it, and I fear he may never. Especially with you willing to swallow your feelings, and take what every tiny bits of attention he gives you.

Here comes a 2x4, duck.....
Stand the hell up for yourself and tell him it is unacceptable. He needs to show you remorse, love, understanding, and he should be doing backflips and asking you everyday what he can do to help make things right.

Breezy150 posted 4/29/2014 15:56 PM

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate them all even the 2x4s. As for communication before the trip, that was good, I was just silly enough to believe all the promises. This trip was to be about me and us. Blah blah blah. We just couldn't make concrete plans with times because it did depend on how long he stayed in the tourney. All non dart time was to be about us and our marriage.

He has been to IC twice and read a book or two. IC is scheduled for whenever he is in town, he works out of state sometimes and his schedule changes. Very hit and miss.

I scheduled an MC for next week so I guess we will see how that goes. I just really needed to vent.

RomanticInnocenc posted 4/29/2014 19:52 PM

Breezy, I hate how disappointed you must be feeling right now. I'm not familiar with your larger story so if I say something stupid please know it comes from a good place.

In a very dark moment the other night I asked my WH why it is so hard to love me and treat me accordingly. I have had very bad luck with relationships. Very tentatively and with a lot of fear he told me my biggest downfall, as far as he could see, was my not keeping the people in my life accountable. He was absolutely right. In the past I have been so afraid of losing the people I loved, regardless of how they treated me, that I accepted a lot that I shouldn't. Your post reminded me of myself! I agree with tushnurse! Stand up for yourself and your needs. I'm not sure, but did you tell him during the vacation that his behaviour wasn't acceptable. The first time he became too drunk after a tourny to do anything, did you say not good enough? This is what I need and if you don't provide it then I'm going home, packing your bags and you can shove your R where the sun doesn't shine? You are worth an amazing vacation. He should have blown off the darts thing altogether and surprised you with a vacation that was all about you and your family! He ain't never going to get it if you keep accepting his crap!

The crab shack thing... WOW! He needs to express his needs/wants correctly, it's not your fault if he doesn't. And I'm sorry but holding R over your head over not going to a desired restaurant is about the most immature thing I've ever heard! I hope that doesn't offend!

Hoping he wakes up for you!

Breezy150 posted 4/29/2014 21:12 PM

Thank you RomanticInnocence, I think you guys are hitting the nail on the head. What I should have done is taken my son and his wife to do all the things I wanted to do, after he gave up his chance to do it with us. I need these reminders that I am in charge of me and my happiness, I keep sneaking back into wanting him to do it.

I appreciate all if the replies, it is so nice to look at things from other perspectives. I need to take care of myself and if he can't keep up, he can stay behind. I will never feel like an inconvenience again.

The only correction I will make is that as far as darts goes he is a master player that plays all over and makes money at it, so I knew what I was in for as far as the dart tournament. Next vacation no darts allowed.

LA44 posted 4/29/2014 21:23 PM

All of the other things he was too drunk after playing or didn't want to do them without his "boys".

This really bothers me and must have been so upsetting for you. Karma is right, you DO deserve better.

I hope he can step up and grow up. His aim may rock at darts but it Is way off the mark as far as being the man he needs to be for you right now.


seems like as soon as I committed to R he quit trying and that selfish monster came back.

with behavior you described, you can change your mind. Don't be afraid to let him know that too.


Breezy150 posted 4/29/2014 21:45 PM

Thank you LA44 I agree. I only committed to try, that can change at any time. Thank you all for your support.

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