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Am I setting up walls that are not necessary.

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LearningToFly posted 5/1/2014 00:17 AM

Its been a year since I found out about my WH affair of 20 months plus time in the fog. We are in marriage counseling and he is working and changing. He tells me all the time that he is doing this. Sometimes I see it and often I think he has traded one withholding behavior for another.

Last week our marriage counselor told me that I have a wall and have given up, that my husband is changing and he is going to get tired if I don't respond. That I am not doing anything to help the marriage get back on its feet.

I admit I am scared to death. i was so hurt by what he did and then how he behaved after the A came out. It was mostly online but after telling me he was no longer in a relationship with her, he followed thorough on his plans to meet her and they "kissed." I actually believe that he is telling the truth that that is all they did but it still speaks that he took it to the next level by meeting after he said it was over and he wanted to work on us. Then he gave me an email address and password but withheld another one. When I got the other one, I learned that they were purposely deceiving me. Then her father died and he wrote a poem for her and convinced the MC that it was from a good heart that he was going to send it, he knew that I was broken hearted and upset that he was breaking NC. It was only when MC found out the complete story that she told him to erase the poem unsent and he did. Then he planned to go to a concert with the band they shared together at the place they use to date in High School. He had also lied about where he was going and met up with her a year before. I was very upset about that and we argued for a month because he insisted that he wanted to go to the concert, nothing else. I was devastated that he could be so cold to me. He didn't end up going but only because when the MC found out, she told him not to. That was last August.

Anyway, we are supposed to list our top 5 needs in marriage for tomorrow. I asked him if we could talk about them tonight before meeting just so I would know where he was at. Four of the five have to do with sex or having fun. The other one has to do with the "way I communicate." I am honest about how I feel. I have gotten upset and said things I shouldn't have at times. But, even now when I am so much better at expressing myself, he is still offended often. I am not a perfect/counselor sounding person when talking to him but I don't think I am a crazy abusive lunatic either. He doesn't like to hear anything negative, he disagrees with my reality more than not, and after we are done talking, it doesn't appear that my feelings mean anything to him anyway.

I find it hard to even think about a physical relationship with him right now. Even though I have explained over and over how devastating his behavior is to me, he sees it as my experience not his. Even now, he says he had no reason to not send the poem to his AP's mother or to miss out on the concert. He still insists that they were no big deal. I know that if the MC hadn't said no to them he would have sent the poem and gone to the concert. I realize that he was getting over her (He "loved her like no other.") but it bothers me that he believes this way NOW after months to think about it.

It also bothers me that he says he needs lots of sex, affection, praise, light hearted teasing with sexual undertones, and for me to initiate these things. Our sex life has been empty for me for most of our marriage. Our focus early on was meeting his needs. I didnt know what my sexual needs were (I still don't.) He has used Porn for at least half of it and when he does that I am either non existent when we have sex or we just don't have it at all. When we do, he is not aware of me. I feel alone. He also has a hard time finishing without a hand job. As far as being light hearted and sexual, that is the last thing on my mind right now. It would be wonderful to feel that way but it would take changes in his attitude for me to feel safe enough to relax and be that way.

What I need is to feel save and cared for. When he looks back on his affair and what he did afterward, he says it was wrong. He says he is sorry. Yet, he cannot understand why I am so afraid to open up to him. I believe I could forgive him. I think I have forgiven him. But forgiving him is my decision. Feeling safe and cared for comes from what he does and thinks. Minimizing my feelings, stopping behavior for a MC but not for me, and believing that he had the affair because he needed "love, acceptance, and validation" when he is unwilling to give me the same puts me in a bad place.

I don't want to divorce because he isn't all bad. We have been married almost 30 years and nearing retirement. Our kids are still dependent on us. We will both be financially destroyed by a divorce.

I am feeling like the MC wants me to show some movement forward. It would be easy if WH was somewhat empathetic. Yet, he seems to believe that he is entitled to his sexual desires even if he is unable/unwilling to meet me half way with some emotional connection.

Am I being unreasonable and holding a grudge for what he did/is doing. He isn't cheating anymore, he is just not getting how his behavior with porn and the affair have really messed me up in feeling sexual toward him. I have healed mostly without his help. He is my one and only if that matters.

FixYou71 posted 5/1/2014 01:26 AM

Oh sweety, what a crappy situation. How do you feel about your MC? Do you feel she is challenging him and making him look at his issues? Are you communicating what you just did here in your post in your sessions? Have you communicated this to your H? He sounds self absorbed and in need of a hard kick in the pants. Perhaps an MC with a tougher stance is in order?

isadora posted 5/1/2014 05:04 AM

What is he doing to make you feel safe? If its nothing then your walls are there to protect you. What is he doing to fix himself and figure out why he chose to cheat in the first place? IMO, until he does some work on himself NC will be all about him. Sometimes NC don't know what they are talking about. Does your NC have experience with infidelity? Not everyone does?

LearningToFly posted 5/1/2014 11:05 AM

I think our MC is really good. She has told him a lot of what I have tried to express for years. He usually agrees then responds with a what about me comment. Its really frustrating.

He is going to IC. He says he had the affair because he runs from conflict and we had so much in our lives with multiple deaths, drug addict kids, my lashing out at him AND I wasn't giving him love, acceptance, and validation. He is now trying to stay with me when we talk. He is trying not to get defensive. He is trying to initiate affection and positive times.

I don't feel safe because he still minimizes what he did in the affair and with porn which is still and on and off problem. When we talk, he gets defensive. He holds on to his world view which seems to revolve around only him. He hears the MC, yet the only part he wants to apply is the part where she is telling me how to change. He seems to live for fun and sex. I have not been a part of either for a long time but that doesn't seem to matter. He can have both without me and has for a long time.

Is divorce inevitable? I am dreading out appointment today. I am afraid she is going to stop seeing us. She has asked why we are there for the past 3 weeks and i am having a hard time coming up with a reason anymore.

FixYou71 posted 5/1/2014 23:48 PM

I am so sorry he doesn't get it. You deserve true intimacy. You are surely not getting it with his current view on these issues. It's sad because if only he could cherish you and make you feel safe you would probably want all the sex he does or at least desire him more than you do now. He seems to want to start at the finish line. He doesn't seem to see the damage his sex/porn issues have done to you and that is fundamental for your R.
Perhaps he needs some greater consequences to push him to a address these issues?

Nature_Girl posted 5/2/2014 00:07 AM

Sorry, but this is what it seems like you're being asked to do.

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