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summer daycare drama with npd xwh

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sparkysable posted 4/30/2014 15:20 PM

XWH is not the most involved parent, and usually only takes DD for visitation an average of once a month. He does not get overnights. XWH is definitely NPD, possibly sociopath, killed my cat, etc. I don't like when he has DD at all, and I am thankful he only exercises visitation once a month. I usually can avoid dealing with him on anything, as any interactions leave me anxious, mindfucked, and drained.

Last year, I got screwed over the summer because I had to pay for daycare up front, and then chase after him for his half, and he STILL is paying down his balance of the money he owes me, he still owes me around $900. (He is required to pay 50% of daycare.)

So I send XWH an email about the upcoming summer daycare issue, :


This is a rough estimate of the daycare costs for the summer:
*dates and prices*
Total daycare costs for the summer $XXXX/50% = $XXX

This is a ton of money, especially if I'm home and can take her for the day. Does she have to go 5 days every week, I would be willing to take her a day or two, and maybe sometimes three days a week. Thanks!

...."especially if I'm home and can take her for the day". Now I know this is lie #1, because he's not home, he works Mon-Fri 8a-4p as a paramedic. Not exactly a work from home job. But I figure eh, I'll see what he has to say.
If you can come up with a summer schedule, send it to me and Iíll take a look at it.

Please see the schedule below with the days I can take her.
and then he proceeds to send me this schedule in which she would roughly be with him every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and then go to daycare Tuesday and Thursday. There were a few variances, but every week would have her with him 3 days a week, and in daycare 2 days a week.

But, how can he take her 3 days a week and only work 2 days a week for the whole summer? Now, remember, he said in the beginning especially if I'm home and can take her for the day.


What is your work schedule now? How are you able to be off so much, and only work a few days a week?

Monday-Friday, but I will switch around to reduce her being in day care everyday. There is no way I can afford another $XXX this summer. I am trying to pay off my balance from the past as it is....

so now it's gone from especially if I'm home and can take her for the day to I will switch around to reduce her being in day care everyday. I'm smelling something fishy here, especially since he's a compulsive liar. But how can one "switch" around if one works Monday through Friday?


How can you switch your days around to watch her 3 days a week? How can you possibly only work 2 days a week all summer?

Seriously? I will use my vacation time so that I don't have to pay over $XXX in daycare and more importantly it gives me the chance to spend more time with her. I would rather use time to spend with her then hunt in the fall. Why not just say wow, thanks for switching your schedule around instead of questioning my motives?

So here we have him, lie #2, backed into a corner with what I believe is a series of lies, and now he's lashing out. I have not responded since, because I could feel myself getting sucked into the swamp of NPD land.

But, if he is indeed going to use his "vacation time", that would be 30 days of vacation time.

He doesn't get 30 days of vacation, according to my dad, who actually worked with XWH for over 20 years and was under the same union, XWH only gets 20 vacation days. Plus, XWH has already taken 2 VACATIONS this year with the OW.

Realistically, he can not possibly have the time to use. I don't see how he would get away with only working 2 days a week, and using 30 days of vacation time for the entire summer, being that he is the paramedic supervisor.

So my question is WHO is he planning on dumping DD off with?

OW is my guess, but sorry, I'm not having it.

It would be nice to only have to pay for 2 days a week of daycare vs. 5 days a week, but I'm cautious since he only sees her an average of once a month, and neither one of these assholes are anyone I would trust ANYONE'S kid with.

How should I respond? Anyone else deal with the summer daycare issue, or with XWH dumping the kid(s) off with the OW/OM? How did you hande the situation?

[This message edited by sparkysable at 3:24 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

Softcentre posted 4/30/2014 15:45 PM

Call him on his BS.Text him:

So, given that you have 20 days holiday a year and have taken at least 2 vacations already, how do you have enough holiday time for X days looking after our daughter?

SBB posted 4/30/2014 15:50 PM

Does he get to choose whether or not she goes to DC? If not I would not rely on him or OW to be available.

The sad clown fucked me over during my big girls first school holidays. He didn't book her in on my dates even though up until that point he was paying for all DC and before/after school care costs. He decided as vacation care was not explicitly specified in our agreement separately that he would not pay for those (he earns over $250k so more than 2.5x what I do. He had agreed to pay these costs and understood that was our agreement.

Then didn't inform me. I was left scrambling for care.

Talk to your L. I'd personally not ever make this an option unless I had to. If I had to I would insist in FRR (I hope that is in your agreement), explicit agreement that she is never to be left in the care of another, and then I'd get a PI or friend to get photos of him leaving for work and leaving DD with OW. Another thing is insisting on seeing his leave records to confirm he does in fact have the leave available to take, then proof that he has requested that leave. Request that he agree to cover all DC costs if he does pull put or try to have OW care for her.

You may not get any of it but I would still put the request out.

But that's the expensive, stressful and roundabout way and ONLY if my L told me I had to take him up on his offer.

If not - FTG. I would not agree to his offer and would provide no explanation. No is a complete sentence. "I have considered your offer and decided it is not in DDs best interest. DD will be going to DC for the summer." End of story. Ignore the rest.

