Years ago, I would have been confident that he'd come through. Now--not so much. She might miss her first event. And I realized I've lost a lot of my confidence in him. I spent so many years getting angry and focusing on the worst that it has become habit.
He's on this site, but I don't think he'll read this. He only comes here when I remind him to. I want the confidence back.
DDay #1: June 9, 2012
Dday #2 (TT): November 29, 2012
DDay #3 (The BIG one, ALL the TT): March 30, 2013
False R: June 12, 2012 - March 21, 2013
REAL R: March 21, 2013 - present
Bumbling, I am struggling with how you posted on your wife's thread. You bumped this thread after several days just to make your point. You are the reason your wife doesn't trust or have confidence in you. And its going to take a long time and a lot of effort on your part for her to regain it. Each time you flub up, even by accident, will cause your BS to falter.
Do you have posting boundaries here on SI? Because she should be allowed to vent her frustrations and hurt without worrying about sass from you. Even if she did call out your name. She is hurt. She is frustrated. Don't shame her. Don't put her "back in her place". This is her safe place. Or should be.
You should be communicating face to face with your wife GENTLY. Not via forums and social media. Show her thru your actions that you have changed. Don't give her words. Give actions.
And as far as what other BS say....yes. There are many who say WS don't deserve trust or whatever. Those people usually have multiple Ddays and TT. So yeah, they're a little gunshy. However, I know MANY BSs here. Yes they are hurt and angry, but they are kind, beautiful people. I am a WS. And those I have befriended and even met in person have been amazing. I am human to them. They don't see my failures. They see me.
"That narrative is no longer accurate for me"? Show your wife. With actions. Not words.
Give her respect. And the ability to vent. Without you butting in.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:02 AM, May 31st (Saturday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
I see a lot of reinforcement here of the idea that FWH are awful people, not worthy of respect, or trust and unwilling to put forth any effort.
A lot? Really? I've been here since early 2011 and this was pretty much my training ground for how FWS's are worthy of respect and trust and effort... the key word being "Former."
I understand that there is a lot of anger and hurt directed at Waywards in general, but after newish members have calmed down, they see that there is a lot to be learned about forgiveness for both parties here. Worthiness is key - you don't get handed a cookie for saying you're sorry and then asking what's for dinner.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 5:14 PM, May 30th (Friday)]
This is a safe place, where feelings are expressed, where sympathy is given, by people who have BTDT.
Before the A, I would have bet my life on my H. Now, even though he has changed the narrative of his life, I have to recover from the fact that he has altered the entire narrative of mine. Everything I believed true about him was a lie. He was not who I believed him to be. The man I believed he was would never have betrayed me. So now I know he is capable of that - he is capable of anything. He is capable of dropping all kinds of balls - no pun intended. My blind confidence in him was smashed by his deception, selfishness and brutal abuse of my love and my trust.
That should not be at all surprising that this would require extensive time for healing.
As well, there are FWS who can identify with you.
If you go to a church, you would basically know it's nothing but a big A.A. meeting. A lot of dysfunctional people with pains, discomfort and real hang ups.
This is like that except it focuses on one category. And people fall on one side or the other but I can tell the honest goal is to get things better than what they were for BS, until a certain point.
Once that point has been crossed they give up, because they tried everything they could, but were left with no options. You should feel good that she has a place to vent, and even though, yes, you will feel attack, you should realize, you are not being judge as in being labeled that forever. There will be a time that you won't be even consider a WH, but just a simple husband, provide that you do what is necessary on your part.
By hurting the spouses, you have to figure YOU lost a lot of what was given out of love. Now it's time to prove that you can do what it takes and then some.
Also, if she posts things on here, I would recommend take it as ammo to better arm yourself to do better in the future. It's hard not to get defensive, but realize, who's the source...
[This message edited by LostSamurai at 5:37 PM, May 30th (Friday)]
Well I think that you might be confusing FWS and WS. There are many stories here about unremorseful spouses. I don't know your story nor your wife's to the extent that I have any expertise on how remorseful you've been nor if she see's you as a FWS like you do. What I can see from her short post is that she is still trying to heal. She lacks the confidence in you still that she once held for you.
That is a fact from her mouth. That isn't something that a poster put in her mind. Learning to trust again. Learning to be vulnerable after being deceived. Having the person you love the most in the world break the biggest promise that anyone has ever made to you is traumatic. Her last discovery of your affair was only a year ago in what often takes 3-5 years to heal from. I see from your posts that you went to great lengths to correct your forgetting to tell your daughter about the track meet. I can sense from you that you desire to have your marriage back and to not want to lose your spouse. For this reason, you should be ready to keep helping her heal. Keep proving to her how you've changed and you're wanting this marriage to work. For your actions with and around your wife will set the tone for your future together. The stuff here won't do that if your actions positive. I hope that you continue to take the opportunities to help her heal. That is what she sounds like she wants.
[This message edited by MovingUpward at 5:39 PM, May 30th (Friday)]
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Before the A, I would have bet my life on my H. Now, even though he has changed the narrative of his life, I have to recover from the fact that he has altered the entire narrative of mine. Everything I believed true about him was a lie. He was not who I believed him to be. The man I believed he was would never have betrayed me. So now I know he is capable of that - he is capable of anything. . . My blind confidence in him was smashed by his deception, selfishness and brutal abuse of my love and my trust.
