Welcome back FUBAR, it's good to see you again. I'm so sorry you had to find SI, and that your WW dealt you such a devastating blow. That was so unfair to you, and you didn't deserve that. Then being put through false R...?! Ouch. We've seen your WW change and grow, and I applaud her, but this...
I have a lot of anger, disbelief, frustration, resentment, and so on about what she did to me and our DD.
...is completely justified and understandable!
You learned to bottle everything up and discard it, almost become desensitized to regular emotions.
Professions like yours are an example of where compartmentalizing is a mandatory coping mechanism. We talk about compartmentalizing a lot on SI, in terms of "How could I have done that?!" In that context it's a maladaptive coping mechanism, really more like escapism. But obviously professionals such as EMTs or therapists need to develop the skill of compartmentalizing, or they'd be an emotional wreck.
Your C was beyond terrible, and you lied about IC, so evidently you're resistant to seeing a therapist? Boy howdy, can I relate to that! I never, ever thought I would darken the doorstep of a shrink's office! But it's been a Godsend. A lifesaver. She helped me understand that this...
I have never been good about expressing my feelings
...is curable. In my case I wasn't *actually feeling* the feelings, or perhaps deep down I was, but I wasn't connecting with and identifying them. Surely there is a way to compartmentalize professionally, but connect with and express your emotions personally? A good IC could help with that.
So, FUBAR, have you expressed your anger, disbelief, frustration and resentment to WW lately? Because you need to. Bottling it up ain't gonna work, because it'll leak out. Or, one day, explode. Obviously I'm not encouraging you to scream obscenities in her face or throw stuff at the wall, but those aren't uncommon reactions! My BH did both, and I didn't like it, but his anger was righteous and completely understandable. We're one year out, and I wouldn't be surprised if one day another wave of anger hits him. If it does, I'll do my best to give him a safe space to vent his anger and frustration at me. After what I did? Seems like the least I can do.
It's great that you're seeing, now, how wrong it was to converse with your female coworker in that way.
I know I need help on so many different levels.
You know what that makes you? Human.