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contacted lawyer finally

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Lackingcourage posted 5/1/2014 09:50 AM

So, I finally contacted my lawyer to let her know I'm ready to start the proceedings and now I can't stop crying. I know it's the right thing to do after all that WS has done, but it is still so hard. I am also even more anxious because apparently it is not a conflict of interest for WS to use the law partner of his AP's lawyer who is handling her divorce, according to my lawyer. It makes me extremely uncomfortable because AP's divorce isn't final yet, and I have concerns she may somehow try to influence WS in our proceedings although he says they are no longer together. But he has always said they are no longer together and that's never been true. WS's chosen lawyer was also just named one of the top divorce lawyers in our area, and since it's woman she is potentially going to be swayed by WS's many charms. He says he'll give me whatever I want and is going to be more than fair to me and make it all about me, but I'm having a hard time trusting that. I think I am just beginning to realize how hard the next few months are going to be. I hope I can make it through without a mental breakdown.

norabird posted 5/1/2014 10:31 AM


Of course you're crying! But through the tears I know you know that this is the only way. The proceedings will be stressful but they are going to take you, eventually, out of this mess and let you start over. That thought hurts as much as it comforts--the fact of things ending and being left behind--but you will go through the pain and come out on the other side.

devistatedmom posted 5/1/2014 17:57 PM

Chin up Lackingcourage. No matter how much of a shark is lawyer is, there are certain things that your state mandates you get. Listen to your lawyer. Do what they say. They will help you. Your WS may be charming, but he will show his true colours at some point.

Yep, the next few months won't be easy. In the end though, you will have your D. Believe it.

deena posted 5/1/2014 18:05 PM

I feel for you. Today I too just made the appt for Monday to start the proceeding.

I know it is for the best, but I also know getting over this hump seems scary.

It is a draining process mentally.


We will make it thru ok.

justinpaintoday posted 5/1/2014 18:07 PM

Lacking: Sorry for the fear. D is a tense time. Listen, everything your WH tells you, you need to assume is a lie until its in a legal document. Saying all the nice thingsin the world is easy until someone tells him half of this is gone and he has to pay you that. He suddenly will be less charming.

If his lawyer is that good then she will see through him. In a D there are few options even sneaky L can employ. For the most part they try to paint a negative picture of the other person. If you have no dirt then it will be difficult to paint you as dirty.

Make sure you chose a good L.

DepressedDaddy posted 5/1/2014 18:14 PM

So sorry to hear your struggle. It baffles those of us that are BS. How can our spouses/partners be so cold and detached.

I want to give a little advice that my L gave me when I first started my process. If he has said anything in particular through text, email, facebook, letter, etc., go ahead and save those transactions. When talking about the equitable division of marital assets, ask him what he is willing to give you through a method that you can save. My L said that any proof I have that my STBXWW was willing to give me something, I could use that during my D.

WS have a tendency to change their mind on the flip of a dime. Paper trails are valuable.

Lackingcourage posted 5/1/2014 22:20 PM

Thanks everyone. We are going to try to do this D collaboratively, so I don't think his L is a shark. I also hope mine is good; it's so hard to know really. I did express my concerns to my L again about WS choice of L, giving her a little more context about AP and WS and she wants to talk to me about it tomorrow via phone. I'm curious to hear what she has to say. He has for the most part not acted cool and detached, he insists he's concerned and caring and still maintains he loves me and this will be a BW-centered divorce, but this is the man who went to MC with me, then would go meet AP afterwards to "process" the session with her, and felt there was nothing wrong with that. He does live in his own little world of non-reality.

Lackingcourage posted 5/3/2014 00:06 AM

I spoke with my L today and when I explained the complete lack of boundaries WS has with AP, including meeting with her to process our MC appointments immediately afterwards, she agreed with me that it is probably best that he not use the law partner of AP's divorce lawyer, which gives me tremendous relief. I am allowed to tell him it is a conflict of interest and he has to find another lawyer. Of course, who knows how long that will take. It took him 6 months to find this one. Still, I am glad my L supported me on this one.

DepressedDaddy posted 5/3/2014 10:02 AM

That's good to hear!

My STBXWW and I are also doing things amicably. She has told me that she wants it to go smoothly and she has no intentions to burn me. However, I am still keeping all communications I have with her, just in case. I always trusted her and felt like I could read her very well, but after the A, I just keep a safety blanket handy. I feel pretty confident that I will never have to use any of it, but having it just in case doesn't hurt one bit!

My WW is actually not even hiring her own L for negotiations. I am having my L draft the settlement (based on what my WW and I have agreed to on our own time). Once the settlement is complete, she is going to consult with a L to make sure it is kosher. Once that is done, we will present it to the judge and it should be final (unless the judge has something to say). I really want to go down the uncontested route. Her or I don't want this thing to grow into something huge. We are trying to keep our DD as the primary focus. We don't want her to grow up and remember her mommy and daddy ripping each other apart. I can place my frustration and hurt aside for my DD. She deserves that. I can handle my pain on my own away from her. But to be completely honest, my DD takes a ton of my pain away!

I'm glad that you have a L that you feel good with. Keep us posted on what happens.

Lackingcourage posted 5/4/2014 12:50 PM

Thanks, DepressedDaddy. I wish you well with just one lawyer. I have some friends who have done that, and I really wish I could, but I have too many trust issues with WH. Multiple affairs, blatent lies, doesn't remember when he's said things or what he's said. I really need someone to help me cut through his gaslighting, and frankly, someone that is going to hold him accountable for his words and also stop him from doing things he might regret. I don't think it really makes sense for him to give me "everything" and down the road, especially if he is with AP, he would regret it and might take me back to court. So, I'll bite the bullet, pay the big bucks, be in debt for a few years, then hopefully live happily ever after, or close to it.

DepressedDaddy posted 5/4/2014 18:43 PM

LC - I really hope that you can work through it all and it goes as smoothly as it can. That's what I am hoping for with my WW and I, but you and I both know that anything can change in an instant!

nowiknow23 posted 5/4/2014 18:51 PM


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