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Newest Member: drummerwife (46039)

User Topic: 2 murders, a suicide and too many affairs to count
Completelybroken
♀ 40051
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a horrible situation and is triggering me big time and I just need to get all these feelings and thoughts out. This will be long.

Backstory:
My FWH worked in the ER it is in the words of management "a cesspool" it is like a fraternity sorority of the firefighters cops and nurses. This is not a generalization this is fact and every few months they (the nurses) have to go to sexual harassment training.
He no longer works there (he's still at the hospital but not the ER) his AP was a coworker. Basically my husband was what I call an emotional slut- shared everything with everybody male and female that he worked with. This lead to a 1 year EA with a 2-3 month PA with his coworker. I was sick with hyperemesis graviosum( a severe form of morning sickness) at this time. The affair was 5 years ago and he told me on his own.
Part of his boundaries are no contact with any of the males or females he over shared with except for professional reasons and he has to tell me immediately- most of these ppl are gone so it's rare he sees anyone.

Last week
Very long story short a few ER nurses, firefighters and cops couldn't keep their legs closed/ dicks in their pants. Some of it had been going on for over 7 years one of the ex- BS's found out about it and what happened seven years ago as well as a few new developments and went and shot one of the firefighters in front of the nurse he was cheating with then held her and the kids hostage for 5 hours before killing himself.

The fallout
1 dead firefighter (murdered by ex BS), 1 dead cop ( caught in crossfire) 1 dead ExBS (suicide). Over 8 kids between them all as well as oc that weren't known about until now. All these people worked closely with my husband and I knew them as well.

My husband first told me he wouldn't go to the funeral out of respect for me and the boundaries since it's a fair assumption many of the people from 5 years ago will be there.

I told him no he is going and I will go with him. He is to be polite but not touch or talk in detail about our lives with anybody in the past with the exception of the wife of the firefighter. He will hug her and look in her eyes and feel and see the pain of the consequences of affairs.

This situation has opened his eyes and he finally truly "gets it" even though something happens a long time ago there are still consequences and they can be severe. (He is also now very afraid bc their story ER nurses cops and firefighters are all our story as well.) no one would have believed these people would be capable of what all they did until it happened.

Honestly this is a consequence I never considered since it is so extreme. Now I am scared as well (will someone show up at my door with a gun pissed bc my husband slept with their ex wife and or ex gf 5 years ago??) it's all so crazy.

Plus now I have to go to a funeral tomorrow and be polite to ppl I don't want to be polite too.

Don't really know what I want but I just had to get all those thoughts out of my head since there is no one IRL I can really talk to about it. I fell better getting it all out.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Completelybroken)))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) What a horrific way for him to "get it."

I have to go to a funeral tomorrow and be polite to ppl I don't want to be polite too.

Actually, you don't. Have to be polite. You can attend the funeral, and if any of these people try to speak to you, despite your dagger eyes at them as they approach, you can simply say "I have nothing to speak to you about," and turn and walk away. Or just turn your backs on them and walk. The only person that you need to be polite and kind to, is the BS.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5238 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry, CB. I think at this far out, you may be able to count the limited number of blessings from the situation, which are that the OBS (if there was one) or the AP kept it together enough, to keep everyone safe.

I know I think about this in our instance too -- the OBS in our situation is a bit of a depressive, and I have worried for his mental health and safety. The AP is prone to fanciful thinking and escapism. There are kids involved. I cross my fingers every day and hope for healing for everyone.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So so sorry to hear what happened. I have no advice, but felt I should say something since this was very nearly me six months ago. Luckily, I didn't have access to firearms and checked myself into the Psych Hospital instead. My prayers are with all who are effected by this, including you and your FWH. There but for the Grace of God go I.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 2098 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Furious1
♀ 42970
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really hate that this happened. I can't help but think about all of the different posts I've read where the WS believes what they did was no big deal or wasn't all that painful. I also think back to all of the crazy making my own WH did.

So much pain and so much selfishness. And for what? A cheap thrill? The problem is that even when something this tragic does not occur, lives are still destroyed. Everyone is left affected.

