SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I have been married 17 years. My wife and I have 2 beautiful daughters. We have always been very loving affectionate people to one another. I recently(2 weeks ago) found out my wife had an affair. She had told me for the past 3 years she was unhappy. She felt I had become emotionally checked out. I admit and own the fact that I did become complacent and took her for granted. That was my mistake. Does that warrent an affair? I confronted her. She told me she was in love with the other man. She had only slept with him once. She actually only met him face to face that one time as we'll. he live in St Louis. We live in Massachusetts. She got a bonus from her job and used it to fly there and spend the weekend with him. We really could have used that money as we barely made rent. I spelled all of this out for her. She cried Nd said she realized she had made a huge mistake. She promised to end the affair and break off all contact with him. She did text him(she showed me the text) telling him it was over she was going to work on our marriage. She deleted him from her phone right in front of me. We were like newlyweds again. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. This lasted about 5 days. I started to notice she was less & less involved. She told me last Sundy(Easter). That she was still in love with him and missed his texts and missed hearing his voice. I found out she has been contacting him again. I am of course pissed off. She told me sticking with me would make her unhappy. She asked what about her feelings. She said they don't matter to me and I am trying to minimize them. I told her that this isn't just about her. It's about our daughters, it's about me, & it's about us. She stormed out of the room yelling "sure put me on a guilt trip." She slammed the door. Was I not correct? I am pretty sure there is no working this out. I would like to. What do we do about the girls since they are doing so well in school and neither of us can afford to stay living where we are with out the financial support if the other?

This is certainly a difficult situation. More posters will come in with better advice for you.

First -

Does that warrent an affair?

NO. Absolutely not. You were in the same M she was and you didn't choose to cheat even though you were checked out. We call those "pre-A" problems and you are not in any shape or form for her cheating just because your M wasn't perfect. She could have talked to you about it. She could have suggested IC or MC. Instead, she took money you needed for your family and used it to cheat. That is despicable in my eyes.

She stormed out of the room yelling "sure put me on a guilt trip."

This is absolute BS. She cheated. She should feel guilty. You're not guilt tripping her by pointing out that this affects your family and her daughters. You're absolutely right that it does. She didn't think about that when she cheated because she's selfish. DO NOT let her blame you for the A, feeling bad about it, or in any way for "guilt tripping" her by talking about it.

I am pretty sure there is no working this out. I would like to.

You're far better off than many here that you recognize as long as she acts this way and is still involved with OM, R will not be possible. Read up on The Healing Library and the 180. Read threads in this forum that have a bullzeye target next to them. Detach from her in case it does come to D. Consult a lawyer and ask about what can be done to help ensure your daughters aren't uprooted too much if you D.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 1:33 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]

Dear Easy E...

(((hugs)))

We are sorry you have found yourself here. As we say...it is a club no one ever thought they'd ever join.

First, this is a safe place. You can ask or say anything. Although we each have unique situations; there are many similarities too.

(((gently))) Your wife is living in the "fog" or fantasy land with regard to the OM. It is easy to be infatuated with a person that has nothing to do with reality. She is in love with a mirage, an image, a fabrication.

The OM is only about good feelings, kind words, affirmation. Not about the reality of bills to pay, children to raise, a house to clean.

Regardless of the state of your marriage there is NEVER an excuse to cheat. EVER. You own 50% of the marriage but 0% of the affair.

"sure put me on a guilt trip"

Uhm...no, that is on her. She needs to ask herself why she feels guilty? It is because she chose to go down this road. And this road has implications and consequences that are far deeper that "how she feels"

At this time she is acting like a selfish brat and trying to justify her horrid actions. If there is any minimizing going on it is with her as she is not thinking of you, your marriage or your children.

Please check out the healing library in the upper left hand corner. There is a lot of great information there that will help you come to terms with this horrible betrayal you have been dealt.

Right now take one day at a time. You can figure out what is right for you and your daughters as necessary.

Stay strong and don't allow her to treat you and your family like an option.

Good luck. We are all here to support you.

(((prayers)))

Hello there. Welcome to the place that no one wants to have the reason to go looking for. But it's also a place where you'll find great support.

First off, breathe. Just slow down for a moment and take a couple of really, deep breaths. You are in a marathon right now, not a sprint. You need to try to gain a calm(er) mind so that you can clearly think about what you can and cannot accept, and what you need to remain in a marriage with someone who could destroy your entire family over a OM that she's met with all of one time.

Take a look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Look in the first few pages of this forum for posts that have bright red "targets" on them, and read their first pages. These are all good articles that is specifically targeted for new people coming to this place, and is filled with a lot of good information by people who have walked in your shoes. Knowledge is power, so please, start educating yourself as much as possible.

