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Better meet my needs, but I won't tell you what they

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iwillNOT posted 4/30/2014 17:07 PM

Are.

Some days I am just so tired of putting in the effort.

We had MC today. We have been working our way around to looking at what was happening in our lives/marriage before the A. Something came up that I already knew, but today it just kind of stuck with me and it's really depressing me.

Shortly before my WH's most recent A, I returned to school to pursue a career change. Before I did so, of course I talked it over with WH because of course that's what you DO with big decisions in a marriage(unless you are my WH). You talk about them with your spouse. He agreed with me going back, he said it was ok with him. I came back to him at least 2 times asking was he sure it was ok from his end? Yes, yes, it's fine.

Except it wasn't. After 10 years of pregnancy/ parenting/babies, he didn't want me to launch into a career change. But to my face he told me ok. Then, he used that to justify cheating in his own mind. He told himself that since I was returning to school then I didn't care about us having time together. He'd just go and find himself some attention.

Why didn't he just tell me he thought it wasn't the right time for such a big change? Or try to discuss a solution, or maybe delaying school a couple of years, something?

The sheer insanity of lying about/ not discussing your needs, then blaming someone for not meeting those needs and essentially getting back at them with an affair...ugh. The dysfunction boggles the mind.


[This message edited by iwillNOT at 5:09 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

Chinadoll30 posted 4/30/2014 17:12 PM

I have been talking to my WH about this, too. Due to FOO, he thinks he can't ask for what he needs. Or he asks in an impolite, confrontational way. Then when I fail to meet his needs, he makes me into the enemy/mean wife lady, and acts out. As if he is 3 years old. In our case, until he addresses his FOO bullshit, this cycle will keep repeating.

MissMouseMo posted 4/30/2014 17:39 PM

I'm just guessing here but I think he's retrofitting the facts a dash of plausibility.

He had the affair, he's rummaging around in his brainpan to find out how the h*ll he got there and landed on lonesome-because-you-went-to-school as his first dart thrown at the board.

But that brings up something I have been wrestling with today. How to be really honest. Because I see so many times in my life where I couldn't bear the thought of being who I am (that I could be petty or angry over something I thought *should* be small but turned out to be big in my deepest, embarrassed heart), and **how do we recognize what our unconscious won't even allow in**?

Honestly, if I were him and you came to me, I would feel like a heel if I said, "Oh no, you can't go to school. Now's a bad time for me." I'd feel like a jerk. And I'm not a jerk, so I know the right answer: of course you can go. No matter how many times you ask.

BUT: not admitting something doesn't make it not REAL. I may say yes, I may even believe it - sorta...in the way that I always want to believe I'm a pretty good kid.

I don't know. I understand some of the facets of the issue, but it sounds like he's got more digging around to do.

Sorry if I rambled or t/j...although I think it's kind of on topic (but see?? Does my apologzing mean I secretly think I'm doing it and I'm just not owning it?? Sheesh.)

iwillNOT posted 4/30/2014 18:11 PM

Chinadoll30 a

Exactly!

Due to FOO, he thinks he can't ask for what he needs. Or he asks in an impolite, confrontational way. Then when I fail to meet his needs, he makes me into the enemy/mean wife lady, and acts out. As if he is 3 years old.

^^^^^^^^^this^^^^^^^^^

It's so frustrating and maddening. How can you give someone what they need, if they don't tell you what they need? I have been meaning to read more about passive-aggressive behaviour, because the little I do know seems like it might fit.


MissmouseMo - heehee your ending comments made me giggle. Thank you! And yes, I do think he has much more digging to do, but the whole thought train of his with not communicating his needs then getting mad they aren't being met - this is a thing he does.

Honestly, if I were him and you came to me, I would feel like a heel if I said, "Oh no, you can't go to school. Now's a bad time for me." I'd feel like a jerk. And I'm not a jerk, so I know the right answer: of course you can go. No matter how many times you ask.

BUT: not admitting something doesn't make it not REAL. I may say yes, I may even believe it - sorta...in the way that I always want to believe I'm a pretty good kid.


Sorry if I rambled or t/j...although I think it's kind of on topic (but see?? Does my apologzing mean I secretly think I'm doing it and I'm just not owning it?? Sheesh.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

H

onestly, if I were him and you came to me, I would feel like a heel if I said, "Oh no, you can't go to school. Now's a bad time for me." I'd feel like a jerk. And I'm not a jerk, so I know the right answer: of course you can go. No matter how many times you ask.

BUT: not admitting something doesn't make it not REAL. I may say yes, I may even believe it - sorta...in the way that I always want to believe I'm a pretty good kid.

This rings very true. A part of the people-pleasing and need to not be a bad guy, I know that's a big part of his boundary issues. It may be very presumptuous to say but I can see so much of this behaviour in him in different situations, and I don't think he sees it. I want to make him see it but he has to see it for himself! Crazymaking!!!!

Here I am, trying to reconcile, as is he...if we can't both state our needs it's like trying to make omelet a with no eggs.

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 6:12 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

MissMouseMo posted 4/30/2014 21:47 PM

I know - it's circular and crazy-making until you go at it enough times until something finally clicks and you get it (or HE gets it).

"if we can't both state our needs it's like trying to make omelet a with no eggs."
>>Heehee: yeah, he's going to find some eggs...ahem...huevos!

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