SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

TS68 posted 4/30/2014 11:05 AM

If any of you are in the really early stages of suspecting, please consider this advice:
Start stashing money. Get a prepaid credit card and start putting that $ on it. Or just stash cash. Don't be like me with finally an opportunity to catch the f*cker or at least get some answers and wish I didn't have to just take $ out of our joint acct for a PI.

Skan posted 4/30/2014 16:14 PM

(((hugs))) Just wanted to let you know that you had been heard.

devasted30 posted 4/30/2014 17:43 PM

Great advise. I. Wish I had known then what I know now!!!

Raspberry posted 4/30/2014 17:49 PM

Great idea. I will definitely do this.

Breezy150 posted 4/30/2014 18:24 PM

Great advise. I am doing it now, but I sure wish I had been doing it all along. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so trapped now.

manybrokenpieces posted 4/30/2014 22:00 PM

Funds from Joint Accts can be transferred to new accounts in solely your name as well. I did that the very next morning after Dday (of course, I was completely blindsided). That money is still in solely my name 2 years out. WH knows and we are at an understanding that it will remain there as just mine for my own peace of mind, financial security. I toyed with adding his name or transferring it out to our joint account last year, but feel safer this way.

In Missouri, it seems possession is 9/10 of the law when it comes to divorce. If you have it at that time, there's a good chance you are keeping it.

BUT, I don't know about all states and all situations.

Another good idea is to get cash back when you use your debit card and stash it. $10-$40 bucks at a time at WalMart or Target won't look like anything out of the ordinary, but adds up quickly.

womaninflux posted 4/30/2014 22:13 PM

Or transfer your cc points into cash on a prepaid card account. Some CC's have this capability.

My advice is to sit back and observe. In most states you can get a divorce without proving someone had an affair. The court doesn't care about that. But they do care about marital funds being used for the affair in the form of gifts, travel, etc. Half of those funds spent on that ho were mine.

Go through their car - especially the glove compartment. Go through all jacket pockets. They get lazy/stupid and leave evidence. Desk drawer at home? Go through it.

Also get an expandable file and make copies of every financial statement and account and stock certificate (if there are private shares held) and keep them off site - at lawyer's office or at a trusted friend's house.

You never know how they will react about something when ultimately confronted and then it might be too late to get the goods.

sunvalley posted 4/30/2014 22:47 PM

Great advise for anyone! The day I moved in with my H my grandmother gave me $100 and said "always have your own mad money account"...I think she may have had some life experiences that she hadn't shared with me in hindsight. Having an account that's just yours is always wise. I have friends who have been burned by not having something of their own tucked away.

damnUnicorns posted 5/1/2014 10:30 AM

Definitely put aside money! A That's a lesson I'm learning now.

I stayed home our entire marriage. Now I am having a helluva time getting a job, he's taken control of the money since Dday#2 (he'll give me money for food or gas ONLY if I ASK (humiliating) and not much then. We"can't afford it". Example: I'm driving on 2 tires with the cords out they're so bald. I found used tires for $80 installed.
Yet, last weekend he takes the OW for her birthday weekend in a hotel, to dinner/lunches, gambling, etc.

I sit home with NO money.
He tells me he's "broke", but I check his pockets when he's asleep & he has over $200 in cash (was $600 before his weekend).
He doesn't know I know, but I'm tracking everything. Someday he'll pay. In spades.

Don't be me! Stuck, reeling, frustrated & screwed (for now).

Scrimp & save wherever you can. Fur your entire marriage. It's not anything bad, especially if you are working too. If you don't need escape money, you'll have some sense of security & someday can take a rocking vacation together, right?

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 10:31 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]

hopingforhappy posted 5/1/2014 11:16 AM

I think this is good advice for anybody, particularly SAHMs. I have been a SAHM for about 10 years. I now work part-time in my FWH's business, but don't get a paycheck for that (to his credit, he always refers to is as "our" business). One of the requirements for R was that I have my own separate account with a stash of money in it. I don't think I will ever need it, but if I do, I will be ready. It gives me some peace of mind. In retrospect, I think it was stupid of me to ever have relied so heavily on my FWH.

tushnurse posted 5/1/2014 13:11 PM

1. Have your own money. Always. If you don't start squirreling it away.

2. Keep your mouth shut until you have hard proof. All asking does is warn to be careful.

3. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends and family when you need it.

4. Do see a lawyer, even before confrontation, even before you have proof. Know what to expect, know how to handle things.

lieshurt posted 5/1/2014 13:17 PM

My advice....In this day and age, I think everybody should have a source of income that they could survive on if they divorced. If that means not being a stay at home parent, so be it. I've seen too many people on here who have left themselves completely at the mercy of their cheating spouse. Sure, some will say their ex will have to pay cs/ss. Well, they may be ordered to, but that doesn't mean they will.

justasinger posted 5/1/2014 13:18 PM

I bought a lock box from Walmart for 20 bucks, and have it mounted to the floor of my truck under the back seat
I do use the prepaid cards as well, but the 3 dollar a month access fee adds up after a while

JanaGreen posted 5/1/2014 13:54 PM

2. Keep your mouth shut until you have hard proof. All asking does is warn to be careful.

Yep.

Ascendant posted 5/1/2014 13:59 PM

Also, once you confront: Do NOT reveal how you got the information, no matter how badly you want them to know how dumb they were.

fourever posted 5/6/2014 12:53 PM

You can get a lot of cash back buying a pack of gum at the grocery store with a debit card. Squirrel some money away even if you have to bury it in the yard.

If you have access to those pockets while he's sleeping. Lift some of that cash. Deny, Deny… It's the wayward way, learn and profit from it.

tushnurse posted 5/6/2014 13:07 PM

I still squirrel money away. Guess what I'm using it for now????

Surprise trip to FL this summer. I have just set up my time off, and have NOT told the kids yet.