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Broken NC forced on me and someone tried to start an A with me

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PhantomLimb posted 5/1/2014 05:55 AM

Just a normal week, right?

X works at a prestigious place in our field. It killed me to have to quit my job (although I'm on a much better path now). It's reasonable that some of our shared friends/colleagues would want to work there, so I haven't asked any of them to somehow "choose" me over X if communicating with him is advantageous to their careers.

Right after the D one of my girlfriends checked in with me and I told her what happened. She has been a colleague and friend and even, at one time, mentor for over 10 years. Knew me and X when we were still dating. I felt uneasy telling her for some reason. Something told me I couldn't trust her. But she was supportive and kind to me in the aftermath.

Wake up yesterday and there are photos posted all over on her various media sites: she's working for/with X. Didn't warn me, didn't let me know in any way. I just got photo bombed out of the blue with photos of my old job and my old home, with X commenting and liking all of the photos. I immediately unfriended her without a word. Again, I'm not saying she shouldn't be allowed to work wherever she wants, to have a relationship with X if that's what she wants, but as a friend, I deserved more than to be blindsided by this. She has to know that would be surprising and triggering for me.

The good news is that seeing those photos-- I didn't automatically pine for home and feel crushed. But the broken NC (in the sense of "new hurts") hit me a little hard in general. I'm in my one year DDay ani right now, so I was already a bit primed for being sad. And I'm just so disappointed there are so many broken people out there willing to hurt each other.

On that note, I thought the big news this week is that one of my other, very married, mentors tried to start an A with me. Led me to meet him somewhere under false pretenses to go over some work, turned out we were the only people there, he came on to me and got grabby and I had to high tail it out of there. He knows I'm just coming out of a S/D over infidelity-- is he insane?? I suspect that relationship is fully over (I mean, I'm NCing now, anyway).

It's hard to keep losing people like this. I have great boundaries and I'm glad, in a way, to weed out the weirdos in my life. See who are the true friends. But I can't help but feel sort of disappointed in humanity a little bit here....

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 5:58 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]

imwideawake posted 5/1/2014 06:30 AM

((Phantom limb)) What a week! I'm sorry all that happened.

SBB posted 5/1/2014 06:43 AM

Not choosing sides is choosing sides, IMO. Working in the same field yes paths will cross but being in his home and socialising with the fucker is a whole other kettle of fish.

Now block her and X please so you don't have to see his comments or any of hers! When she calls you don't have to defend your decision. "I've made a decision to cut all contact with him and as you're in contact that now includes you. Thank you for understanding." End of discussion.

In a sense my little girls break NC for me on a regular basis - I hate hearing anything about what goes on over there but it is half of their lives so I have to grin and "that's nice" my way though it whilst diverting them to the parts about them in the story (which I do want to hear). He grills them about me too - my big girl calls him a sticky beak.

But these are my kids - no way in hell would I subject myself to it from a friend.

As for the WH - get the net!! How the fuck DARE HE!! I'd be tempted to go postal and tell him I'm going to tell his wife. But I'm militant like that - I kind of always have been. I used to tell my old boss (who was a WH but divorced years before I was his EA - Executive Assistant!) that if he cheated on his SO I would be the first to know and the first to dob his arse in. He was also aware I'd be her alibi if she killed him.

[This message edited by SBB at 8:41 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]

yearsofpain25 posted 5/1/2014 07:01 AM

I'm sorry your having such a tough week PL. Sounds like that "friend" is either completely clueless or just doesn't care what you think. Unfortunately, either way doesn't sound like much of a friend. You shouldn't have to deal with a coworker's very forward advances either. Not ever, especially a married one. Yikes!! It's one thing to let a coworker know that you may have feelings for them, after all I did marry one of my coworkers, but sounds like what you experienced was something completely uncalled for. And to have it during your antiversary week.

This being your antiversary week can be very tough anyway. I recently helped a deer friend through hers. Triggers everywhere but she came through like a champ in the end. That's what I see for you. I've seem some of your other posts and I know that you are a tough as nails no nonsense lady. Next week will be better for you.

And this...

But I can't help but feel sort of disappointed in humanity a little bit here....

I know how you feel. I'm often disappointed at the injustice of it all. But then I'm reminded of how much good there is out there too. For all the brokenness that is on SI, there are some really amazing people here and so much good. The kindness of others can be overwhelming here at times. I also live in the Boston area and we just celebrated the Boston Marathon. Even with the horror of what happened here, I've been constantly reminded lately of the outpouring of people coming to each other at the worst possible time. I was bombarded with it daily on the news and all around me for weeks leading up to the marathon. The stories about how good humanity can be was inspiring. Even though you have had a really bad week, shitty xWH, shitty friend, shitty coworker, remember that there is a lot of good out there and don't let these idiots get to you. F those people.

Week is almost over PL. Brighter skies next week to come!!


Gemini71 posted 5/1/2014 07:02 AM

I completely understand the loss of faith in humanity. It's really amazing how many people think "it's no big deal." Enforce your boundaries and cut the morally bankrupt out of your life. There are good people out there. You don't need those losers.

jjct posted 5/1/2014 07:20 AM

just damn PL!

I'll tell you this -
*Grabby Guy* is insane,
in the sense that he is in THRALL to his baser instincts...
you know,
it's the lion spotting the limp-thing.

whadda douche! ijit needs to have one of those *grabby*, iron-studded collars chained to his dick.

I wonder how long he'll remain "very married"...bc you know this too:
his W needs to know.

PhantomLimb posted 5/1/2014 08:11 AM

I agree that my so-called friend is no friend to do this. I don't know if she contacted X when she found out we split or if X head-hunted her... whatever it is, to spring it on me like that just is thoughtless and I don't need it in my life. I just wish that I didn't still have these reminders and hurts, but I definitely bounce back more quickly and stronger than before.

I spoke to my father last night and he said something that was very much a Dad-ism, but I liked it: he said that dealing with the aftermath of X's A and all that comes with it is sort of like a comet. It's out there and it's going to swipe by every now and then and make itself known and then go on aimlessly wandering again. I just have to get used to having to deal with it here and there, but it's just a passing thing. I love Dad wisdom!

As for the would-be WH, an email from him this morning. He's trying to flirt, but he's saying he's going to be looking for my car at a friend's house that lives near by. Wonderful.

I've thought about talking to his wife. But he's a smooth customer. I know I can't be the first. I'm just not sure how to handle it. I've never been on this side of things. His "grabby" was in the context of communicating something to me and being tactile about it... and then at one point putting his hand on the back of my head (fingers through my hair) to encourage me to move in a certain direction... and then on my way out, a kiss on the cheek that lingered too long and he pressed up against me (and I believe I got a very, um, firm message about his intentions at that point, if you know what I mean). It's so frustrating to know that, even if I told him these things, he's going to deny it, of course. Men in power. Oy.

ETA: SSB: I've unfriended them both, but I haven't blocked X because we have so many colleagues in common, and have such a similar sense of humor, that I found myself beginning to post on certain people's posts, and X had already said the same thing or just generally had commented. I thought it was a good idea for me to at least be able to see his activity in some cases to avoid this kind of thing unwittingly and, also, it's useful for me to see who is still in communication with him for the purposes of knowing who I can trust. Many of our colleagues and friends have cut him off, and I know those people are true friends. Those who haven't, I know I can't tell everything because I don't want him knowing anything about me (e.g., one of my girlfriend's husband is still friends with X and reposts some of his stupid posts-- so I'm careful what I tell her).

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:15 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]

marlie2014 posted 5/1/2014 08:39 AM

Yikes! I'm so sorry that happened to you. How incredibly creepy. It would have both hurt and been deeply disturbing at the same time. Maybe you could forward the wife his flirtatious e-mail? That might be easier than trying to prove what he did.

I'm sorry about the friend, too. I've had mostly positive experiences so far since STBX and I split up, but I did get asked out by the man who bought my wedding ring which was pretty crazy if you ask me. I also get the "who would cheat on YOU?" comment from men I know fairly often.

SBB posted 5/1/2014 08:45 AM

PL, you've given me this reasoning before and I still don't see that the perceived benefit to you outweighs the cost. He can see your posts too. He's reading them - that would creep me out.

I think you should reconsider. You're going to have common colleagues forever - do you want him popping up like this forever?

Block. Then ignorance is bliss. He won't see your posts and I doubt anyone will even notice common comments.

Remember, this is a much bigger deal to us than to everyone else.

I won't keep badgering you about it as I know you remain unconvinced - just keep it in your mind OK? You'll pull the pin when the time is right.

PhantomLimb posted 5/1/2014 09:05 AM

SBB: you wouldn't want to know things like the girlfriend whose husband keeps in contact with X? She's not on FB and I'm not sure she even knows (she claims that they don't talk to him)...

nowiknow23 posted 5/1/2014 09:15 AM

He knows I'm just coming out of a S/D over infidelity-- is he insane??
He's a predator, and he saw prey. Gives me shivers. ((((PhantomLimb))))

Rainbows posted 5/1/2014 09:34 AM

I had a similar experience with someone at work a few months ago where he invaded my personal space during a work conversation and grabbed my at the waist.

I shoved him away and reminded him that there are sexual harassment laws. I also told him that was a really stupid move on his part.

I haven't been alone with him since then and generally avoid him. I also told my boss right away (who knows how the creep was going to spin it).

My IC said he was testing my boundaries. I wasn't the first or the last, but in his mind the worst thing that would happen is I would say no. He would then move on until someone says yes to him.

Draw clear boundaries with that guy because as long as you don't, he'll still keep looking for opportunities to make a move.

SBB posted 5/1/2014 09:55 AM

SBB: you wouldn't want to know things like the girlfriend whose husband keeps in contact with X? She's not on FB and I'm not sure she even knows (she claims that they don't talk to him)...

I do understand your position PL. A friend of mine has remained friends with the sad clown on FB just to report to me. I haven't allowed her to tell me anything since the first time she tried.

It has been a year. By now you now know who is in contact with him. As to any additions he has from now on? What catastrophic damage could be done?

At this point there is really nothing that I would say to someone that I would be overly concerned about him hearing. I don't want him to hear anything about me but it isn't something I can realistically control forever. TBH I've kind of stopped caring. I blocked him and his whores waaay before I stopped caring (months after Final S). I think I would still be caring if I hadn't blocked him and stopped anyone from telling me anything about him.

I've effectively erased him. He is no longer a factor.

I urge you to follow the thought through - does the benefit outweigh even the risk of him popping up, let alone the result of him popping up? From where I am sitting - no. Not one bit.

You're concerned about others giving him windows into your life but in doing so you are inadvertently giving him a window yourself.

Remember, he can choose to block you too. There's a reason he doesn't. He might do it then unblock to have a snoop. You would be none the wiser.

I know you feel in control and protected somehow but I'm remembering how free I felt when I blocked them both. Free is better than control. I want you to be free too my friend.

Kajem posted 5/1/2014 15:52 PM

I blocked XH and ow/NW we have some mutual friends, and 4 kids as well as his family are still my friends( they don't talk to him). I don't worry about him or his comments. NW is certifiably nuts, and for awhile was bringing a gun to kid pickup just in case I threatened her in person.

I did not want her having a window into my life! That fear overcame my wish to know what they were up to!

To be honest, I haven't missed seeing his posts, comments, pictures, etc. life is less drama filled the blocking way!

NewMom0220 posted 5/2/2014 18:07 PM


Happy Antiversary!!!! (Do we say that around here? It almost feels like a good thing that these NPD emotional vampires have been exposed for what they are). I know it sucks and I prepped myself to be sad too, but maybe I'm suffering from amnesia because I didn't end up remembering it was that date until two or three days later.

In February I went back to my old town with DS so his POS dad could see him (first time since we moved in OCT). I went to my old hairdresser and kind of friend (she's been my hairdresser for years, we were preggos at the same time, and she'd gone out with us for drinks). Now all she did was tell me that she saw STBX out drinking with his GF at a bar the night before. I don't live in that town anymore, so I've been spared any run-ins and I've pretty much been NC with STBX on all fronts. But it still was information I didn't need to know.

But hearing this sent me reeling and I thought I was about to be setup. I thought I'd arrive to our schedule visit (in which STBX was throwing DS a lame first bday party-with only two bags of doritos and a gallon of ice tea) and his GF would be there. I texted my former SIL to say that I would leave it there were any sign of OW. That opened the door for SIL to tell me that it wasn't OW, but a GF that STBX has had from before he filed for D or I left town.

Even thinking of the timeline and the pain I endured during that time...knowing he was starting up yet another relationship while our son was a newborn and I was struggling…it was so hurtful but I was happy it didn't hurt me in the crippling ways I've been hurt before. I just took it all in and decided that I don't ever want to know ANYTHING every again. It does nothing for me. Doesn't change anything that happened. Doesn't make a difference.

Anyway, just wanted you to know you aren't alone and these things slip through the big NC wall we've created. After that I found a new stylist where I'm living now and I told everyone I know in my former town not to tell me anything. Even if they saw him and his head was on fire…I don't want to know.

I'm glad to see you post….I haven't posted in months and it makes such a difference to talk to people who are living it or have lived it.

PhantomLimb posted 5/3/2014 15:04 PM

I just want to say hi NewMom! I'm always so happy to hear from you.

Your story actually really, really helps me. It's a good reminder that these psychos we were M to were slowly bringing us down with their crazy. We've done so well and we just need to keep moving forward!


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