If it is in your agreement that he has to pay half then you add this to his TAB.

There's also the issue of continuity and stability. My 3.5 year old goes to DC year round with 2 weeks off at Christmas/NY. I assume your DD doesn't go to DC year round? She's somewhere else before/after summer?

I would avoid this like the plague. Not just because of OW but because he sees her once a month so it would be a major adjustment for her and you just cannot rely on him.

What happens if he fucks out and says he can't do it at the last minute? You're screwed with no care. You may not be able to get her in thereby putting your own job at risk.

Talk to your L and find out what you have to agree to.

Nature_Girl posted 4/30/2014 15:51 PM

I'd be direct. Ask him flat-out how many days he has of vacation left, exactly how many days he can commit to this MWF endeavor. Tell him that OW is not acceptable as an alternate caregiver. Tell him that he cannot beg off on certain days if he's called in to work.

I vote for being very precise. We know how difficult it is to pin a slippery NPD down to any kind of commitment. So see if you can.

Dreamboat posted 4/30/2014 15:57 PM

How should I respond?

Dear idiot,

I talked to the day care and they will charge the same amount for 2 days a week as 5 days a week. They stated that if DD takes a slot then they cannot fill if with another child so they must charge full price even if she will not be there every day.

We could reduce the cost by enrolling her a week late or taking her out a week early, but that appears to be the only option.

I don't normally promote lying, but when dealing with a lower muppet then all is fair, IMO.

ETA: my DD's daycare actually did operate this way. You paid the same price no matter how many days you attended.

[This message edited by Dreamboat at 3:59 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 4/30/2014 16:01 PM

It's the same here, Dreamboat. You don't get to pay a daily rate. It's calculated weekly. Only being there a few days a week does not save you any money whatsoever, and furthermore, it can cause you to lose your slot so it goes to a family who needs it more than you apparently do.

caregiver9000 posted 4/30/2014 16:20 PM

Can you ask for confirmation from his employer that his summer schedule allows for this amount of parenting time?

SBB posted 4/30/2014 17:32 PM

Some daycares will give priority to 5 days over 2 days and the only way to secure 2 is to pay for 5. Especially given you're not asking for consecutive days.

I don't know if I'd lie because it could easily be found out.

If it came down to that or OW watching my kids I'd lie my arse off.

I'd talk to your L first and have this as a last last resort and bank on him not calling to check up. You could feign ignorance if caught out. I don't like it at all but it's the lesser of two evils IMO.

I think you'll be stuck high and dry and he'll manoeuvre to have OW care for her. It is classic NPD manipulation. I wouldn't give him a chance unless forced to.

suckstobeme posted 4/30/2014 19:49 PM

Tell him you won't consider it until he gives you a letter from his employer, on letterhead, signed by his supervisor or the HR manager listing the amount of vacation time he has left and confirming that he has already arranged for the days off he proposed to you.

If you actually get that, which I'm sure you won't, then you get everything in writing, including the fact that OW is not her summer caregiver.

Screw him.

Nature_Girl posted 4/30/2014 19:54 PM

Even with a letter from his employer, you'll still be paying for five days a week daycare. This isn't going to save anyone any money.

nowiknow23 posted 4/30/2014 20:06 PM

What does your decree say about any of this? Who gets the final say on summer care? How are disagreements about the care to be resolved?

[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 8:07 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

sparkysable posted 5/1/2014 10:10 AM

He does not get to choose about daycare necessarily. We are supposed to discuss childcare arrangements, but I have the final say. Any disagreements would default to my choice. He does have right of first refusal, so if he were NOT working, he would have first dibs on her as opposed to her being in daycare, but that is not the case here, as he IS supposed to be working, Mon-Fri.

She is in Pre-K during the school year and will be starting K in September, and she has been attending this daycare since she was 21 months old. She loves it, and I love it.

My daycare would allow less than 5 days a week. They have a 2 day/week minimum, and the director has been very understanding about my situation with him, as she herself had a similar XH with similar issues.

However, just because they would allow this 2 day a week doesn't mean it's what I would want. I don't particularly love when he has her, but if he actually was going to be off of work 3 days a week, I guess I would not mind if he had her those days, but I really feel he is pulling some sort of a scam here.

If I were to look at the situation as what would be best for DD, I would say being in daycare, where she is with her friends and the teachers that she loves, where they play games, do crafts, go for walks, go outside, play in the sprinkler, etc. as opposed to OW putting up with her, sitting her in front of the TV, etc.

Financially, though, even though I have been planning for child care all summer and putting money away for it, I still will have to pay the money up front, and then chase after him for his half, which I have been doing for the last few years.

Softcentre posted 5/1/2014 11:05 AM

Any chance that not only is he hoping to pay less childcare,he's also hoping to pay less CS,citing that he will have been looking after her for 3 days a week for the holidays?....

Nature_Girl posted 5/1/2014 11:13 AM

I also think this could be setting a precedent for him getting increased custody.

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