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Do you think WS leaves marriage becuase of guilt?

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Acer0112 posted 4/29/2014 17:37 PM

I ask only because in my situation, WH did not spend much time working on 'us' after I confronted him on the A. He spent a month with NC, and then has reconnected, as a friend he says, whatever, but there is texting and calling everyday with the OP again.

We are working on separation details and moving towards D. It's pretty final.

We had a heated argument today because we were discussing points we will be talking with family counselor and kids tonight on. Kids were needing more 'details'. I couldn't help but say, I am sad because I feel like we didn't work on 'us' enough to know if we could get to a better place. That he quit and reconnected with OP too fast. He went on to say that he worked on us for the last five years and I couldn't been clueless and think we had something great. I'm hung up on the A and not the real issues. His one OP - EA/PA - he calls "ejector affair" that happened this past winter was just a symptom. I've heard all of this 'justification' and know there were issues, but he could have talked to me before having an A. Period.

So he cooled down and said that he will have regrets if he stayed, and if we D. That I deserve better, that he will always regret the A instead of communicating. And I also know he had inappropriate strip club visits in 2012, and he admits that was cheating too. At least he had some remorse

But it made me think, is it easier for him to end our marriage instead of looking at me everyday thinking about the A and the cheating?

Strange indeed. Sad, and I agree with him, I do deserve better, it's just the process of letting go of the love and dreams and loss of our family unit that is still so painful.

karmahappens posted 4/29/2014 17:49 PM

He could be feeling guilty.

He could also be a coward and want to D, but not be man enough to step up and state it.

You may never know.

He is telling you he is done. He is continuing with the A, at least emotionally. It hurts, it is shitty and the pain is unbearable. You will heal though.

I would stop talking about anything but kids and finances. Let him go and start to work on you and your healing.

You cannot R alone and right now he is saying he is done.

Take care of you and the kids.


LeftOutintheCold posted 4/29/2014 18:08 PM

I would have to say that it's a strong possibility. I only say that because of my own situation. My WH left the very night he came home and told me about the A. As time has passed, he still refuses to talk to me for any long periods of time because it "upsets" him and he's forced to feel guilty about his actions.

I feel strongly that my WH is not coming back because he is too much of a coward to face what he's done and to try to fix it.

Ostrich80 posted 4/29/2014 18:14 PM

That I deserve better, that he will always regret the A instead of communicating

I think he's a coward and not saying what he wants to say.
Plus he's telling you he was basically putting you on trial for the last 5 year's to see if the m was worth saving, just one thing he forgot, to tell you. That's utter bullshit on his part.
I think he was seeing.ow longer than yes claimed which pushed him into making you the villain and now he's saying the A was because of you not passing the 5 yr test? I think there's way more to the story that he's not wanting you to know because then it would place blame on the real culprit..him.
That's just my take but I may have missed something as your profile didnt give much detail.
This is not your fault and.please don't accept the shit he's throwing you. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Please take care and call him on his shit. He's sounds pretty arrogant to me, not guiltridden. Jus my two cents

I read your other post and your ws has a few traits like mine...I guess that's what compelled me to post.
(Acer). I'm sorry your in pain. I know the shock is unbearable at times. I guess his behavior reminds of my ws cocky attitude during the A. He's just not being very nice to you, he's basically throwing in the towel and could be a lot more compassionate to those suffering from the fallout.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 6:19 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]

womaninflux posted 4/29/2014 18:34 PM

My guess is that it's at least in part because of guilt, although I'm sure some WS STAY in a marriage because of guilt just as often, at least at first. I think mine did.

It's easier to tell yourself you are "wiping the slate clean" than get in touch with your feelings and work on the relationship with your spouse. If you do the work, worst case scenario, you can have a better co-parenting relationship and have some insight into your self as a partner that you can take with you as you move forward. Best case, you respect one another again and have a chance at reconciliation. Personally, I believe everyone benefits by doing some work on themselves.

If your WS is handling this like you described, this next relationship he's in is doomed but you know that already. Anyway, probably time to just work on things that make you happy and start moving forward make the best of a less than ideal situation.

one2ndchance posted 4/29/2014 21:07 PM

WH did not spend much time working on 'us' after I confronted him on the A

He isn't leaving because of guilt. When someone feels guilty they respond with regret and sorrow. Attempts are made to make restitution to the injured party. He didn't do that.

