SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Jennifer99 posted 4/30/2014 13:08 PM

I've been stuck on "letting go" for a long time. Even when I think I've licked it, it comes back around.

I don't know if we're allowed to refer to outside things here but if you google Leo Babuta and look at the book he is giving away for free this year - its really lovely and I really needed all the reminders.

I do better every time it comes back around but I know there are new people here maybe still struggling with this part.

Dobegirl posted 4/30/2014 19:54 PM

Bumping this because I too struggle with this...

gypsybird87 posted 4/30/2014 20:24 PM

(((Jennifer and dobegirl)))

This is a hard part of the process. I still have moments but I'm pretty much free of it. I'm a visual person and written words really get through to me. I recently bought a large square magnet with the words in all caps:

LET GO OR BE DRAGGED

That really hit me, and helped me break free. I didn't want to be left behind. No one does! But the only thing worse than being left behind is hanging on, and being dragged in the dirt as the other person walks away.

I'd rather stand alone, on my own two feet, than be dragged. Our Ex's have gone on with their lives (dishonesty filled, pathetic lives in most cases ) but still, they have gone on.

We can't stop them. We can't make them turn around. We are left with only two options:

LET GO

or

BE DRAGGED

Many (((hugs))) to you both!!! I hope this helps a little as it helped me.

slicerboy posted 4/30/2014 20:32 PM

I too have struggled with letting go, but I see my WS moving on with her life and she's choosing to not face the hurt she brought to the family. She can take her emotional baggage into her next relationship... karma train rarely misses a stop

sadcountryboy posted 4/30/2014 20:35 PM

Let go because you know in your heart that you need to and have to. You are stronger than to let someone drag you around keeping you in limbo. This is what they do. You don't hear from them for a while, then they swoop in, give you some lines, and send you back to square one. Stop feeding the monster. You have to heal for you. And that means letting go and trusting that you will live on. Everyone has hobbies or things they enjoy. Or things they gave up or almost gave up to be with their spouse. Get back in touch with that. You were awesome before you met them. That's why they fell in love with you and married you. Get back in touch with you. The real you. And when the thoughts come up, just kick them out, because they don't deserve your thoughts anymore. There's a big world out there and we all have a lot of living to do. Sitting around sad and worried and wondering if they will come back magically is dying. Don't do it.

Trust me. My wife ripped my heart out like scorpion on the old mortal combat game. But you know what? The sun will come up tomorrow. I'll still get my ass up and go to work. And do it to the best of my ability. And I'll also work to fill my weekend up with stuff I want to do. We may bump into someone along the way that is the true love of our lives.

Jennifer99 posted 4/30/2014 21:04 PM

Why I shared the info about Leo's ebook is because when I read it, I recognized the baby steps. Then I recognized how I was already practicing and seeing them actually WORK. Then I also saw how easy it was to have a bad day and forget the practice/action of it.

The reminder today couldn't have been at a better time.

The more I let go and it shows, the crazier NPDstbXWH becomes.

Before when trying to discuss kid things he'd not want to hear what I had to say so he'd start an argument that quickly devolved because I would be so incredibly flabbergasted at his warped (lying) reality and feel the need to correct it.

There is so much power in being able to see yourself walking through Leo's steps:

stbX "You don't even appreciate all those years I put you through college".

In my head "OMG?! what?! I was done with all but a year of my bachelors when I met you and I paid for that out of my 401k from work for that last year and I worked 60 hour weeks while taking two full semesters. and now - grad school - I've worked 60 hours a week to support us and you haven't worked in years and you've spent all my loan money!"

Leo's steps:

*recognizing signals
*seeing the ideal
*seeing the harm
*letting go (with love) parentheses mine because I have to remember letting go with love can mean with love for myself not asshole.
*seeing reality (or in my case - seeing the real reality not th reality that crazy man would like me to see)

And its nearly comical to sit back and watch X keep testing the electric fence of my letting go skills like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park.

It works when I feel the need to have a say for "my side" when he's being warped. If I feel he's misrepresented me to my son and its that concerning I explain to my son but most times I don't even get started and my 11yo says "you don't have to explain, I know mom".

It works when I feel the need to speak up on behalf of my son to X. There are more appropriate places to do that - with other people who are there for him.

