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Scubadoo posted 4/29/2014 15:17 PM

My story, where to begin? I found out in October that my husband of 10 years had an eighth month long emotional & physical affair with an old girlfriend. It all began in March of 2013. Facebook was of course the platform for this. (back-story - in 2010 I found them chatting on Facebook, confronted them both, they both agreed it was inappropriate and would not have any further contact.) Now to 2013, my husband claims a classmate from high school had passed away and they got back into contact as a result of this persons passing. We lived in north Florida, she lived in south Florida. In the beginning it was all over the phone and computer. Then how ironic, his job took him to south Florida four days a week starting in June. This is when the physical portion began. Although he was home every Thursday through Sunday afternoon. The job in south Florida only lasted 7 weeks, Thank God. But that was 7 weeks I wish never would have happened. He came back home only to continue the affair by phone. He says he kept trying to end it in September, but she wouldnít stop. From the texts I saw and read that didnít occur until the end of October, then she contacted me 4 days later. She wasnít ready to give him up, so she told him that unless he either left me for her or just continued to talk to her she would tell me. So here we are. She told me. The day I found out I went down to the river and threw my wedding set in. It no longer meant anything to me. I went back home and told him to go, she could have him. I texted her to let her know he was all hers. His phone rang thirty seconds later. He never answered it. He told me he never wanted her. He only wanted me. He said she was the biggest mistake of his life and he regretted it terribly. He wanted our family and that was all. Well she kept texting me and contacting me for the next three days. She was telling me how he only loved her and that he was only staying with me for the kids. She proceeded to send me copies of the 10ís of thousands of texts and messages. I was crushed anew with every one I read. I wanted my family to work, but at what cost to my sanity. We were in the process of moving to another state when she told me. Just two days after I had quit my job for the move. What do I do? I had already trained my replacement at work. We were leaving, was this just the new start we needed? Now here we are 6 months down the road. We are working at it, going through the motions, but it doesnít feel real. I canít even recall if he actually told me he was sorry for his actions. I donít recall a lot of the conversations I had those first few weeks. We are supposed to start couples therapy the second week of May. I am so hoping for some help. I just want to feel alive again. I have written that bitch so many letters and then combined them all together into one 6 page typed freaking essay. I dream about sending it to her a lot, I havenít yet. I want to so bad, but where will it get me? I hate her so much, why donít I feel this way towards him? He is the one that broke the vows to me. She knew about me though, she even stalked me on face book and would text him how jealous she was of me. WTF???? I want every day of her life to be horrible, I want everyone to know what a whore and nasty human being she is. Sorry so long I just havenít told anybody, I donít have anyone to talk to. I just need a friend to lean on. Someone who understands.

Kajem posted 4/29/2014 15:31 PM

We know, unfortunately.

Welcome to the place no one wants to be, yet it is a place of healing.

Read the healing library, lots of great information there.

Don't forget to eat, hydrate, and take care of you as best you can. Keep posting lots of us have walked this path.

Others will be along soon,


devasted30 posted 4/29/2014 15:32 PM

Hi. I understand. We all do. Welcome to the club no one wants to belong too. We are here. We will help. It's so hard being betrayed by the person you trusted the most. We all know that. We are here to vent to, we are here when you need to yell or cry or just to, no make that need to talk to someone who understands. You are safe here. We have all been where you are. Some of us are further along in our journey. Some of us are happy and surviving again. I am not there yet. But, I am trying. We are all trying. So please, you are safe here. Let us help you like everyone here has helped me. You can get through this.

confused615 posted 4/29/2014 15:37 PM

Hi Honey. Welcome.

That you can't remember if he ever apologized is a glaring issue. He should still be apologizing every single day. Those early conversations you can't remember? It's because finding out you have been betrayed is traumatizing. So those conversations you had early on don't really count, because being in shock, you had trouble retaining the information.

You say you're going through he motions. What is he doing to show you he wants to R?

You should be talking about this..this early out you should talk about it every day, or at least, several times a week.

He should be answering all of your questions without anger or blame.

Is he 100% transparent? Do you have full access to all of his accounts, his phone, and all passwords?

Did he get tested for STD's?

Has he been to IC to figure out his "why" and his issues? I strongly recommend he see an IC for awhile before you start MC.

Did he send a NC email to OW? Did you see it?

Has he blocked her from being able to contact him?

Don't send her that letter. Post it here. Sending her a letter telling her how her affair with your husband has affected her will only empower her. FTB.(FuckThatBitch)

Im so sorry you are dealing with this. But so glad you've found us. We understand..we care.


Breezy150 posted 4/29/2014 15:40 PM

Nothing makes any sense in the beginning, you go into survival mode. Do just that, take care of yourself. This is his crap to clean up and help you heal from. You worry about you and your kids and give the emotions even more time to settle.

