SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

brokeninhalf4034 posted 4/30/2014 16:34 PM

Need to hear from the experts here.
So he supposedly went NC three days after Dday.
This is a woman that he threw everything for. For 4 years (LTA). Is it that easy?

Is my pain and seeing it really enough to make that NC true? How is that possible? I get that “we” BS see relationships differently and can’t imagine how people live double lives.
I just really can’t believe that seeing the devastation that you have caused makes you stop.

devasted30 posted 4/30/2014 17:42 PM

My WS doesn't even think about the OW except when I bring it up. He had an affair (on and off) with her for 3 years. He left me and lived with her for 11 weeks. He never thinks about her except in the negative and that is when I force him to think about her. And I believe him. Yes, I do believe it is that easy.

IWantDoOver posted 4/30/2014 17:43 PM

Sending the NC letter is the easy part.

Doing the work, and examining the wayward justifications that led to 4-year A, is the hard part. It takes a while for the head-heart-gut-groin to settle into agreement.

The real question is what happens when one, or both, of the AP choose to challenge NC?

Broken1Again posted 4/30/2014 18:17 PM

It is entirely possible that right now he is NC...He may stay NC, he may be tempted to break it. Time will tell, but in the meantime, are you in MC? IT is very important for you and him, and to help maintain the NC. It is not foolproof, and a lot of WS slip up and contact again, or the AP comes digging for a bread crumb. So you both have to work hard on A proofing your marriage.

Also, did you set your boundaries. Did you let your WS know what will happen if NC is broken? Are you prepared to follow through with it?

brokeninhalf4034 posted 4/30/2014 18:17 PM

Thank you for respones. Couldn't agree more...
What happens now.

vivere posted 4/30/2014 19:19 PM

Not an expert but yes I think it is possible, especially when the AP 'could have been anyone'.

My H thought I would never find out about his long distance A. It was all conducted during business hours and in his mind was totally separate from the life with us (his family).

I think the drama that unfolded when DD happened was enough to slap him into reality. He threw OW under the bus, jumped on a plane and has never returned to that country again. He has maintained NC and says he never even thinks of her and I'm inclined to believe him.

That being said I know a lot of work needs to be done to ensure it never happens again...but that's for another thread.

Ostrich80 posted 4/30/2014 23:52 PM

I was worried about that too. My ws was caught and didn't expect it so I couldn't see how he could just drop her suddenly .
How's ws acting at home? Do you feel like he's breaking NC?

Ivyivy posted 5/1/2014 08:11 AM

My situation was similar. He went NC within a couple of days. I think he spent the first day trying to cover up his tracks but then went NC. The odd thing about his going NC right away is that in my mind, it meant that he cheated on me, betrayed me, broke our trust and family for somebody he could dismiss from his life in a day. It is something I could not understand and still do not understand.

carnelian posted 5/1/2014 08:14 AM

I've always thought that if he could just dismiss me so easily, then it would be no problem for him to do it to someone else. This one aspect has bothered me more than most others.

Christy516 posted 5/6/2014 20:25 PM

Sometimes they aren't in NC and have just gone further underground. This happened to me for 6 months before true NC. At that time it didn't seem very hard for him to do. And i do believe this one is real finally.

FightingBack posted 5/6/2014 20:39 PM

I believe this is possible. My WH led a double life for 15 years.... Or at least he had a mistress....or at least he was having sex with his skanky employee for 15 years.

But...the day after dday he went NC. He didn't do this of his own accord. At the time we didn't know the importance of it, plus we were both in shock, but I demanded that she leave his business where she had been employed for 28 years, and she did. She tried to make contact a couple of times afterward but WH was too scars to reciprocate.

I know that there has been no physical contact. He travels to and from work with my son and is with me the rest of the time.
I monitor his emails and occasionally his phone history.

He claims he doesn't even think about her unless I bring her up, at which time he is now nauseated.

I believe this. I'm not sure I believe his claims to be devoted, committed, and dedicated to me now, but I believe the relief he felt on dday and afterward about not having to lie, deceive and cover up any more.

He claims he is happier than he ever has been, and never has any warm and fuzzy feelings about his aAP.

So, I firmly believe that this is possible.

FightingBack posted 5/6/2014 20:56 PM

Just want to add that for a long time I couldn't understand how this was possible. But I tell you with (almost complete) certainty that this is so.

100% certainty is something that I will never feel again.

My WH just asked me what I was posting. I told him and he said. "Of course it it is possible. That's it. That's all. It is a rule.

FightingBack posted 5/6/2014 20:59 PM

One more thing. I have come to realize that dday was a HUGE wake-up call. With it came relief as well as shock and fear. When he finally allowed himself to see what the consequences were, he threw away his relationship with MOW and dove whole heatedly into making things right with me. It was like a douse of cold water.