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When does the denial pass?

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Chinadoll30 posted 5/1/2014 06:30 AM

3 weeks out. When does this denial pass? Or for you when did it? I still walk around saying 'I can't believe he did this' or 'I can't believe this is happening'. I KNOW it happened. I've read the texts, I've seen his face crumble as he tells me. Yet my little tiny brain just can not comprehend that HE could do this to ME. Not us. Not this. We've had many problems, but this?!? This was never even in the back of my mind. Not even on my radar. Surely he would NEVER do THAT. And yet here I am.

saveus posted 5/1/2014 06:36 AM

Can't really help other than to show solidarity with you, as I'm almost three weeks from D-Day 1 too. It comes in waves for me but when it hits I feel EXACTLY the same as you. Best of luck.

annb posted 5/1/2014 06:57 AM

Chinadoll, right now you are not in denial, you are in shock. The person you trusted to have your back has stabbed it instead. You are grieving for the loss of the marriage you thought you had. You are grieving for the person you thought your WH was.

It took me months to get over the shock, and then the reality set in, the moment you realize hell this is my life. Then the anger hit.

Have you make an appt. with an IC? It would be a good idea to talk with a GOOD counselor who has experience dealing with infidelity.

KatieG posted 5/1/2014 06:59 AM

I think it helps to see this as a normal phase, the 5 stages of grief show this. We are grieving the relationship we thought it was.

Denial - how could they do this?
Anger - its not fair
Bargaining - what can I do?
Depression - what's the point?
Acceptance - its going to be ok

These don't necessarily go in that order but eventually they end up at acceptance, you can go back stages as well. No one stage has a set period of time either.

This has helped me know that its a process we go through and we will get to the end.

mof2 posted 5/1/2014 07:26 AM


3 weeks in I was definitely still in denial/shock. It took me about 3-4 months to get out of that stage. The stages of grief are very intense and I found myself going back and forth between anger and depression after.

It is a process....a journey....and a tough one. Take it one day at a time and keep our chin up. Know that you will make it and you will heal. Please do everything in your power to practice NC. I found that to be the hardest part but detrimental to your healing process.

I never thought my XWH would do that to me either. I doted on him and treated him like a king. But you have to understand that they are selfish. What he did has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him!

One day at a time, honey. I promise you will make it through this!!! Keep coming here and posting anytime you just need to let it out. Everyone here has been on this journey and we are all here for you.

Hugs to you as well saveus.

k94ever posted 5/1/2014 07:46 AM

I'm 9 years out from Dday and I still shake my head at the depth and length of his cheating.


mchercheur posted 5/1/2014 07:57 AM

Almost 3 years out, trying to R, things are better, but I still cycle thru all of these stages.

devasted30 posted 5/1/2014 07:58 AM

That was probably the hardest part for me. Even today, 18+ months later I still have a hard time believing he did this. I really would have never believed him capable of doing this. I did not know my husband at all. And that is the hardest part, figuring who this man I have been with for over 31 years is. Who is this man? Do I want to be with him? Is he a monster or just a flawed human being? I know it happened, but I still cannot believe it. Accepting this is so hard. But, to get anywhere close to knowing if I can even survive this, I need to be able to accept it. And I don't know how to!!! I think you need to get over the shock first. Heck, maybe I'm not even over that yet? Or maybe I am just too stubborn to admit and accept it happened. Everyone does it in their own time. Don't push, it will happen when it happens. You cannot skip any steps here. You need to get through every stage. No matter how painful and, I'm afraid that this is the first in many, many steps for you. (((Hugs)))

HeBrokeVows posted 5/1/2014 10:53 AM

I'm 6 weeks out and I'm still in disbelief that this man did this to me. I keep flashing back to just a year ago right now planning our summer vacations and activities. I'm doing that now alone. When I think about all our plans, how we envisioned our family to be, I just sit here shocked that I'm in this position. So I have no idea when the denial passes. Even as I begin the process of filing D, I still can't believe this is happening. As above people mentioned, there are stages of grief that you will go through, stay stuck in, backtrack to, and that's ok. Eventually we all survive into the acceptance stage! hugs to you!

lordhasaplan? posted 5/1/2014 12:39 PM

My denial phase lasted a year after I finally had all the details. until I had it all it never went away.

Howie posted 5/1/2014 12:49 PM

15 years out and despite doing all the work on processing ( I spare you all the obvious details),there is still a deep mental level where I can't believe it happened, the brutality of the betrayal.It makes no sense to me. This -and I hope some others have done better- is part of the long term damage the perps can do you; you become at some point bifurcated in your being.Even after forgiveness and a good R. Grim?
That said, it doesn't necessarily damage your capacity to trust, love and be happy. And be a good citizen. You could lose a leg from some moron on the highway, but if you can, you will carry on. I don't say it ruins one,it changes one..vastly. Best.

justasinger posted 5/1/2014 13:30 PM

my denial didn't start right away. For me the denial wasn't until the depression started...

norabird posted 5/1/2014 13:40 PM

It took a while for me to really accept what he had done. Months, probably. My head knew, but my heart fought it.

Time will let you process what happened and fully absorb it. don;t blame yourself for not being there right now. This is a a trauma, and you're working through it piece by piece, the only way anyone can.

Hang in there. It gets better.

justinpaintoday posted 5/1/2014 13:49 PM

About 3 months...Just over 4 now and still get momements of disbelief. As my unconiditional trust bled out of me reality hit.

Because u r not broken like u WS u likely may never fully understand. I find acceptance of the unknown more probable. And being okay u will not understand part of healing.

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