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Engaged: past affair still present

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Shanoa posted 4/30/2014 14:11 PM

About a year ago I found out my then boyfriend of 12 years was sexting another woman. He admitted to "one kiss" and then just flirty texts back and forth.I caught him in several lies about the entire situation but after a long time of talking and working on our relationship things finally got better. Then things go really better, amazing in fact. So amazing that we got engaged this February.

However, just last month - a month after our engagement I found out he was texting her again. This time he finally admitted that they "made out a couple times". I got upset and texted the "other woman" and she let me know that it was a lot more than "a couple times" and that he tried to have sex with her on multiple occassions. She said she asked him if he had any regrets and he said "not getting to have sex with you." She also said the only reason they stopped was because "it wasn't safe since I found out". There are more lies he told and more ways he betrayed me but you get the idea.

Anyway so now I am just heartbroken and don't know what to do! On the surface our relationship seemed great, I take care of him financially and we have a passionate sex life. Is there anything we can do to save our relationship? Am I an idiot for even considering it? What can I do so he doesn't want other women? Please help!

heforgot posted 4/30/2014 14:22 PM

Ask yourself this: Are you ok with sharing your husband with another woman?

Shanoa posted 4/30/2014 14:25 PM

definitely not OK with sharing him. I talked to this other woman and she's moved to another state across the country and she said there was never anything emotional with them that it was just "pure horniness". She sent him naked pics and when he was texting her again he was asking her for more. He says I don't give him enough physical attention but I am the one who always tries to initiate sex and he says he's "not in the mood". And the worst part about all of this is that we never make out, like ever. And I always want to but he refuses. It must just be me:(

norabird posted 4/30/2014 14:31 PM

Oh honey. I'm so very sorry.

Gently, gently, gently: this is a blessing. It feels like shit, it sucks, but it saves you from a lot of future heartache. From a painful divorce, from having kids with someone who can't give you what you deserve, from feeling inadequate.

You aren't married yet. You don't have kids. You are financially independent. You think you are at rock bottom--but it could have been so much worse. This is who he is. You're getting a peek at it.

If you really can't just break things off (it's so hard), cancel the wedding for now and get yourselves into IC (individual therapy). He must give you total transparency on his phone and email, must send a NC email to this woman, and must figure out why he was doing this, before you ever consider moving ahead with him again.

I know you want to hold onto hope for him and for your relationship. But he just does not deserve you.


yearsofpain25 posted 4/30/2014 14:33 PM

Hi Shanoa. Welcome to SI. I'm very sorry that you find yourself here. You're not an idiot for wanting to repair your relationship. You have a lot of history together. That said, he has shown you who he is. The fact that he cheated and continues to cheat is not something you can control or fix. That is an indicator that something is broken inside of him which is not about you.

You current relationship is no longer what you thought it once was. You have to let go of that perfect image of what you thought you had because it was clearly a lie. He has been stringing you along because most likely you are his safe place. He's not really showing any remorse. He may have been showing regret at getting caught. If he was showing remorse he would be trying life crazy to fix himself first so that this does not happen again.

At the very least, getting married HAS TO BE off the table.

Hang in thre Shanoa. Keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you.


yearsofpain25 posted 4/30/2014 14:34 PM

He says I don't give him enough physical attention but I am the one who always tries to initiate sex and he says he's "not in the mood". And the worst part about all of this is that we never make out, like ever. And I always want to but he refuses. It must just be me:(

This is soooooo not about you. He is broken in some way. He needs to dig to find out why he is like this. You cannot control this as it's about him. Not you.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:34 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

norabird posted 4/30/2014 14:42 PM

^^^^ Listen to YOP. Repeat what he says. Believe it. Act on it.

You can do this. You will survive. You deserve more--now start acting like you believe it, and demand it. YOU hold the power right now.

Shanoa posted 4/30/2014 14:44 PM

whenever I try to talk about it he will say something like "can't we just have a fun, normal day together?"

I am just in total shock. Thank you for the individual therapy advice I am thinking about doing that as he is unwilling to participate in couple's counseling.

yearsofpain25 posted 4/30/2014 14:51 PM

whenever I try to talk about it he will say something like "can't we just have a fun, normal day together?"

That's a text book response from a wayward. It's a way to shift any negative attention off of him and to sweep it under the rug. Or as an effort to compartmentalize the situation and put it in a box somewhere. That's bullshit. When they say things like that engage them and call them out on it. Let him know that no matter how hard he tries, it not going away and needs to be dealt with "fun day" or no.

Seriously Shanoa, I very sorry you have to deal with this. We see this on here everyday. He is showing you his true colors. Listen to what you know your gut is already telling you. You wouldn't be here talking to us if you wanted to sweep it under the rug or stick your head in the sand. This situation isn't going away. What is your gut telling you to do about this guy?

TrustedHer posted 4/30/2014 14:52 PM

That said, he has shown you who he is. The fact that he cheated and continues to cheat is not something you can control or fix. That is an indicator that something is broken inside of him which is not about you.

Not just cheat. Lie. Lie upon lie.

We are not defined by our mistakes; they do not earn us labels.

We are, however, defined by our patterns of behavior. Cheating, lying, and then lying about the cheating, and lying about the lying. That's a pattern.

He's a cheater, a liar, and he's trying to get you to "get over it" and rugsweep, and not exploring his issues. He disrespects you and your needs.

It's your life, but I sure wouldn't want to spend the rest of it with a disrespectful cheater and a liar.