Know one thing. No matter what your marriage problems were, your WWs A is completely and utterly on her and is HER fault, and not yours. She didn't make a little oopsie mistake like forgetting to put matching socks on in the morning. She made a deliberate choice to seek out the OM, a decision to engage him in communications, another deliberate choice to steal funds that belonged to the marriage and buy an airplane ticket, and a damned deliberate decision to screw him. All decisions and choices made by her, each and every time she had any type of contact with him. And it's all on her.

And the next time she wants to know about her feelings, ask her how does she feel about having to have an STD/HIV test because he screwed a stranger who potentially was a living petri dish, not only in his dick but in his mouth as well. Tell her to google oral STDs for grins and giggles. And please, get yourself to a doctor or clinic and have a full STD/HIV panel of tests run. Do not touch her until she has done the same AND the doctor or clinic has given you the official results. Because you obviously cannot trust her to tell you the truth.

Come back often for support or to vent. We're all here for you.

Welcome to SI, EasyE.

There are problems in the marriage, and there there are affairs. The problems do NOT warrant cheating. She told you she was unhappy, and you didn't do anything to work on it. At this point it was on her to get out of the relationship in an honorable way, not like this.

Would she be willing to get into counseling? Is that an option for you guys right now?

Keep posting. We're here for you.

WOW! Your WW is cake eating and in a serious fog!!

Right now you need to protect yourself. I would see a lawyer immediately and file for divorce. Have her served with papers. This doesn't mean that you actually have to follow through with the divorce, but you need to let her know that her actions will not be tolerated. Some on SI call this the "shock and awe!" The fastest way to accomplish what you want, is to give her exactly what wants (or thinks she wants anyways...)

Read the 180 and follow it! It is for you, NOT for her. Detach!

Know that you did nothing wrong. Nothing excuses an affair. NOTHING.

You cannot "nice" your WW back into the relationship, so don't try to.

And remember that staying together for the kids is not the answer. If she stays in this fog and wants to be with the OM, let her. She'll soon get a dose of reality and realize that ALL relationships take hard work.

Is the OM married? If he is, you need to expose the affair to his wife ASAP. She has a right to know, and it will help to implode their little fairytale.

Sending you strength today. Others will come along with better advice than I.

Thanks everyone for the reassurances. I have that lump sitting in my throat. The brick in my stomach. I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night in 2 weeks. I do have the OM's contact info. He is not married that I know of. She met him on Google+ group for big people. I am positive he was just trolling the site looking for a vulnerable person. I think it's hilarious that his tag line says he is interested in family. He forgot to mention that it's someone else's he's interested in.

Another entitled wayward.

She must experience the gift of missing you and your children.

She wants him?

Then she will do without you and her family.

Read up on how to conduct a 180 and implement a 180 as fully and and quickly as you can.

No net. No training wheels.

She wants him? There are consequences.

Here are the basics of the 180. For your children and you and even for her, please do this NOW.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Hi EasyE. I'm very sorry that you find yourself here but welcome to SI. People above have been suggesting the 180. The 180 is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

You are not dealing with the same person or relationship that you once had. I can't stress enough that you cannot "nice" her back. Read the 180 as a tool for yourself, contact a lawyer to find out your rights (you don't have to do anything yet), get yourself tested for STDs (very unfortunate but a necessary evil, and start thinking about those daughters of yours because your wife clearly is not. Are they younger or older?

Any thoughts about laying down boundaries and consequences for her actions? Something like this:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp

She is clearly gaslighting and blame shifting which are plays right out of the wayward playbook. Please know that none of this is your fault regardless if you had issues in your M or not.

Stay strong brother. Keep reading. Keep posting.

yop

ETA - just noticed your location. Welcome from another MA resident.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:37 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]

EasyE. Welcome from another MA resident. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but know that you are in the right place.

Your wife sounds like she's still deep in the fog of the affair. She can't see how this is affecting other people (you and your daughters). Right now, all she's thinking about is herself and her own happiness.

You were completely in the right to say everything you said. She needs to see that her affair affects others. No, you becoming complacent does not warrent the affair. You did nothing to chase her to the OM. She did that all on her own.

You're still so new to this. Please don't feel that you have to make any decisions right away. This is going to be a long road.

Taunton is an expensive area, but if it comes down to it and the two of you split, I'm know you'll find ways to survive.

Sending you (((hugs))) and strength.

Please post often, it helps.

not sure how that happened. duplicate post

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:36 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]

Although you feel like you are the only person in the world going through this, you aren't. Look we are over 40thousand strong here.
That's a lot of Affairs. You also feel like your situation is unique, and in some ways it will be, but also know that Waywards tend to do the same things, say the same things, and behave in similar fashion. Because of this, I want to encourage you to read through the library, and read the bullseye posts in Just Found Out. This will give you an idea of how to handle the situation and move forward.

