Me: Enjoying life
Like you I had no kids with my XWH, but I was stepmom to his kids (5 of them!). My xIL's live much closer than my blood family, and I loved them very much. It is hard to let those relationships go, especially when you feel that lies are being handed out and that most likely your ex is presenting you as the one at fault.
Personally, I couldn't live with that. I gave 8 years of my life to this family, I made HUGE sacrifices for him and his kids... I just couldn't bear to think of these people hating me, or thinking that I wanted the divorce, or that *I* cheated, or whatever lie XWH decided to hand them.
Finally I reached out via letter to xMIL, and to my x-stepdaughter. I told them that I loved them and always would, and thanked them for welcoming me into the family, and for loving me all these years. I told them I was heartbroken by this divorce, and that it was NOT what I wanted, but what else can you do when the other person has already moved on with someone else...? (That was as close as I got to addressing the affair in the initial letter).
As it turned out, both women responded immediately. They wanted and received details from me... right down to the dirty nitty gritty. Now, one year later, xMIL and I communicate pretty regularly and have gotten together a few times. Same with xSIL. My xstepdaughter and I are VERY close, as we always have been. We communicate pretty much daily and she's texting me as I type this, lol.
This was my experience, and thank god it has been positive. I would caution you to remember that you cannot control the outcome. You may also get a positive response. Or it may be negative. Or you may get crickets. Or they may tell your STBXWH they heard from you and he may freak out on you. I cannot stress this enough:
Only reach out if that is what will give you the most peace,regardless of the outcome. If a negative or non-response will hurt you, DO NOT DO IT. I went through every possible scenario I could imagine, and felt it was still worth it to send those letters. It was the only way I could find some "closure" regarding the IL's, for lack of a better word.
Please also be careful, because it sounds like any ongoing contact with you MIL may indeed lead to more "how is my son?" type calls. Knowing you were separated didn't seem to discourage her. Divorce might not either. Of course you did tell her you were going to have no contact, but who knows if she actually heard that. My xMIL was still hoping for us to reconcile even after XWH had introduced him to OW the convict whore. (By the way.. xMIL does know she's a convict whore- I made sure to tell her about OW's criminal record! )
Anyway, sorry to have gone on so long. As you said, this is not your responsibility to inform your IL's about who their son etc really is. And honestly, they will love him over you regardless, and that is infuriating but its just a blood is thicker than water thing. So do whatever will give YOU peace. YOU are the one that matters.
Hugs to you. I know its not easy, no matter what you decide to do.
[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 8:16 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]
Him: Someone else's problem
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords