Its been a year since I found out about my WH affair of 20 months plus time in the fog. We are in marriage counseling and he is working and changing. He tells me all the time that he is doing this. Sometimes I see it and often I think he has traded one withholding behavior for another.
Last week our marriage counselor told me that I have a wall and have given up, that my husband is changing and he is going to get tired if I don't respond. That I am not doing anything to help the marriage get back on its feet.
I admit I am scared to death. i was so hurt by what he did and then how he behaved after the A came out. It was mostly online but after telling me he was no longer in a relationship with her, he followed thorough on his plans to meet her and they "kissed." I actually believe that he is telling the truth that that is all they did but it still speaks that he took it to the next level by meeting after he said it was over and he wanted to work on us. Then he gave me an email address and password but withheld another one. When I got the other one, I learned that they were purposely deceiving me. Then her father died and he wrote a poem for her and convinced the MC that it was from a good heart that he was going to send it, he knew that I was broken hearted and upset that he was breaking NC. It was only when MC found out the complete story that she told him to erase the poem unsent and he did. Then he planned to go to a concert with the band they shared together at the place they use to date in High School. He had also lied about where he was going and met up with her a year before. I was very upset about that and we argued for a month because he insisted that he wanted to go to the concert, nothing else. I was devastated that he could be so cold to me. He didn't end up going but only because when the MC found out, she told him not to. That was last August.
Anyway, we are supposed to list our top 5 needs in marriage for tomorrow. I asked him if we could talk about them tonight before meeting just so I would know where he was at. Four of the five have to do with sex or having fun. The other one has to do with the "way I communicate." I am honest about how I feel. I have gotten upset and said things I shouldn't have at times. But, even now when I am so much better at expressing myself, he is still offended often. I am not a perfect/counselor sounding person when talking to him but I don't think I am a crazy abusive lunatic either. He doesn't like to hear anything negative, he disagrees with my reality more than not, and after we are done talking, it doesn't appear that my feelings mean anything to him anyway.
I find it hard to even think about a physical relationship with him right now. Even though I have explained over and over how devastating his behavior is to me, he sees it as my experience not his. Even now, he says he had no reason to not send the poem to his AP's mother or to miss out on the concert. He still insists that they were no big deal. I know that if the MC hadn't said no to them he would have sent the poem and gone to the concert. I realize that he was getting over her (He "loved her like no other.") but it bothers me that he believes this way NOW after months to think about it.
It also bothers me that he says he needs lots of sex, affection, praise, light hearted teasing with sexual undertones, and for me to initiate these things. Our sex life has been empty for me for most of our marriage. Our focus early on was meeting his needs. I didnt know what my sexual needs were (I still don't.) He has used Porn for at least half of it and when he does that I am either non existent when we have sex or we just don't have it at all. When we do, he is not aware of me. I feel alone. He also has a hard time finishing without a hand job. As far as being light hearted and sexual, that is the last thing on my mind right now. It would be wonderful to feel that way but it would take changes in his attitude for me to feel safe enough to relax and be that way.
What I need is to feel save and cared for. When he looks back on his affair and what he did afterward, he says it was wrong. He says he is sorry. Yet, he cannot understand why I am so afraid to open up to him. I believe I could forgive him. I think I have forgiven him. But forgiving him is my decision. Feeling safe and cared for comes from what he does and thinks. Minimizing my feelings, stopping behavior for a MC but not for me, and believing that he had the affair because he needed "love, acceptance, and validation" when he is unwilling to give me the same puts me in a bad place.
I don't want to divorce because he isn't all bad. We have been married almost 30 years and nearing retirement. Our kids are still dependent on us. We will both be financially destroyed by a divorce.
I am feeling like the MC wants me to show some movement forward. It would be easy if WH was somewhat empathetic. Yet, he seems to believe that he is entitled to his sexual desires even if he is unable/unwilling to meet me half way with some emotional connection.
Am I being unreasonable and holding a grudge for what he did/is doing. He isn't cheating anymore, he is just not getting how his behavior with porn and the affair have really messed me up in feeling sexual toward him. I have healed mostly without his help. He is my one and only if that matters.