Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

we're divorcing, but we have prior committments [ and vent]

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

slicerboy posted 4/30/2014 14:08 PM

I asked my cake-eating FWW to end our marriage last week, we've since spent several hours discussing what our next steps are

We don't have a timeline, but we are going to joint file.

I've called to schedule legal consultation, but this has not happened yet.

We have two sons, 14, and 15. They are unaware, and I reqeusted that we tell them together once school ends. So June.

So my wife asks me to go to a bowling outing with her with her work team on the 15th. I say, um no I don't think that's a good idea considering we're divorcing. She responds. Yes we are divorcing, but we have prior committments that we should still go to...

And we have concert tickets at the end of june, so I guess we should continue with that "date night" too

She's still being affectionate light kisses and well wishes for the day, I question her about this and her thoughts on what type of intimacy we'll share considering the circumstances. she responsds -- "You're still my husband, and I'm going to continue having sex with you" as tears begin to form and roll down her face

I don't understand, she agrees to a divorce (since I asked) has not shared any moving out plans and we will continue to play married house. I told her that I want to keep the house, she says she doesn't want me to sell the house because the kids love it there.. umm hello, the kids love their parents too and probably aren't anticipating the shit storm that's about to erupt on their lives

I says you're sending me mixed messages, I asked to divorce and you're not fighting for us, but you want to continue to carry on the facade of us being married. You say that you think about what this will mean to the kids and how it will impact them all the time, yet you agree that this is the best move for us.

I scheduled my legal consult for tomorrow. She's fence-sitting and it doesn't seem logical. part of me is thinking that now that we're going down the path of divorce, she has one less thing to worry about and she has moved back into the fantasy marriage that we have

cayc posted 4/30/2014 14:13 PM

She's not just fence sitting, she's still cake eating, hoping to sway you into sticking around b/c well shit, she just realized you mean it and that her meal ticket might be going away.

But not shocked enough to do any introspective work to show you remorse. You never know, she might, but you need to 180 starting now. No prior commitments, no sex (I don't think I've ever had to tell a guy on SI to close the bakery lol), no nothing except calmness in front of the kids.

And just because the kids won't know for a month doesn't mean you can't get to an attorney and file. And abandon the idea of joint filing. Go ahead and file. She's not your friend, she asked for this by her behavior so you might as well show her what it's going to be like now.

Nature_Girl posted 4/30/2014 14:15 PM

nowiknow23 posted 4/30/2014 14:16 PM

"You're still my husband, and I'm going to continue having sex with you"
Oh no she didn't! Who the hell does she think she is?

I hope you threw a flag on that play, honey. She has NO RIGHT. She's either in or she's out, and her words and actions are all saying she's out. So show her what OUT really is.


sparkysable posted 4/30/2014 14:44 PM


Who the F does she think she is? She can kiss her work bowling outing goodbye. She can kiss those concert tickets goodbye.

She wants to pretend like nothing happened. She is due for a serious dose of reality.

You need to be ready. She is not your friend, and she does not have your best interests at heart, she has HER best interests at heart.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 2:45 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

slicerboy posted 4/30/2014 14:57 PM

that photo is hilarious and says it all...

My consult is tomorrow, mission aborted on the joint filing

I thought the wake up call would be my asking for a divorce, I was wrong

peacelovetea posted 4/30/2014 15:03 PM

Its time to stop asking her what she wants or is thinking and realize that you get to call the shots now. You set your own boundaries -- no sex, no kiss goodbye, no chitchat, no dates. You are divorcing. That all stops. It doesnt matter if she wants to do it or she gives you crocodile tears. Your boundaries, your decision.

This just shows you how selfish she is, and how much she is refusing to see consequences. I am endlessly amazed at WS's refusal to live in reality.

slicerboy posted 4/30/2014 15:20 PM

It's like she feels that if we end on these terms, she'll be able better live with it.

Her point of view seems to be, it's ok to walk out on my family if I'm a "good wife" while doing it... she even said to me that she feels like she should have g-friend or a b-friend for all of this to be happening. She doesn't seem to understand why we are at this point, but she's accepting it and letting go...

cayc posted 4/30/2014 16:00 PM

It's like she feels that if we end on these terms, she'll be able better live with it.

B/c if you end on these terms then she's not a bad person, she's a good person! Who's liked! Loved! And none of it is her fault!!!

I maintained NC with my xWH for the year of separation and then the year after my D. I sent him a total of 3 emails in that 2 year time span. That did not stop him from trying trying trying to get in my good graces. Because if he could? If I would acknowledge him? Then what he did wasn't so bad. Except it was. What he did was horrible. He is a waste of the oxygen he steals from the rest of us to stay alive horrible.

She's trying to make HERSELF feel better. I'm good with vengence and making people suffer. Maybe you are better than me on that score. But at the very least, don't allow her nonsense to trick you into inadvertently absolving her of her transgressions. She doesn't deserve it and it will impede your healing/getting past the D if you do.

SBB posted 4/30/2014 16:03 PM

She doesn't seem to understand why we are at this point, but she's accepting it and letting go...

No, brother. She is calling your bluff. She let go some time ago too. I think you know that even though you WANT to believe her pretty words.

Don't have sex with her - you're exposing yourself to emotional drama not to mention STDs. Get her out of your bed, out of your room. Make this a reality for her.

Stop talking to her. Read up,about the 180. Don't wait until June to tell the kids. Go see an L ASAP and move full steam ahead. Seek exclusive use of the house and ask her to move out. It might wake her up or it might get her to show her true self. It doesn't matter. You will at least have your ducks in a line.

She is not a FWW - she has no remorse. She is still cake-eating. If she were a WW with true remorse but had decided the damage too great or this M isn't what she wanted she would not still be cake eating, blameshifting and gaslighting - still having sex with you? Still her husband? Remember she fucked around on this husband. That's the only "still" that is guaranteed.

I urge exclusive use of the house to save you the agony of her bringing an OM into your home when you're not there. Also so she has less access to mindfuck you as she is doing now.

I urge you to read Abbondad's threads. I feel that you will have a similar journey. She is delusional and supremely confident that her behaviour now will keep you compliant so she gets what she wants. I know if because I fell for it too. I was desperate for an amicable D. He kept up the facade until he reneged on every single agreement we made and I started pushing back. Then he went feral and tried to fuck me over any way he could.

I know you don't want to take this leap but you're standing on the cliff with fire at your back whether or not you want to admit that you are feeling the flames burning your flesh.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.