(((Hugs))) sorry you are here.

Guinness23 posted 4/29/2014 15:42 PM


You have come to the right place for friends. There are over 43,000 members in the world that have lived this nightmare and can understand.

They say this is place you never wanted to be part of but are glad you joined. Why is that? Because this shit takes a special kind of understanding normal people can't grasp until they are living it themselves.

First off, you need to know that you are NOT to blame for ANY OF THIS. All marriages have trouble but that is NO excuse for this nightmare.

I hate her so much, why donít I feel this way towards him? He is the one that broke the vows to me. She knew about me though, she even stalked me on face book and would text him how jealous she was of me. WTF???? I want every day of her life to be horrible, I want everyone to know what a whore and nasty human being she is.

As hard as it is, you NEED for yourself and your future to reign in that anger. You DO NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING that will ruin more of your life because of her.

Karma catches up to them. I promise you that. 5 years out, 3 years post divorce, and the the OW in my scenario is celebrating a birthday today. She is 28. She is pushing 30. Time for a new model. She cranked out 3 illegitmate kids to my exH. She is the cheapest babysitter he will ever find. What is her reality now that she won the "prize" about? I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall to know how happy she is today.

OW and OM seem to be born with problems from the getgo. They are part of the "defective merchandise" batch. You need to treat this broad like a second or defective. HOLD your husband more accountable than her, really. People like her are damaged goods. She owes you nothing.


Big Hugs

Scubadoo posted 4/29/2014 20:56 PM

Wow. Thank you all for the comments.

I asked him point blank again tonight if he apologized to me. He said yes honey on multiple occasions. Well I can't remember one I say. His response "Are we going to go through this again?" I deflate. Me "I'm sorry just having one of those days." Him "I don't want to talk about it, it's over. Let's just move on." He believes it's water under the bridge. This is why it has taken so long to start therapy. He thinks it will hurt us more than help us. I do however have access and passwords to everything. I know of his every movement. I am a stay at home mom now. Nothing to do but track him. It also gives me a lot of alone time to think and dwell. Evil Evil alone time.

lilacs40 posted 4/29/2014 21:07 PM

I'm so sorry you're here but glad you found us.

Him saying that its over and done with is him trying to sweep it under the rug. Do not let him do that. It will only mean trouble down the road. Take it from someone who has been there.

There's a couple of threads you should read. They are tactical primer before you say reconcile and great posts for newbies to read. You might find them helpful.

He needs to find his why before any healing can take place. Yours or his.

Please know as others have said everyone is here and ready to listen and offer advice.

Take care of yourself. Drink and eat even if you don't feel like it. No matter what happens you will get through this. Have you been to IC? You should consider if you haven't.

Kajem posted 4/29/2014 21:13 PM

Gives you more time to spend with us!

He sounds like he's rugsweeping the affair. The only thing rugsweeping does is put a pile of dirt where someone can trip over it! It's not being dealt with like swept out the door, so it gets to be dealt with another time.

Hugs, we are here for you. When you need us.


norabird posted 4/29/2014 21:35 PM

It will hurt you more than it helps you? Oh hell no. It is impossible to move forward without dealing with this. Dealing with it fully. The timeline on SI is understood to be 2-5 years. And there are members who rug swept years ago, never addressing it, and it hasn't saved them -- the betrayed partner still hurts, still is stuck.

If he has remorse, he will do anything he can for your healing--that means letting you talk about your triggers and fears and explaining how he could do this and how he will make sure it does not happen again. It's good you have access to his whereabouts...but it is not enough. He needs to come to the table and discuss what happened. Both of you should get IC and start to do the real work of R. It's not easy--it's very hard--but it is possible if you both commit to it. And his commitment by the way needs to be at 110%.

There is a thread titled 'what every WS should know' (or something) in the wayward forum--start with having him read that and also 'Helping your spouse heal after an affair'. Sorry, not totally sure on that title either, but these are good starting points.

jjct posted 4/30/2014 05:51 AM

Here's one of the threads nora was recommending:

Do not allow him to stuff this and rugsweep.
"Are we going to talk about this again?" should be answered with the world's nastiest stinkeye, a few steps to the door, and a finger pointing to gtf OUT.
Stand your ground.
You deserve respect.

How 'bout stop cooking and doing laundry for this unremorseful lout?
When he asks why you're not "serving him" - you should respond;
"Are we going to talk about this again?"
and ignore his sorry, cake-eating ass.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/30/2014 08:01 AM

I asked him point blank again tonight if he apologized to me. He said yes honey on multiple occasions. Well I can't remember one I say. His response "Are we going to go through this again?" I deflate. Me "I'm sorry just having one of those days." Him "I don't want to talk about it, it's over. Let's just move on." He believes it's water under the bridge. This is why it has taken so long to start therapy. He thinks it will hurt us more than help us.

