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Reconciliation confusion/sex questions

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lbuzz posted 4/30/2014 14:26 PM

So, it's been 2-1/2 weeks since dday, and it's been a roller coaster. My husband is now remorseful, although he wasn't the first week, and has been working to be honest and transparent with mixed results, although he seems to be improving daily with this.

I have been having this massive sex drive that has been a bit overwhelming to both of us, although it has mellowed as it hasn't really been fully reciprocated.. He says he feels really mixed up and that is inhibiting him. We had a long lack of sex before this--years--which we've learned was partly due to a big misunderstanding on both sides. He did get STD testing.

In any case, I'm not quite sure what all his feelings are regarding sex. I think there is some shame and confusion there, but I also wonder if his sexual feelings for the OW are interfering. They only had sex a couple of times supposedly, but they had a really intense phone sex relationship while she was out of the country. He made videos of himself masturbating, etc., and I saw it all, so I feel kind of undesired based on how different he is with me. I think part of me is feeling so sexual as I want him to claim me more intently than he did her, which is probably not going to happen and is flawed thinking. I also seem to be able to avoid thinking of my pain when I am in a sexual haze, which feels much better than feeling horrid.

In any case, i just wanted to know if anyone had thoughts on where to go from here. I feel do stupid and lost. I'm not sure how to move forward together and not sure if we'll be able to afford MC. Haven't figured out a way yet.

bionicgal posted 4/30/2014 14:32 PM

Likely your H is feeling a lot of things -- guilt, pressure to perform, and maybe having some intrusive thoughts about the AP. These will resolve over time. Try to be patient, and just keep talking. I think sex can feel a little like a test for waywards after an affair, and the less you make it so, the better. (Like the claiming part -- I would try to curb that thinking, even it if is 100% normal.)

HB can go on for quite a while - pace yourself, and give your H a chance to catch up.

jj21 posted 4/30/2014 15:58 PM

I'm thinking this is normal - for both of you. I remember the hysterical bonding phase as a very confusing time for both of us. I've come to the conclusion that it's simply a primal instinct and nothing more. We, as the BS, almost lost what was ours. We need to prove that we can be the perfect sexual partner for him, even if it means acting completely out of character. Looking back, I am shocked at myself. But I was acting on an instinct that took over all rational thought. My WH was very confused about it at the time. He couldn't understand why I was wanting that kind of raw physical contact so often when I wouldn't even allow him to hold my hand or kiss me goodnight. He was confused, and hesitant to go along with it. Being a guy, of course he did go along with it. But it was hard for him at the same time. What he really wanted was the hand holding and cuddling.

Anyway, I believe that what you're both feeling is quite normal. As for where to go from here - just keep doing what feels right day by day. Your journey on this road has barely begun.

lbuzz posted 4/30/2014 17:41 PM

We need to prove that we can be the perfect sexual partner for him, even if it means acting completely out of character. Looking back, I am shocked at myself.

Yes, this is how I feel. Part of it is that the OW is less than half my age--23. I'm 48, and my WH is 47. I feel like I need to be some free-spirited 20 year old or be able to compete with one. It's very stressing.

[This message edited by lbuzz at 6:08 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

lbuzz posted 4/30/2014 20:39 PM

I'm also having a hard time with all of my other feelings. It's hard not to dwell on this, and it's hard to be a good parent. I feel like I don't have the energy to be present for my son. Sometimes I just want to lay in a dark room and vegetate, or I want my son to occupy himself for hours so I can talk about it ad nauseum with my husband in hopes that something changes somehow. I just wish I could speed up time somehow even if just for the next month. I'm dreading a long-planned visit by family members in particular, which I had been really looking forward to.

IWantDoOver posted 5/1/2014 09:10 AM

so I can talk about it ad nauseum with my husband in hopes that something changes somehow.

In a marriage with a Parent/Child dynamic, the Child (WS) will often rebel against the Parent (BS). This is why behavioral change is best led by first an Individual Counselor (IC) or therapist, and later facilitated by a Marriage Counselor.

Or to put it another way: You didn't break him, and you can't fix him -- he has to WANT to fix himself.

lbuzz posted 5/1/2014 15:14 PM

In a marriage with a Parent/Child dynamic, the Child (WS) will often rebel against the Parent (BS). This is why behavioral change is best led by first an Individual Counselor (IC) or therapist, and later facilitated by a Marriage Counselor.
Or to put it another way: You didn't break him, and you can't fix him -- he has to WANT to fix himself.

So how do you find out more about this? I do think this is a part of what is going on in our lives.

tushnurse posted 5/1/2014 16:10 PM

This sexual need, and desire is completely normal. Happens to many of us, and can be a real break from the pain and anguish that we are dealing with in the early days of R.

For me it was quite freeing, I mean I wasn't a total prude, and was always willing to try new things, but after Dday I was like screw it. We no longer have that I'm the only one thing, and he has ruined that, so I'm gonna have some fun and make this all about me. I did. It has brought me a long way this new attitude. I went from sex when he wanted it, to trying many new things, purchasing all kinds of toys, and making myself completely comfortable and unashamed sexually.

I knew that if I was awesome in bed, he would realize that he almost lost this. That would be a wake up call. Well I don't know how accurate that thinking is, but it helped me.

Let the HB thing help you along. It's good for you physically, a little exercise, and releases good endorphins, and helps to rebuild intimacy. This can make R a little easier.

kate0421 posted 5/2/2014 07:55 AM

Yes I went through the hysterical Bonding phase and it completely normal. We already had somewhat of a healthy sex life, but after dday it was kicked into overdrive. My WS was really confused which I can completely understand now but at the time it made me feel undesired and hurt. When we would talk about the A and my questions I would feel good about us and his honesty, but what I didn't realize is that after our conversations he would be feeling humiliated and disgusted with himself, in the beginning there were times where he would get physically sick and puke. He wasn't really in the mood because of the way he was feeling about HIMself and what HE did.

devasted30 posted 5/2/2014 08:12 AM

Warning - TMI - Warning
I agree with kate0421. A lot of what your WS is experiencing right now is probably guilt. My WS fooled around off and on for almost 7 years. But during that time, he only had full on intercourse about 4 times. He just wasn't able to perform that way. Kinda makes you laugh doesn't it? He was having a performance problem before the affairs and got himself some ED pills, but they didn't work most of the time. With my WS, I think it's mostly mentally. He is still having a very difficult time. He still can't keep an erection so we have to do other stuff. But as tushnurse said, we can have a lot of fun other ways. Give it time. It's probably not you, it's him.

Snowbird posted 5/2/2014 15:16 PM

I , too,had HB for about 6 weeks after DDay. It was intense and I thought I was crazy wondering why I wanted this guy who hurt me so badly, so much! Must be hormonal...or the need to claim what was mine or prove to myself and him that we still had something...not sure. It disappeared though...when the depression and reality set in...and the hurt got deeper and the numbness wore off. It is there somehwat now...we are trying to reclaim or relationship....we are 5 months into R...going well, he is remorseful and is doing all that he is capable of to make amends. But the pain is still there....daily, even more so than at first....now a lot of anger and hurt...which has affect our sex life. He is being patient but the HB has turned into difficulty in really letting go in sex...as I rebuild the trust again. But I think the HB is normal for some of us....I know it surprised both of us. He expected I would never go near him again and within 2 weeks I was craving sex daily...helped bring us together again...and now for the real work of daily slogging though the triggers and thoughts and obsessions.....hopefully it get better!

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