It sounds like you are willing to give R a go, if she can extract her head from her rear. If this is the case know that it takes something earth shattering usually to get a wayward to do this. None of us that have R'd saved our M's by being the nice guy, and becoming a doormat. We R'd because we stood up for ourselves, and demanded the love, respect and honor we deserved.
To do this you really need to operate from a place of knowing what's what, and how this will play out if you have to go down the road to Divorce.
See a lawyer. Get advice, and if it sounds right file for S or D if you think that's gonna be what it takes to knock her off the fence. Right now she hasn't had any consequences for her actions. Until that happens R is difficult from the Betrayed spouse standpoint. Breaking NC is very common, and many WS's struggle with it like they are addicted to it. Severe consequences wake them up. Again filing for D or S, kicking them out of the house. Making them realize that they can't have the best of both worlds.

Stand up for yourself, and be strong for you and your girls.

((((and strength))))

Hey EasyE

Firstly, totally agree with....
She stormed out of the room yelling "sure put me on a guilt trip."
This is absolute BS. She cheated. She should feel guilty. You're not guilt tripping her by pointing out that this affects your family and her daughters. You're absolutely right that it does. She didn't think about that when she cheated because she's selfish. DO NOT let her blame you for the A, feeling bad about it, or in any way for "guilt tripping" her by talking about it.

Secondly, although you'll feel like you should decide right now what to do, you most certainly don't have to.
Read the healing library, chat to as many people on SI as you can (I'm still a newbie to this site, but the people have been fab)
If you have kiddies, seek legal advice too

We were like newlyweds again. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

You made a serious mistake with this. You essentially immediately forgave your wife for her affair, then rewarded her with lots of passion. So obviously, from her perspective what she did wasn't a threat to the marriage and why shouldn't she continue this affair; at least the emotional part?

She never suffered for her adultery; probably you agreed that you were to blame for emotionally checking out. If she thinks that she was wronged by you and the affair was justified, then why shouldn't she think the relationship should continue?

A total load of nonsense of course. Your wife has lost all contact with reality. I am afraid that applying the 180 will permit her to restart the affair; both EA and PA. You will drive her into OM's arms. Next thing he will be flying to your town for more sex.

I agree with Jrazz; get some counseling urgently. If that doesn't work, or she refuses MC, then tell your WW that any further contact with OM will force you to file for divorce. Thats presuming you don't wish to wait out the affair and hope it dies a natural death. Even so, another one will follow with some other opportunistic predator.

Sorry you're here brother.

See a lawyer. Separate your finances. Give her what she wants. Buy her a plane ticket. Arrange her visitation with the children. No court would give primary custody to a parent who illustrates such great responsibility. Estimate how much she will owe you in CS. Pack her bags. Show her, her new reality.

Go *dark*.

Seriously.

I am so confused. I am hurt. I cannot concentrate on anything else. I barely eat. I get 4 hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky. I don't feel strong enough to give the ultimatum because of my kids. She has always been a good mother to them and a good wife to me just up until this year. It was right outbid the blue. If I hadn't started suspecting and snooping you would never have known there was a problem between us. It's so fresh and new. I still ain't process it.

It is fresh 'EasyE' and raw.

So this will take some time. No one here thinks they have time or thinks they can take another minute of this. But we all do it, day by day, minute by minute, one breath at a time.

Your description of your wife is literally 'textbook'. No warnings, no reasons. Great wife, lover, mother, sister daughter, friend. And suddenly an entirely new person that does unbelievable things.

It's good you found SI. Here you will find out that there are others that have gone through almost exactly the same thing and had the same initial reactions you are now. People here will support you, listen to you and help you deal with what is likely the most awful thing you have ever endured. And you will endure.

EasyE....

Everyone here pretty much nailed it. Something to add though. Your instinct is going to be to save the marriage. You are going to do that the logical way. You are going to want to be nice and accommodating.

If you do this she will thoroughly punish you for it. She will stick the knife in and twist as long as you are willing to stand there. My once perfect caring wife turned into a MONSTER. I don't use that word lightly either.

If you are nice you are only giving her an opportunity to continue the affair and hurt you.

On a long enough timeline you will get to the point where you wake up one morning and say to yourself "f&$@ this, she isn't worth it". At that point you will lay down the law and if she is going to change she will.

Like a drug addict she will only change when she has no other option.

So you can do what I did. I told my wife I love you and always will but from now until my death if you contact the OM I am filing for divorce and there is NO turning back. I told her she was free to choose whatever option she wanted and I would be ok with her decision. I let her know though that if she contacted the other man she was CHOOSING to be divorced.

We are reconciled but you know what keeps me up at night? It's not what happened with her and the OM, it's the fact that I had the power to stop it by filing for divorce but chose not to.

I had the power to stop the pain the whole time...

Hey brother,
I just want to say I feel your pain. When I was at your point in the revelation, there was really nothing anybody could say to help.

Drink water. Eat. Force yourself to eat. Don't believe A WORD your wife tells you. I don't care how much you trust her, listen to your gut. If it smells fishy, IT IS.

Listen to the advice these people give you. They are awesome.