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Just beginning the process

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HeBrokeVows posted 4/30/2014 22:14 PM

A few days ago I finally told my story JFO. My Dday was March 12th where I found an email account I never knew about and there unfolded the affair. He left me and the kids 3 days later, didn't want this anymore. He then changed his tune and said he did a week or so later but till this date hasn't shown anything to prove that. Very little remorse, won't own up to what's happened, won't go back to therapy, won't leave his job and does nothing to get me or the kids back. I laid it on the line with a deadline of asking for passwords, account info, and basically the money trail of the amount he gave this OW. He wouldn't provide it and I believe money is still being unaccounted for. The second email was telling him the things I'd need for him to come back, he never answered it. I was ready to move forward after living in limbo since September.

For the protection of me and my children, I'm filing for D. I saw a lawyer 6 weeks ago when he left and have been in contact with her since as she's been advising me. She told me I need to do it to protect myself. It will force him to fill out his financials and uncover probably all his lies of money and accounts. She's doing the paperwork, I should be getting it soon, signing it and then he will be served probably next week.

As much as I know I need to do this, it just feels so bad. If he would've given me the financials, I'd hold off as he sits in the fog figuring out if he'll do all he needs to do to R and I'd continue to do the 180. I always thought when I get married that marriages can get by affairs, and I still believe that. But he has to do the work.

My biggest fear about this is my kids. I need to get used to the fact they will be without me some days, and that just sucks. They are extremely attached to me since he started all this in the fall and even more now that he's gone. Behaviors are fine, they are actually doing great with his bad energy gone but of course they miss him. We have our first child therapist apt tomorrow. I've been seeing my therapist since Nov/Dec.

I didn't have the affair. I don't want to miss out on a holiday with them. I didn't sign up for this!!! I don't think he will fight me on custody, he knows they are happy here and I'm a SAHM, he works out of state and has 1.5 hr commute each direction each day. In fact, he probably will get an apt. by his work. But overnights? They are 4.5 years old (twins). They haven't been without me. I know I'm jumping ahead here and my lawyer keeps saying babysteps but I can't even imagine.

If I didn't file D, maybe I can just live separated like this and I won't lose control and they'll never go a night without me. But then my financial well being is at risk.

Please talk some sense in me. This really sucks and I feel just so bad right now. Thanks for listening.

JerseyCowgirl posted 5/1/2014 05:37 AM

I want you to know that I will keep you in my thoughts today & share your pain as you go thru this. You are doing the right thing to protect yourself & your children. Remember..filing for divorce doesn't always lead to divorce--things can change at any point.
Show him the strong woman you are & you will not allow him to do this to you or your children. Get your he should have put towards your children's future he wasted on OW..get Mad!

Gemini71 posted 5/1/2014 06:54 AM

While it may be tempting to just let things ride, it leaves you without any protection. You're aware of the financial vulnerability, but there is also custody issues. Your WH is deep in the fog of his affair right now, but what happens if he changes his mind? As long as you are married and do not have any legal agreements, he has equal rights to the kids. I've heard some horror stories here on SI about STBXs using the kids to hurt their betrayed spouses. Possibly missing a night or two with the kids is a small price to pay for having clear legal rights to your kids.

You're on the right path. Don't second guess yourself now.

hurtyetstrong posted 5/1/2014 07:34 AM

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. It took me over a year to finally accept that divorce is the best option. Like you, I'm a SAHM and the fear of starting over has definitely held me back. (as well as not wanting to 'share' my children, I totally get you on that)

I have decided that my emotional stability is worth more than the few perks of remaining married. I know I'll be a better woman and mother without him, so I'm doing this FOR my kids as well. Which is funny, as previously they were a deterrent for me to leave him. But now I know we'll all be better this way.

I have no idea how it'll affect WH, but at this point, I don't care.

Hugs. You are not alone.

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