It works when I feel the need for more rational and adult communication re: kid stuff. Now I can let it go and just realize coparenting is just another concept the neanderthal will never understand and as my brother puts it "just do whatever the hell you want, what is he going to do about it besides yap?"

It works when I have moments of weakness and let X's put downs and criticisms of me, my appearance, my health, ....mean too much to me.

The letting go doesn't just free ME - it totally takes away X's power and it SHOWS. I hope to practice this enough to get good at it so my son can adopt it as well. He is too much like me and therefore has the same problems interacting with his father but he so wants his love and approval he's willing, at 11, to put himself through hell for it. And X knows it and uses it. (isn't that kind of a definition of psychopath? or am I wrong?)

Until I read Leo's steps today I hadn't even recognized a pattern to the successful letting go's vs. the not successful ones.

There is the "compassionate" portion of Leo's message I can almost see too. Except I am actively shutting that off because I can't seem to commit to it totally without the expectation that it won't just set X off to be even more of a total tool. He views it as something to take advantage of. I haven't found the way to NOT let that happen.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/30/2014 21:25 PM

Here is another couple options...

First, "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie is a daily meditation guide on moving on from codependency. I find it powerful. Some of the 365 daily meditation topics include things like "asking for what we need," "trusting ourselves," "detachment," "setting our own course," "accepting ourselves," "letting go of anger," "initiating relationships," "what-ifs," and so much more. This thing is great. It gives you things each day to think about and begin the letting go process. It has been instrumental in my progress.

Second, this posted by another SIer a couple weeks back, but beginning on May 4 (this Sunday), Desmond Tutu will be guiding the "30-day forgiveness challenge." You go to this website (http://forgivenesschallenge.com/) and register. Each day they help with the process of forgiving and letting go. I have signed up and am looking forward to the journey.

Hope these help.

Acer0112 posted 4/30/2014 21:46 PM

I struggle daily. The hard core tears have stopped so I know I'm making progress. My anger towards him since he reconnected with OP is what is showing it's evil head in almost every conversation we have. I can't help jab him - he doesn't know that I have access to cell records, and I'm obsessing over how many times he texts or calls OP...when he's with the kids, when he's with friends, first thing in the morning, last things at night...and he claims they are just friends and he doesn't talk to her much.

It hurts, the loss, the feeling of rejection, having to share and miss the kids, having to pack a suitcase when it's his turn to see kids, having to deal with finances that were our dreams and retirement. Holding on for what, I'm not sure, maybe just waiting for a true apology, some respect, something...

(((Hugs))) - I will repeat the quote - Let GO or Be Dragged everyday now - so true.

Jennifer99 posted 4/30/2014 21:48 PM

going to grab that book DD. thx!

norabird posted 4/30/2014 23:13 PM

It sounds to me as if you ARE letting go. It takes time, and it happens in fits and starts, bit you are peeling your fingers back. In fact I'm going to look up the book that is helping you to see if I can borrow your great tools!

Caretaker1 posted 5/1/2014 07:22 AM

Very helpful thread. I will look up that book today.

SBB posted 5/1/2014 08:57 AM

And its nearly comical to sit back and watch X keep testing the electric fence of my letting go skills like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park.

What a brilliant analogy! Love it! My 'letting go skills' are how easy NC has become for me (willpower at first then practice) and each day I feel a little more of the holy grail of detachment seeping into my heart and mind.

It isn't easy because - well - it takes a while to realise you're not dealing with a normal rational person. That in itself is a hard thing to accept. Once you accept that it kind of makes breaking NC seem ridiculous. Not only does it do no good it actually causes harm.

SeanFLA posted 5/1/2014 11:16 AM

I struggle too and I'm a ways out. I don't believe the karma train makes all the stops as I haven't seen it for her. But it's not about wishing harm or misfortune on anybody. I just want to move on and be happy. Not a lot to ask for I feel. I don't struggle for her so much, just that my family was taken away and I could do nothing in my power to stop it. It's the most helpless feeling in the world. You lose your home, time with your kids and the company of a partner. OK much of your bank account too I might add. I am struggling hard at times to rebuild...somehow. Still days I don't want to get out of bed. People new come into your lives and you realize you aren't as screwed up as you think you are. There are so many non-compassionate and unempathetic people in this world it isn't funny. Then I reflect and remember...2-5 years to get through this. Maybe many of us are on the 5 year plan that's all.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:17 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]