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JML09 posted 4/29/2014 16:57 PM

I'm 5 years out. There have been minor slip ups but the first 3 years were great, I thought we were better. Now I guess not. For the last month he has checked out. He's cruel and sarcastic, just like he was prior to dday. He has said things in front of my kids like "Your mom wasn't a virgin when she was your age" Why say that other than to humiliate me. I swore that I would never live this way again and yet here I am. I'm afraid I don't have the courage to do what I need to. I'm afraid...of everything. I have a public service-type job and make very little money, which he constantly reminds me of, we are currently renting and I couldn't afford to stay but I can't afford another place on my own. I'm afraid of the hurt that's ahead of me and how horribly he will treat me. I'm afraid of the hurt my 3 daughters will feel. I'm afraid I will make this decision and regret it. I don't know what to do.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/29/2014 17:41 PM

Sorry that you are in this position.

I wish I could tell you that I have been in your position, but I can't. I can however, tell you that you will survive no matter what happens. I have had many of the same concerns regarding surviving and paying bills/mortgage/child costs/etc. by myself. I have restructured my budget to make sure I can afford the things that I need to and have found cheaper ways to live. Luckily I have had people step up and offer to help me in a variety of ways.

In regards to you possibly regretting a decision, just know that once you need to make a decision, you will know it. I was struggling for a few months with my decision and then in the matter of about one week, things came together. I made a decision, I feel good about it and I am moving forward.

I hope the same for you and just know we are all here for you as much as we can.

Take Care of yourself.

Jrazz posted 4/29/2014 17:45 PM

I'm so sorry, JML09. What does your IRL support look like? Friends, family, lawyers, counseling...

Maybe you can start to build yourself a safety net while you decide what you need to do. Take little steps. Find people who can help you if/when you decide you need to make the leap.

I get the same feeling that you do - that if you start to end it he will be even more thoughtless and cruel than he already is, but you can't stay with him because you're afraid of him. That's no life. Your kids see how he behaves and they know it's not ok. Nobody who gave a damn about the right thing will blame you, and it doesn't even matter what other people think anyway.

Keep posting - we're here for you. You CAN get out of this if you need to - like so many who have gone before you.


sparkysable posted 4/30/2014 11:48 AM

That is no way to live.

Jennifer99 posted 4/30/2014 13:16 PM

The more scared I became the more I realized that D was the only real option for me.

I worked each week with a counselor to overcome my fear (until I lost my insurance).

Then I filed.

Guess what? None of what I feared happened (yet anyway).

I'm doing ok.

I am pregnant and due in June and still have to work out a place to live which occassionally freaks me out, thats like a month from now. But the way everything else has fallen into place and seemed to just "go" in my favor - I'm hopeful.

Really? I've faced homeless before, even with a baby (my son who is now 11).

I made it then. I'll make it again.

Hang in there.

Be afraid. Its ok. It isn't pleasant but its honest.

It is also motivating if you don't become the deer in the headlights.

Try finding the smallest fear first and see what you can do to face it, work past it, or set it aside. Then do the next smallest one. Pretty soon you'll be climbing giant walls of fear and laughing when you slide down the other side.

Its an incredible feeling to overcome it.

JML09 posted 4/30/2014 14:57 PM

Thank you everyone. I guess sometimes it just help to talk to people who are going through the same thing and to know I can come out of the other side of this.

I think the first step is counseling, I need strategies to help me face the reality of my situation. He treats me this way because I allow him to but I have no idea how to break the cycle.

[This message edited by JML09 at 3:00 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

LifeIsBroken posted 4/30/2014 17:28 PM

Your 'story' is the fear I had that prodded me to make the decision to D. I was fearful the cheating wouldn't stop (for very good reason) and knew I couldn't take going through one more D-Day, one more lie. I've lost my home, I've lost my lifestyle, I've moved half way across the country…. but I no longer have a cheating, lying husband in my life. The lack of his daily drama alone is a relief. I'm sad that 35 yrs together, 35 yrs of love and family, went down the drain but I'm relieved to no longer have to live his nightmare. We get through it, somehow. You may be surprised at the people who will come to your aid when the truth gets out. I was. Friends I didn't know I had were there for me. My location has changed but my life is no longer the mess it became with him. You can't save your M by yourself. There comes a time when you have to bail in order to save yourself. (((( ))))

nowiknow23 posted 4/30/2014 17:36 PM

JML - We all understand, honey. Believe me. We get it. ((((hugs))))

I'm bumping a thread for you about fear vs reality. No magic answers there, but I think it's a very helpful read.

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