I hope the funeral goes smoothly for the OBW and for you. Maybe it will serve as a wake up call to the others involved in that cesspool.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD26 from his 1st M. DS21 from my 1st M. DD17 (autistic), OC18 (S), OC17 (D)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 402 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
yearsofpain25
♂ 42012
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to hear that happened. A truly horrific story. Talk about a trigger. (((completelybromen)))

Hope all goes well for you going forward.


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Completelybroken
♀ 40051
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses, especially the one about not having to be polite to EVERYONE.

This is the first time there is a very certain chance of me being around all theses ppl and I have to hold it together and not stand up and yell in the middle of a funeral full of cheaters and liars now do you all get it????? your "just playing around" and "helping each other through" and " it won't hurt anybody bc they won't find out" is such a load of crap.
PEOPLE DIED bc of similar choices. NOT mistakes, choices that they made to be selfish.

Maybe I shouldn't go. But I still feel my H should. I just don't know and am exhausted from all the thinking.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Gman1
♂ 40879
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a horrible thing but one that happens several times a day every day someplace in this country. I do not think that some people really understand the extreme raw emotions that infidelity brings to the surface. It can turn a normal, healthy person into another person who is capable of doing almost anything because of the huge amount of rage flowing through his or her veins. I am sorry that you have to be involved in any way with such a bad situation.

I also know that working in a ER is a very strange work environment and is charged full of as you say "cesspool" like folks. I used to have a friend who was an ER doctor and the ER was similar to a rock tour... full of sex, drugs and rock and roll. In some instances, I think the ring leaders may actually be the ER doctors from what I have heard. Nearly anything goes and I have even heard that some in the group were swingers and partied like they were in college several times a week. Crazy stuff!


Posts: 281 | Registered: Oct 2013
yearsofpain25
♂ 42012
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see how that is terribly exhausting for you. My head hurts just thinking about all of it. I know you want to be there for your H, but this sounds like this is one massive trigger for you. Everything about this situation is terribly upsetting. I get that you may want really want to be there, but why put yourself through that if you don't need to? I'm pretty good about keeping my mouth shut when I need to, but man I could see how you might want to go off on these people. I feel for you Completelybroken.


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
sadone29
♀ 38597
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, how disappointing to know that those put in charge of keeping us alive are busy doing this kind of stuff.

Soon after DDay, H asked me why I wasn't raging. I don't him that people kill over this kind of thing and I was trying to tread as carefully through it as I could.

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much right now.

(((completelybroken)))


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 815 | Registered: Mar 2013
Completelybroken
♀ 40051
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all again for your comments. I have decided to go- I am going to have to deal with these people eventually it might as well be on my terms.

Gman u r very right about the sex and drugs in the ER- it is horrible-and they get away with it bc not many people are willing to work ER so they never drug test ( my husband worked there for 10 years and only has been drug tested once) and since the ER staff takes care of the cops/firefighters when something goes wrong if a cop finds drugs or pulls someone over for DUI they ignore it or foul up paperwork on purpose so the ppl they " owe their lives to" don't ever have to pay consequences. Creating a vicious cycle of self entitlement

All right off I go .


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Furious1
♀ 42970
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((CB)))))))))

I was thinking about you and wondering how today went. Update us when you can.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD26 from his 1st M. DS21 from my 1st M. DD17 (autistic), OC18 (S), OC17 (D)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 402 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Completelybroken
♀ 40051
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was the most depressing funeral i have ever been to. NO ONE stood up to say anything for him. It was a packed, people standing in the hallways firefighters nurses doctors and police everywhere. I saw many people i knew were/ or had affairs looking around very uncomfortably. No one really talked to anybody else. It was almost creepy. So many people and no one saying anything to each other or about the firefighter ( who had many affairs) who died.

This was a man who in all other aspects of his life was a hero- he was known for his bravery and saved many lives over his career, yet no one had anything to say.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
yearsofpain25
♂ 42012
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. That is eerie. I'm sure something you will never forget. I'm happy that you now have that event out of your way.

Thinking of you Completelybroken. Hopefully no more triggers today.


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Topic Posts: 15

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