JustForgave, I'm not as confident any more either, that WH will come through. You're not alone with these thoughts!
Maybe it's subtle, but it's caustic to our marriage.
I totally understand that I've broken her trust. I lied to get what I felt like I needed at the time, and I'm completely open and honest with my wife now. I'm working on fixing the damage I did. This situation stung for me because I've always been pretty good at getting things done, and I've always been an involved and supportive dad. It's part of my identity I've been proud of. For the damaged trust to splash into that part of my life hurt.
As for Plainpain's assertion, "This is not a place where people come to be shamed or silenced," I have no intention of silencing or shaming my wife for having feelings I helped create or expressing herself, and I appreciate the intent to make this a safe place. If you can see some truth to my perspective that some of the words on this page are increasing my wife's doubts in me, and that such a thing is likely to hurt our connection, it naturally leads to the idea that I have to push back against those voices of doubt to fight for my marriage to succeed. I'm not trying to say STFU to anyone, I'm fighting for my marriage.
it naturally leads to the idea that I have to push back against those voices of doubt to fight for my marriage to succeed. I'm not trying to say STFU to anyone, I'm fighting for my marriage.
You cannot control other people. You cannot silence other people. You control you.
When we came to SI I became an active poster. My husband lurks. He read a lot of stuff and talked about some threads that struck fear in my heart. Because even though I was doing A, those thoughts and threads made him think B. Oh well. I put those doubts in his head. He had every right to question. Ultimately, he watched my actions. My words and actions lined up. The doubts in his heart started to settle down and finally disappear. "The voices" here didn't win. They didn't overpower him. He was a big boy and saw for himself that one person's opinion, while strong, didn't necessarily line up with the action at home. I had to give up control. Give up the fear. He is free to make his own choices. Just like your wife. Do you think she is incompetent to make her own informed choices? Just trying to understand your drive to "be right" and "prove" stuff on *her* threads.
Seeing spouses comment on and take over the other spouses threads really grinds my gears. Makes me wonder if that is the same dynamic at home. One yells above the other till they cant hear themselves think.
[This message edited by Unagie at 5:45 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
No longer together
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
[This message edited by MissesJai at 5:57 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
Where I am at right now. In my situation. I dont see how love can exist without trust. And since trust is broken. What does that mean for the future M?
People come here to talk because its a SAFE place. You just took that away from JustForgave.
Let her have a safe place to express herself and receive support from others who have a common experience. We all know to not put too much weight on the opinions of others here. But still we value other points of view. We use each other as sounding boards.
It seems you dont like some of the posts you see in reply to what JustForgave wrote. And you want to intercede. To me that sounds like you are trying to control not only what JustForgave says but what she hears as well.
Your affair took control of her life away from her. Now she needs to sort it all out and make some choices. Its not right IMO that you should seek to control her again.
If you actually love JustForgave then allow her to make her own choices.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
and made them harder and more absolute ("can't be trusted.")
I'm curious, how much reading are you doing on this site?
You put the betrayed spouse through over NINE months of trickle truth. Having a poster describe a wandering spouse with that track record as someone that "can't be trusted" is a pretty mild rebuke.
Those "caustic" comments are not the problem. Cheating and nine months of trickle truth are the problem.
I'm a betrayed spouse. I have a pretty long track record of posting on the Wayward forum in SUPPORT of Waywards working to rebuild their marriages. There are lots of folks just like me that want to see healing for betrayed spouses AND waywards.
Here's a suggestion, do with it what you will.
One of the things my wife and I have really worked on since getting remarried (she divorced me without me knowing there was an A) is "Listening with good intent". We had gotten into a habit, pre A and pre divorce, of making all sorts of negative assumptions. Now, we actively say to ourselves "What is the best possible way I can "hear" that statement." The truth is that most of time the best version of how you can hear something is really the intended message.
So, in this case here was the comment you had issue with "It sucks when the one we are supposed to trust the most can't be trusted."
What is the best possible way to hear that if you assume the poster is saying it with good intent.
Here's my take. "My wife must still be feeling a lot of pain for this track meet issue with our daughter to strike a nerve in such a way to create a post like this one. That poster says I can't be trusted. My wife posted this thread about lacking confidence in me. I know I'm trying to make her feel safe, but this tells me that the work is far from done and I'll keep on working at it because I love her and don't want her to feel this pain."
You CAN read that "can't be trusted" post and take that away from it if you choose to do so. Or, you can be defensive as you have been.
[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 8:07 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
A WS drains, and overdraws, the confidence bank on DDay. Your eroded confidence in WH is totally understandable, especially after several months of TT and false R. I'm sorry you were triggered by what was, probably, an honest mistake that he ultimately rectified. But I'm also detecting optimism in you, because you said you want the confidence back! What can he do to rebuild that?
Bumbling: see what I just did there? I validated her feelings, apologized, and found a silver lining. Is that something you think you could try, instead of defending your actions and interpreting support for your BW as destructive and caustic?
For the damaged trust to splash into that part of my life hurt.
Yeah, it does, and I've felt the same exact way, but choices have consequences...and blowback is one. This thread isn't about supporting you, though. If you want to be understood, c'mon over to Wayward.