As far as the 12 years go, yes, you have a long history together. But many of us from long-term marriages decided that enough is enough, and we deserve better.

You deserve better.

Shanoa posted 4/30/2014 14:54 PM

honestly we have been together since I was 15 years old. Now I am almost 28. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't understand why he is doing this. I've financially supported him for 6 years. I helped him graduate college. After all these years of "not believing in marriage" he finally proposes to me and seems so sincere and then a month later he's texting this other woman?

Also, a few months back an old friend messaged me on facebook and said he was asking her to meet up, she said just for coffee and he said "OK but we can't tell my girlfriend". Am I a fool for wanting to just sweep it all under the rug and forget? Will he just leave me when I'm old and fat?

PhoenixRising88 posted 4/30/2014 14:57 PM


Honey, so sorry you're here. Those who have answered you previously are right on target. What's broken is broken on his part, NOT YOURS. Repeat that above line til you believe it because it is true.

Yes, you have a lot of history together, and I know you love him. But he's not been monogamous with you. He's intiated and continued affair behavior with another. You need to dig deep and ask yourself - Do you really want to travel down the aisle and promise 'til death do us part' to someone who's already not keeping that promise to you?

Sweetie, he has shown you the brokenness. See it and know that only he can fix it. As painful as it would be, if it were me I would move on. Easier said than done I know. I just don't want to see anyone go through nine years of marriage to a cheater like I did.

Keep posting here, hon, and know we are here for you.

KatyaCA posted 4/30/2014 15:00 PM

He is using you and you are letting him. Realize that he is no prize when he is acting without morals, values, honesty and integrity and that he is disrespecting and demeaning you.

I realize you have 12 years together and that is a long time but you need to kick his butt to the curb and do a hard 180. Then, if he gets individual therapy and really becomes remorseful you can address whether or not you have a future. For now, protect yourself, honor yourself by refusing to let him dishonor you and get away with it. Read about 180 and start making yourself your first priority.

Shanoa posted 4/30/2014 15:03 PM

Why did he do it? He says he loves me and I'm the only one for him. I know if anyone else were telling me this story I'd tell them to leave but I just can't help but want to just pretend everything is OK. I just can't believe it. That he would do this to me after how much effort we put in to rebuilding our relationship after I saw the sexts a year ago. He's throw that all away on a woman who lives hundreds of miles away?

yearsofpain25 posted 4/30/2014 15:07 PM

Why? There are millions of reasons why but I can guarantee you one thing. NONE of them are good reasons why. I tried searching for that answer for a decade and it led to one answer and that was the only answer that mattered. He's broken Shanoa. That's your why. Take it from someone who knows, to try and break it down any other way is like trying to make sense of non sense. It doesn't make sense. In some twisted way he is a mess.

People above have been suggesting the 180. The 180 is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

And more 180 info under the target thread here:

Remember that this isn't about what's wrong with you. It's about what's wrong with him.

Shanoa posted 4/30/2014 15:27 PM

so you don't think there is anything we can do to save our relationship? He told me last night he feels like he "ruined our relationship." Like there's no hope. Somehow the tables have turned and now I feel like I need to convince him to stay. I feel so worthless.

yearsofpain25 posted 4/30/2014 15:38 PM

He told me last night he feels like he "ruined our relationship."

IMHO I believe this is just another tactic that he's using to get you to feel sympathy for him. That statement to me says it's all about him. If he was truly remorseful he would be crapping his pants and saying things like I'm so sorry that I ruined our relationship. Not that he "feels like it". He's not owning hi sh!t. Not really. And that right there is part of him being broken. If he had empathy he would be thinking about you and be concerned about you in the same manner that you are concerned about him.

I don't want to say that there's no hope. There's always hope. But that hope has to come from him. Not you. I'm the first to advocate R. But he's not showing remorse and that's what is needed for you to move forward.

You are in a tough spot so maybe not in the best mind frame for making life changing decisions. At the very least, call off the engagement and let him know he has to work on himself. He as to get better on his side, which unfortunately is not under your control What is your gut telling you? Does your gut think that there is any hope for him? Or does your gut say this is how he has always been and is going to be?

Shanoa posted 4/30/2014 15:52 PM

We live together so it's hard to just break off the engagement. I care about him too much to kick him out of the house since I know he has no money or job. Honestly I always knew he was lying to me about the affair to begin with. So my gut tells me that he will always lie and that he probably isn't a very good person to put me through this again. But my gut is also scared shitless of living a life without him in it. We are best friends. We grew up together. We are family. We complete each other. I'm so heartbroken!!

Shanoa posted 4/30/2014 15:56 PM

it's like he's in denial. He says "why do you have to say things like "you had an affair" and that "I cheated"?" As if he thinks that just because he didn't love her it wasn't an affair and that because they didn't technically have sex then he didn't cheat. The part that makes me the most upset is that he is completely controlling and jealous when it comes to me. I don't go out to bars, I wear conservative clothing, I don't have close male friends. He evens acts jealous about the fact that I even work with men. But I give him all the freedom in the world.

SpecialK posted 4/30/2014 16:08 PM

All I hear is you talking yourself into staying with him. You admit he has cheated, lied etc. You admit that YOU support him.
Are you willing to be someone's meal ticket? He has -0- respect for you and he proves it with his behavior.

You need to find out why you are allowing a POS to treat with like this, this isn't a healthy relationship, on either side. You are wayyyy to dependent on another person for your happiness and he's nothing but a leech.

FORGET HIS WORDS!!! Seriously! What do his ACTIONS say?

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