He wants to be with the OP and yes, this was an exit affair. Unfortunately, he checked out of your marriage a long time ago and was too much of a coward to tell you he wanted out.

It IS heartbreaking...for you and your innocent children.

Vulcanized posted 4/30/2014 02:27 AM

is it easier for him to end our marriage instead of looking at me everyday thinking about the A and the cheating?

It's easier for him to blame you and walk away rather than face himself. Of course he doesn't want to think about it: then he has to face the fact that he's a liar, a coward and a cheater.

Protect yourself, Acer.

Start the process. That may be enough to force his head out of his ace. Or not. Either way, you have your answer.


bigskyblues posted 4/30/2014 03:49 AM

Some times it is guilt, some times it is because they cant look themselves in the mirror because they do know they are messed up but wont admit it. Some times it is just the thrill of unicorn land.

Often the wayward will contact you either just after or prior to the divorce and tell you they have changed their mind. Be prepared for that. In my case my xww contacted me and said she had always loved me, and if I walked in the door she would wrap her arms around me and never let go. I told her too late I have already moved on, and to never bring it up again because it just causes pain.

Wish you the best!

Skye posted 4/30/2014 07:37 AM

Maybe. I believe my husband, the cheater, stays because of guilt. Living with me is truly a punishment, and I think he believes he deserves that.

womaninflux posted 4/30/2014 20:43 PM

Skye - if you really think that...what do you think YOU deserve?

I wanted to add to my post that many people check out of their marriages and then have affairs but that doesn't mean the marriage can't be saved. My husband said he told the OW when he finally broke it off with her 2 months after DD that he feels like he never gave our marriage a chance. He's right...the day after we got married it was like he turned into a different person or was in some sort of altered state.

I would not declare my marriage "saved" at this point but I would not call my husband's affair an exit affair, either. If he wanted to leave, he would have gone (and made another huge mistake but that would have been for him to figure out).

Skye posted 5/1/2014 17:08 PM

...if you really think that...what do you think YOU deserve?

Interesting question. I have the life of a single woman, but with the advantage that I'm being supported! I don't have to work so I get to spend every single day having fun. I have family, good friends, and satisfying activities in my life. I have financial security that I wouldn't have if I left. Life is good.

My husband, the cheater, is a wonderful "butler." He keeps up his share of the house and yard and cars and I don't have to pay for that. I admit I miss being married, but if I were lucky enough to meet a man (who doesn't need a nurse, since I'm old), I'd go for it.

justinpaintoday posted 5/1/2014 18:00 PM

My WW has been pretty cold but when she does soften the guilt floods her. I think she is leaving partly due to guilt and partly her new warped reality. There have been times the guilt breaks through. Now she is just trying to demonize me so she can relieve her own pain.sad really

Oftencheatedon posted 5/1/2014 19:56 PM

Often I would compare it to someone who stays in a job they don't like just waiting until they get a "better" offer.

Sadly this affects real people's lives - it is terribly unfair to the discarded spouse and the children.

Oftencheatedon posted 5/1/2014 19:56 PM

Often I would compare it to someone who stays in a job they don't like just waiting until they get a "better" offer.

Sadly this affects real people's lives - it is terribly unfair to the discarded spouse and the children.

crazynot posted 5/2/2014 03:47 AM

Sometimes they just leave... mine left because he fell in love and five years later he still is. The pain and devastation were indescribable at the time for me and the kids but we are all well now and leading happy lives without him. This is the worst thing. What I'm appalled about (and it happened with me too) is that they seem to have to justify themselves by heaping all the blame on their awful marriages. I absolutely admit that our relationship had suffered for years... but I always wanted to talk and work on it - he was the one who avoided big conversations. I honestly wish we had had that conversation and it had ended in a mutual decision to divorce... that would have been much easier on our kids than what eventually happened, the lies, the betrayal, the loss of belief in their father.

I'm so sorry for you and your kids. The pain is dreadful but it DOES fade. Take all the help you can from others.

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