Wow. He's unbelieveably selfish, completely unremorseful, and has absolutely ZERO compassion for you and the pain you're in. Zero.

Don't EVER apologize to him again for your feelings or for bringing up his affair. I find it pretty ironic that he chooses to now call it a 'mistake' only AFTER he had his 7 weeks of fun down in South Florida. What a crock of crap. He clearly thought it was just fine and would have taken it to the grave with him had that pesky, bigmouthed OW not blabbed to you about it. So it's pretty clear where his mind is at.

Call me crazy, but I would expect a cheater to be a little more humble and a little less arrogant towards the person whose given them the gift of forgiveness. Instead, your husband is barking orders at you to shut up and stop bringing up his sleazy behavior and telling you how you should feel.

He truly is the epitome of selfish and self-entitled.

Good luck to you.

Dadtryingtocope posted 4/30/2014 08:40 AM

Post and read and read and read here. Get to IC and allow yourself to talk out your feelings. At the end of the tunnel you will make whatever decision is best for you and your kids. Many of us here have walked that path. Many of us are still on it. We can give you advice, tell you our stories and you will never feel alone. I will tell you most of us could not stay married to a cheater. Once that trust was broken it was broken. There are some here that have reconciled (R). They will likely tell you that is a lot of work as well. Your husband is definitely rug sweeping. He is not attending to your feelings. He should be willing to do whatever you want to feel better, help heal, etc. If he wants to reconcile he has to work hard at gaining back some level of trust with you. He has to work at it. Remember that. If he is not willing to do the work then most of us would feel he is not truly committed to R. Even with that you may find the cheating was a deal breaker. That is your call and only your call. Good luck as you work through your feelings. It will get better as most will tell you here.

Scubadoo posted 4/30/2014 09:32 AM

Wow, I feel stronger already. I wish I would have found this site sooner. I couldn't sleep last night so I got back up and found the posts Norabird was referring to. I couldn't stop reading. I printed the entire article and set it on the kitchen table with his reading glasses and his coffee cup. I left a personal note on top that said please read this, do not skip any parts, lets just say your marriage depends on it. It was gone when I got up this morning. I sent a text and asked if he got it. He said he has it and will read it. Fingers crossed.
I never realized until last night how many times a day I apologize to him for something I think I did wrong. I am constantly trying to make sure everything is just perfect for him. Like I am trying to win him back from her everyday. I hate how much power she holds over me.

Brain spasm coming:

I think this is also very strange that after he supposedly confessed his love to her and I have read all the texts where he wrote it, I can't imagine how many times he spoke it to her. That he just turns off all emotion to her. Is that weird that I feel he gave her up just a little too easily? That he can just turn off feelings like a light switch. Has he really? Is he hiding his emotions? Or maybe he really never felt that way towards her. So many questions. If he could do that to her, will he do that to me? Could he do that to me? Does he really love me?
Drowning in my own mind!!

jjct posted 4/30/2014 10:28 AM

Love is more than saying - it's showing...

So you ask "Could he do it?"
The answer is
He Already Did.

Think about this question: "Does he really love me?"
How do his actions answer that?

The real question is:
Do you love you?

You have to love yourself enough to stop tolerating selfish bullshit.

norabird posted 4/30/2014 14:36 PM

Unfortunately often waywards will 'give in' on NC and immediately take the A underground. They want to have their cake and eat it too.

Now that you see you are walking on eggshells, you are in a great place. Identifying the problem is the first step in stopping the behavior. He does not deserve any apologies from you, about anything, and if he were remorseful, you would be the one getting apologies non-stop. Think about how backwards that is and let your anger empower you to take your strength back!

As for the feeling of going're not alone! The back and forth thoughts gave me whiplash at fist. It DOES get better. We have your back on the journey.


BreatheAgain10 posted 4/30/2014 17:38 PM

He sounds like he's rugsweeping the affair. The only thing rugsweeping does is put a pile of dirt where someone can trip over it! It's not being dealt with like swept out the door, so it gets to be dealt with another time.

