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Newest Member: Saad (61538)

User Topic: When does the denial pass?
♀ 43131
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 weeks out. When does this denial pass? Or for you when did it? I still walk around saying 'I can't believe he did this' or 'I can't believe this is happening'. I KNOW it happened. I've read the texts, I've seen his face crumble as he tells me. Yet my little tiny brain just can not comprehend that HE could do this to ME. Not us. Not this. We've had many problems, but this?!? This was never even in the back of my mind. Not even on my radar. Surely he would NEVER do THAT. And yet here I am.

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 372 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
♂ 43251
Member # 43251
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't really help other than to show solidarity with you, as I'm almost three weeks from D-Day 1 too. It comes in waves for me but when it hits I feel EXACTLY the same as you. Best of luck.

On D-Day 1:-
Me: BS/38
Her: WS/37
Together: 15 years
Married: 6 years 9 months
1 amazing little boy, 5, the love of our lives
D-Day 1: 14/4/2014 (EA/one night PA)
D-Day 2: 30/4/2014 (sexting/PA longer & ongoing)
D-Day 3: 4/5/2014 (earlier PA

Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: UK
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chinadoll, right now you are not in denial, you are in shock. The person you trusted to have your back has stabbed it instead. You are grieving for the loss of the marriage you thought you had. You are grieving for the person you thought your WH was.

It took me months to get over the shock, and then the reality set in, the moment you realize hell this is my life. Then the anger hit.

Have you make an appt. with an IC? It would be a good idea to talk with a GOOD counselor who has experience dealing with infidelity.

Posts: 9790 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
♀ 41222
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it helps to see this as a normal phase, the 5 stages of grief show this. We are grieving the relationship we thought it was.

Denial - how could they do this?
Anger - its not fair
Bargaining - what can I do?
Depression - what's the point?
Acceptance - its going to be ok

These don't necessarily go in that order but eventually they end up at acceptance, you can go back stages as well. No one stage has a set period of time either.

This has helped me know that its a process we go through and we will get to the end.

DD#1 - Oct 13

"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis

Posts: 802 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 40287
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


3 weeks in I was definitely still in denial/shock. It took me about 3-4 months to get out of that stage. The stages of grief are very intense and I found myself going back and forth between anger and depression after.

It is a process....a journey....and a tough one. Take it one day at a time and keep our chin up. Know that you will make it and you will heal. Please do everything in your power to practice NC. I found that to be the hardest part but detrimental to your healing process.

I never thought my XWH would do that to me either. I doted on him and treated him like a king. But you have to understand that they are selfish. What he did has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him!

One day at a time, honey. I promise you will make it through this!!! Keep coming here and posting anytime you just need to let it out. Everyone here has been on this journey and we are all here for you.

Hugs to you as well saveus.

BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
♀ 11176
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 9 years out from Dday and I still shake my head at the depth and length of his cheating.


BS: 58
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 7526 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost 3 years out, trying to R, things are better, but I still cycle thru all of these stages.

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 28 years/Together 29 years/4 kids together
OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2478 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was probably the hardest part for me. Even today, 18+ months later I still have a hard time believing he did this. I really would have never believed him capable of doing this. I did not know my husband at all. And that is the hardest part, figuring who this man I have been with for over 31 years is. Who is this man? Do I want to be with him? Is he a monster or just a flawed human being? I know it happened, but I still cannot believe it. Accepting this is so hard. But, to get anywhere close to knowing if I can even survive this, I need to be able to accept it. And I don't know how to!!! I think you need to get over the shock first. Heck, maybe I'm not even over that yet? Or maybe I am just too stubborn to admit and accept it happened. Everyone does it in their own time. Don't push, it will happen when it happens. You cannot skip any steps here. You need to get through every stage. No matter how painful and, I'm afraid that this is the first in many, many steps for you. (((Hugs)))

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ 43252
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 6 weeks out and I'm still in disbelief that this man did this to me. I keep flashing back to just a year ago right now planning our summer vacations and activities. I'm doing that now alone. When I think about all our plans, how we envisioned our family to be, I just sit here shocked that I'm in this position. So I have no idea when the denial passes. Even as I begin the process of filing D, I still can't believe this is happening. As above people mentioned, there are stages of grief that you will go through, stay stuck in, backtrack to, and that's ok. Eventually we all survive into the acceptance stage! hugs to you!

Dday March 11, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.
Divorced 2/2016

Posts: 2506 | Registered: Apr 2014
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My denial phase lasted a year after I finally had all the details. until I had it all it never went away.

BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2010
♂ 41922
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

15 years out and despite doing all the work on processing ( I spare you all the obvious details),there is still a deep mental level where I can't believe it happened, the brutality of the betrayal.It makes no sense to me. This -and I hope some others have done better- is part of the long term damage the perps can do you; you become at some point bifurcated in your being.Even after forgiveness and a good R. Grim?
That said, it doesn't necessarily damage your capacity to trust, love and be happy. And be a good citizen. You could lose a leg from some moron on the highway, but if you can, you will carry on. I don't say it ruins one,it changes one..vastly. Best.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ 43031
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my denial didn't start right away. For me the denial wasn't until the depression started...

BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took a while for me to really accept what he had done. Months, probably. My head knew, but my heart fought it.

Time will let you process what happened and fully absorb it. don;t blame yourself for not being there right now. This is a a trauma, and you're working through it piece by piece, the only way anyone can.

Hang in there. It gets better.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About 3 months...Just over 4 now and still get momements of disbelief. As my unconiditional trust bled out of me reality hit.

Because u r not broken like u WS u likely may never fully understand. I find acceptance of the unknown more probable. And being okay u will not understand part of healing.

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 14

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