This is tough.....but need to share. No longer seeing a CSAT....will talk about in therapy.....but it is 2 weeks off.
I was 10 or 11. I had just taken a bath. I came out in a towel and my Mom, dressed in a robe, met me at the door....and asked me to come to their bedroom. I followed her down the hall and entered the bedroom.
Dad was laying on the bed in his robe.
The exact order of what happened next is not clear....not sure it matters.
My parents took turns showing me their bodies.....very intimately. My Mom showing me Dads naked body, Dad showing me Moms body. As they did they offered to have me touch where they were touching. I just remember nodding no. It was a detailed show and tell (precum noted, touched and discussed, softness and moistness of female noted, touched and discussed, etc).
I THINK they may have offered or suggested that I get naked too....but only like 75% confident in that detail. I kept my rob on, they did not touch me.
Unsure of duration......but more than 15 minutes and less than 30 minutes.
At the end they gave me a hardback book.....don't remember the title but it was college health class in nature. I don't remember the words but had lots of pictures of naked people in it.......things like pre puberty pics all the way up to mature people. An evolution of how a body changes over time.
As i ponder this, those pics could have been the first things I masturbated to......Dad told me about the benefits of masturbation and to be a good lover I needed to do it and train myself to hold back my orgasm. He told me how to do that during this sex talk....showed me how to masturbate. (Okay.....this is creepy now. He did not do it long, just enough to show me how to masturbate. Must have been a longet duration than I thought....but he didn't masturbate long, just enough to show me how.) (that's a detail I JUST remembered! I knew Dad told me the advice on training oneself, but forgot about the actions that happened while he gave me that advice).
(Don't think it ever happened again.....parents D 2-3 years after that.....Dad just disappeared.)
When I left the room my parents stayed in there. I remember thinking "that was wierd".......a thought I have held for 3 decades. Never considered it abuse......strange, yes....but not abuse or particularly traumatic.........until an impromptu conversation with my wife.
She had known about this for a long time.....think I told her while we were dating even. We both chalked it up to their "hippy generation, free love" mode of operation.
What changed it for me was last nights conversation where my wife asked "what if my SIL and BIL sat down with their 11 year old son and did the same thing?".
Upon my DD's I chose very poorly.....choices that were wrong and destructive. Choices that humbled me. It was not until I put my daughter in my place that I saw the situation for what it was.....and upon doing that, change started to occur.
Is this a reflection of that early childhood pattern? Me feeling uncomfortable and scared but minimizing my own feelings in such a destructive manner?
Why was it okay for me to tolerate such events in my life......but would rise to warrior-level defenses if my daughter or nephew were in the exact same sitch?
My journey away from porn had me explored sexual past.....specifically probing for abuse. I knew of this sex-talk with my parents......but it never came under examination because I didn't think it pertinent. Never mentioned it to my CSAT as we explored my past. I spent over an hour detailing my past sexual history in writing......never put this down.
Should I have? Is this just hippie sex talk? Is this wrong? Inappropriate? Abuse?
Kinda wondering if this sitch is like cocain......even if two adults use it, it is still wrong and destructive. (Which is how I now view what porn is).
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:09 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)]