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WS was testing the waters?

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RightTrack posted 4/29/2014 20:02 PM

One of those links on Yahoo of "why they cheat" suggested that many people cheat to see if they can find a better relationship. They want a risk-free break-up, they'll stay if it's not so good, leave if it's better, never having to spend any time single.

I wonder how true this is of my WH. He's one of those guys who hates not having a relationship. He tried OW out, initially thinking that she could just move in and be wife and mother to his kids, and then when he found her lacking he broke up with her. I hadn't caught him at this time. He suddenly started coming home from work more and even spent a family vacation with us.

Now that the OW relationship is all out in the open he has gone to counseling and worked on the "why", self-esteem, selfishness, etc. etc. He's back in love with me ("never wasn't!") but maybe if he'd had chosen his OW a little more carefully he'd had been able to successfully make the jump. I'll never know but it makes it hard to trust him again. Anyone have experience with this?

Ostrich80 posted 4/30/2014 02:24 AM

I can see your hesitation in trusting him again. I would be learytoo. I know how my brain works and I would be thinking, what if he finds another that he thinks is better...So how long did it take for him to come to this conclusion as to why he did it?
I dont know how long its been but. would still be cautious..

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:25 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

RightTrack posted 4/30/2014 20:50 PM

It took him a week of sleeping on his cousin's couch at night and then some counseling. He doesn't say he was looking for something better but he was acting very selfishly and didn't want to deal with my daughter's and my health situations.

womaninflux posted 4/30/2014 21:05 PM

RT isn't the saying "Broken people attract broken people?" As in your WS was broken inside which is why he had an affair and the AP is broken inside which is why she got involved with a MM. Broken people in a crisis (which is usually when an affair starts - it's often a response to something going on in the WS's life) aren't usually the best decision makers. I know the AP in my WS's case pursued him. Obviously, he was excited by it and did not say no. But AP was a single, attractive (outwardly for the most part) woman who purposely pursued a married man with two young children. That is not normal behavior for someone who has a healthy sense of self.

918Mama posted 5/1/2014 13:29 PM

My IC said that men have a primary need to secure a relationship and that they will often times make sure they have one relationship in place before they move to another.

Of course, standard disclaimer this doesn't apply to "all men" but apparently this is less of an affair type issue and more of a male type issue.

As a MH, I can tell you that when I questioned my AP about what he was going to do with his life/wife/future, he immediately replied that he would leave her so we could explore what a future looked like together.

Um, what?? I just want to be your friend and hear you tell me nice things about myself.

Don't internalize this. I'm sure it has nothing to do with who you are or him upgrading and everything to do with knowing someone will be there to keep his bed warm.

Besides...there is no upgrade from a faithful, loving spouse. All his options would be a downgrade.

RightTrack posted 5/1/2014 18:58 PM

Thank you Mama, I appreciate the thoughtful response.

918Mama posted 5/2/2014 11:25 AM

I know it doesn't make any of it better RT, but hopefully it gave you a different perspective.

There's no one better than you. But if he goes looking again, just know there are plenty of men better than him.

That's one of the ways I've gotten myself into R. I know now, that after allllllll we've been through, if my h goes testing the water?? It's because of him, not me.

And so it is for you. There's no one better than you. Remind yourself of that, ok?

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