This is ABSOLUTELY TRUE! Just happened with my fWH and I this month. We are 4 years out. He ( and I to a certain degree) got tired of talking about his A. He tried to be transparent and patient but many times he grew frustrated bc he expected me to get over it quickly as he did... Ha! As if HE was the one hurting so effing deeply.
Anyhow, we rugswept much of the details that I still needed to make sense of the issues. I grew tired of feeling like I was dragging things out of him and frustrating him more. I gave up even tho we shoulda sought counseling. We should've kept on until I was satisfied with our timeline. He was being honest, but he would just get so tired of me bringing it up.
Fast fwd to now. Four years later ( DDay anti-versary was yesterday), we both thought I was healing just fine these last couple years. Triggers were few and far between. We were happy and solid enough to have our baby #3 (due in June). Then BAM! April 1st rolls around and all of a sudden triggers start occurring more often. Daily and more powerful and painful than they had been in years.
I learned that it was all bc we rugswept the need to dig deeper into the WHY of it all. I didn't want to keep making waves anymore. It ended up coming back to haunt me anyways. Read some of my posts (in my profile) about what I went thru bc we didn't deal with it back when we should have.
Good thing is, now my fWH realizes that rugsweeping wasn't the right way to heal and were working on correcting it now all these years later.
I really hope you and your WH can address this problem NOW when YOU need it so you can avoid the PTSD flashbacks I've recently had to overcome seemingly outta nowhere.

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 5:38 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

Skan posted 4/30/2014 19:38 PM

Hey there, welcome.

Look, you need to talk about this and process it until you don't need to anymore. And he had better man up and give you what you need, or just admit that he's a selfish asshole with no pretentions of being a decent human being. He went out and BANGED a crazy Ho, who tortured you by flooding your email/phone with all of his unicorn-fart fantasy love emails! He put your health AT RISK by screwing OW, which essentially meant that he screwed every other person who got between her legs, and bringing that home to YOU! He very well could have given you a STD/HIV, and now you get the OhSoJoyous job of calling your health provider and asking them for a complete panel of blood work plus the follow-up blood work. Which is something that he needs to do as well no matter how much he tells you that he had safe sex. Tell him to google "oral stds" if he tries to tell you that using a condom means safe sex then don't stand between him and the bathroom.

Listen. You're in shock. Still. You're operating in survival mode. And will for a very long, long time. You NEED to hear things over and over again, because frankly, you, as was I, will be incapable of retaining a lot of what you hear. IMO, it's a survival and protective mechanism that your brain does for you, to try to shield you a bit from the horrible reality.

Get angry. Get angry at him. You should be angry at him. He is the one that betrayed your vows. He is the one that brought an outsider into your marriage, and a crazy one at that. He is being an un-repentant fool and is trying to FORCE you to accept the unacceptable. And those attempts at rugsweeping and deflection should be met with the utter contempt that they deserve.

Come back often for support. We've got your back.

4everfaithful83 posted 4/30/2014 19:46 PM

oh man! YES! What SKAN said!! 100%

who tortured you by flooding your email/phone with all of his unicorn-fart fantasy love emails!

I literally LOL.

SKAN is right! Get mad! You have the power right now!

Scubadoo posted 4/30/2014 22:18 PM

Holy Smokes Batman. I owe so much to this site already!!!! Just had the most amazing, painful, and honest conversation with my WH that we have ever had. I stated earlier that I had printed out the post about what every WS should know and gave it to WH to eat for breakfast. My oh My he read it this evening while waiting for me to get home from DD cheer practice. I was away for four hours so he said he actually read it twice. He started the conversation with me, by apologizing, for real. He apologized for everything, by name!! IE.. rug sweeping, ignoring, defensive behavior. He said he was sorry because he had no real idea what I was going through. He said he knew he had hurt me, but just thought that ignoring and moving forward as fast as we could was the best medicine. He admitted it was sure working for him. He hated answering my questions because he said it made him feel bad. I told him to suck it up buttercup how do you think I feel EVERY DAMN DAY!! I asked him questions and he finally answered them. Holy shit did some of them hurt, but yet it was also a huge freaking relief. Like I have read on some other posts my mind movies were way worse. He said he knows we have a long road, but it is a road he really really wants to go down with me. He almost recited the entire article word for word to me. I was impressed, I didn't let on to him though. He thanked me, honest to God thanked me for giving it to him. He said he wants to read it again and again. He said he now sees that he could probably benefit from IC as well as MC. He liked the part about you can change therapists if you don't feel the right fit. He just assumed you only get one shot. Gosh I'm beginning to babble. I just for the first time in 6 months have a true sliver of hope. I also read him the letter I have written to the whore, it actually made him cry. He cried right in front of me and apologized again. Real tears, the ones that roll right out of your eyes no matter how. hard you try to keep them in. I enjoyed that. A little sick part inside me smiled at his pain. I would love to share my letter, but it is not totally mine. I searched over the internet and found other letters that were written and I borrowed, stole, and paraphrased a lot. Made it my own, yet probably still recognizable by all the original authors. But it tells my story also. Thank you all for listening yet again. You all are helping so much, and so fast. The real test comes as we leave to head for Disney tomorrow for 5 days. DD has her largest Cheer Competition of the season this weekend. And I have to be with him for 120 uninterrupted hours, I warned him that I watch Dexter and know how to hide a body. LOL

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