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How to deal with people outside the marriage

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hurtyetstrong posted 4/30/2014 12:50 PM

So I'm 99.9999999% sure that in the next few weeks I will be filing for divorce. Besides the fallout from WH, I expect serious pressure from his family to stay together. We've had discussions of separating before and it has led to phone calls from his parents, brothers, cousin and uncle telling us how to fix our problems.

He comes from a West African country and they are pretty intolerant of divorce. So much so that infidelity, physical abuse, etc. are not enough reason to end a marriage. I know I need to prepare myself for the barrage of emails and phone calls I will receive in the aftermath of filing.

I will eventually go NC with all of them I'm sure, however I have a history of confrontation avoiding and feel I need to speak with each of them at least once to convey 1. how serious I take the situation and 2. that I cannot be easily convinced/manipulated.

Anyone have to deal with anything like this in the aftermath of filing?

GabyBaby posted 4/30/2014 12:56 PM

You don't need to convince anyone else of your decision.

Your STBXWH made choices without your input (ie cheating). Now you're making your decision based on what's best for you.

Honestly, I'd go NC with his family. It isn't THEIR marriage that blew up, so don't bother listening to their justifications, admonitions, etc.
If you want to remain in contact with them (ie if there are children of the marriage involved), fine...but at the first word from any of them about the marriage, I'd hang up the phone.

Nature_Girl posted 4/30/2014 13:00 PM

I don't think you have to deal with them at all. You are not obligated to explain yourself to anyone. You may choose to tell them why the divorce is happening, however it is not your place nor even in your power to make them understand or accept your point-of-view.

hurtyetstrong posted 4/30/2014 13:14 PM

I do want to keep civility between me and his family for our children. If I completely ignore them, that is extremely rude in their culture and could do lasting damage to any relationship I'd hope to retain for the kids.

I do agree that I don't owe them any justification, I just don't want to burn any bridges. WH has done enough of that.

GabyBaby posted 4/30/2014 13:17 PM

I do agree that I don't owe them any justification, I just don't want to burn any bridges. WH has done enough of that.

Then any time someone brings up the pending divorce, respond:
"I don't want to discuss that."

If they persist:
"If you continue to try to discuss this, I will hang up/leave."

If they continue to persist:
Hang up the phone or walk out.

Be firm in your boundaries.

Oftencheatedon posted 4/30/2014 15:27 PM

Do you really want your children to have a close relationship with people who are totally immoral? People who see nothing wrong with a abuse cheating etc.

I would not want my children near them.

Repeat as needed " in America lying and cheating is not acceptable". "Go away".

justjim posted 4/30/2014 15:48 PM

Their "culture" does not trump yours.

Do what is right for you. Whether they like it or lump it is their problem.

HeBrokeVows posted 4/30/2014 22:19 PM

My husband and I come from a similar culture. I don't even want to get into what WH's side said to me. But the stories are similar. I had to politely remove myself from them. I texted and said "thank you for your support but this is between him and I. I know you are always there for all of us and I appreciate that. This is a very difficult time for us. I will let you know if I need anything."

These are strong cultures. In their mind no matter how wrong he is, marriages just don't end and the woman should just put up with it.

Good luck, it's not easy. I wouldn't worry about being rude, stand your ground and protect your vulnerable feelings right now.

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